Losing my mind. Basically, not being able to control my thoughts to stay "good" thoughts has also terrified me. I just started the program and am on day 4. I am a Christian so I believe I can conquer this. I know I am responsible for my own thinking. I have always been a worrier, from childhood. I normally pray about what bothers me and know it will be ok. only the best will happen so I can relax and my life has mostly been "normal". I have had 3 breakdowns from this fear (yes I have ocd, I am on medication right now)one at 23, I got over and got back into the moment within about 4-5 months. The next time I was 28 and was in a very stressful job, I was on vacation and still lived at home and moved my room around and my bed back to the place it had been in when I was 23. Slowly the bad thoughts were triggered by that but much more severe this time. I thought there has got to be something wrong w/ me. I started medications for panic attacks (I had my dad take me to the hospital, told him I had drove myself crazy, they didn't admit me, sent me home w/ xanax, which did help some but I was very obsessed and terrified still), started drinking alot so I could sleep, missing work, trying to "think" it out. Tried antidepressent medications, finally after about 9 months I slowly was able to bring myself into the moment at hand and the "bad thoughts" went away. I think it was a miracle. I just started acting how I wanted to feel and it worked. Things were great, I was so happy to have peace of mind again, and never dreamed it would happen again since I was so in control. This wonderful time lasted 12 years. This fall I finished my AA degree in hopes of getting a different job. I felt a little nervous about leaving my "safe place" but wasn't wanting to keep doing that type of work. I was in furniture sales for 9 1/2 years and I wanted a more set rutine. I am usually very rutine oriented, it comforts me and makes me feel "safe" and normally kept my thoughts all good and happy. I had left a job I liked for a better job that I had my 2nd breakdown at. So I was a little concerned about where I wanted to work. Should I do this? Then, for some reason (there has been alot of stress in my life over the last 3-4 years but I always felt at peace w/ myself) I think I tired my brain out in the fall, I had to have A's on everything and then I would go from school and work 10 hours. I wasn't getting my normal "rest" day I always had had in the past 12 years every week. I was so shocked when the fear came back again. It floored me. I had been so in control for 12 yrs. Sometimes I would get a weird thought, but would pray about it and kept in my normal routines and still felt at peace. I guess it was a build up of stress, started w/ not sleeping well which of course distorts your thinking and made me feel less confident in myself (I normally sleep very well). That scared me, because I know if you don't get enough sleep some people "freak out". It happened so fast this time, I went from Wed. to that Sun. night where I started smoking heavily (I had been down to 2 cig a day for the last 3 yrs. and was very proud of my control) and I was drinking whiskey (so I could sleep) and I was worrying and I felt I "crossed" the line from sanity to insanity. I shook all over, my thoughts were spinning, I was terrified. I thought oh no, I really did it this time. But, that was March and it is now Sept. I have not been committed (although like the first time, I begged my husband to take me to the hospital). Part of be believes I am going to be fine, I can do all things through Christ which strenthens me, I can control my thinking for good. The other part still remembers the utter fear and terror of that night when I thought I had "lost" it. I am hoping someone else has been in the same place I am. I bought the program because I don't want to ever go through this again. I believe I will be ok. I think. I get confused alot, that utter fear and terror is hard to forget. I don't drink anymore, I told myself that didn't help the last time. Both last time and this time I had contemplated suicide (being a Christian I know I cannot do that) I cam closer this time and that scared be more. I am trying to keep good thoughts in my mind but the doubt of knowing I felt that week and terrified is holding me back from letting it go. How do I know this wont happen again. I am constantly thinking about my sanity and I don't want to think bad thoughts. I "normally" am a possitive thinker, very motivated, and totally calm and relaxed, using my ocd to keep me organized and it kept my smoking down to 2 cig a day. Am I crazy? One therapist told me I was just unhappy, not crazy, there are some marital issues, my father has terminal cancer, there is alot of stress. Usually I kept a good attitude. What happened to me. Will this program help me fully believe in myself again and comfort me so that I won't be "on guard" to prevent this from happening again. It is hard for me to focus on other things, though I make myself. At first I staying in bed most of the day, basically in shock. I would have bet a million dollars I would never be back here again. Struggling to get out of my worry trap. It like there are 2 of me in my head, the one is my "normal" self, the other is the "out of control, scared" self. I hope one of the "veterans" of this program can help me. I have been following all the instructions, I guess I feel a little better, but still scared. I don't want to "go crazy". If I have, I want to come back. I am very confused. I lost my job in June which didn't help also. I may have a new one next week, that will help. I feel "stuck" and know there is a way out, that fear I felt that night is holding me back. I asked God to forgive me, but I guess I havn't forgiven myself for my weakness. I hate feeling weak and out of control. Most people probably have no idea how I feel, I am a pretty good actress. This feels so much worse this time, because things were so perfect. I hope this program will cure me for good. Being a Christian and an over achiever, I can't give up. I just have to get in the right way of thinking again and get it to "stick". I go from feeling yes, I will be fine but it doesn't "stick" and that scares me, did I "cross that line"?, to how can I know that since I know I can be so "unfine" and out of control. I have confused myself. Please give me some advice. I am not suicidal. I just want me back. I am not a quitter. I don't like feeling unsure of myself. I am able to function and "act" normally but I am definately distracted, forgetful at times and not as motivated as usual, I'm going through the motions. Please help me!!!

There is hope in this program! You WILL gain the skills to handle the anxieties. They won't go away forever, but you will have the skills from here after to manage it better so you won't be in this place again. That's tremendous hope, to me!

Please do your best to work the program, listen to the relaxation audio at least once a day!

Blessings!

Hey there,
I wanted to let you know that I also posted a topic earlier today, looking for veterans of the program, and hopefully someone from the MWC will respond. I think the the participants on this forum could benefit tremendously from veteran experience and advice.
I hope that more veterans or staff of the MWC will begin to be more present for us.

Hoping you have a great day

Sunbound,Thank you. I am not a quitter, just don't like these feelings of doubt I have let myself feel. I will go through the whole program, right now I would pay any amount of money to feel totally calm and at peace with myself. This has to work. It definately can't hurt anything! Thank you for your confidence!! How long have you been in the program?

ok...first....slow down....take a breath. nice and slow in and out. Its very important to become comfortable in the stillness of ourselves. Dont let it become a time you sit and think out of control and panic and scare yourself. Let quiet time with you become still and peacefull. This is going to take time. God does love you and he does not judge and he does not punish us...we do that to ourselves.

This program is full of skills that you must learn to implement in your life everyday. From eating right to think positive and excersise to name a few....you must commit to applying these to your daily routine. Your panic and depression has become a bad habit for you nothing more. You have the power to make things better.

Stress in the world around is a huge factor in how we live our lives. Having terminally ill parents/siblings is very hard. Losing a job is a big stress, marriage in itself is a stress. Life is always going to have things in it that cause us to have high stress....what we have to learn is to handle these things in a better way.

Positive attitude doesnt mean that you are walking around in a phoney state of mind saying everything is wonderfull when its clearly not. Its seeing the hope, the bright side to the situation. For example. Your father is ill with cancer. You still have precious time with him. Time to love to connect to touch to be touched dont waste it in sadness.

You lost a job.....ok thats a tough blow especially in todays economy but you got yourself a new one and who knows maybe that old job had to go in order for this better one to become available.

You say you were drinking to numb your sadness. Thank goodness you see clearly enough to know that wasnt the answer. Do you see what Im doing here? Instead of focusing on your weakness your sadness your anxiety.....focus on what good can come of it.

YOur not crazy. Your not going to kill yourself. Your fear of these things is a clear sign that you are sane. Insane people dont think they just do. You are constantly thinking of these things to the point that they scare you so. You are ok. You are overwhelmed in lifes issues and all you need to do is recenter yourself. You can do it and you will do it.

Believe in yourself as much as you believe in God. Thats what he wants from you. To be the best you you can be. Learn from your mistakes and make changes. Keep up with your therapies. Get yourself into an excersise routine, even if only to walk the block once a night. A stroll with hubby is good for you and for you as a couple. Believe me when you begin to heal yourself the rest will fall into line.

YOU WILL BE OK.
You keep coming to chat and forum and work your program and keep that hope in your heart. You will be a veteran yourself before you know it.
I know you can do it.
Dodger

Dodger, Thank you so much for the good advice. I tend to over dramatize sometimes. I have been exercising regularly for the last 15 yrs. At first it slowed down, but I have been making myself stick to my normal routine, and that does help. I am thankful for the time I still have with my father. I have spent 2 nights with him at the hospital this week. Thank you for believing that I am not crazy. If I would have had this program 12 years ago I doubt I would be here again right now, mentally. I think all things happen for a reason and I will be happy when I feel like me again. I loved how I felt for the last 12 yrs. and most of my life. It is a shock and I'm trying not to feel sorry for myself and I am thankful for all the blessings God has given me. I read my Bible and attend church regurlarly and I always feel uplifted after that. My husband suggested that I stay at church for awhile if I feel better there. Ha ha! I know it lies within me, I did it before and I can do it again. I never thought I would have to. It just came on so quick. Shocked, but breaking out of it slowly. I am a baby stepper. I know God will help me get through this sanely and mabey I can help others. I am always concerned for others in crisis or illness and I have been sending people cards of encouragement, and that helps also. Thank you again, I feel more confident that you don't think I am crazy.

Hello hopefulinWV
I am sorry to hear that things have been difficult for you lately. You have definietly come to the right place. This program will help you learn the life management skills to cope with stress and building anxiety.

You also need to accept yourself where you are right now. Things will get better. I will say a prayer for you. Take care and God Bless.

Hi hopeful. I too am a Christian who has suffered with anxiety. When I was younger I did not have anxiety as I know it now. It has surfaced during gimes of extreme stress. I felt I got better for a while there and then it popped up again during another time of pressure and stress. I guess we just have to become more aware and be on the lookout during these times and start taking better care of ourselves.
The longer I do the program and read other materials on this problem, I am begining to understand how much supressed feelings and emotions can come out at a later time. I was never one to deal with things properly, but stuffed my emotions. Ive done this all my life, starting as a small child. We were not allowed to express ourself, to be angry or hurt or sad. So I learned to deny that I was even hurt. The problem is that buried feelings will resurface and can wreak havoc with our mental or physical well being. Now at 45 years old, I am trying to deal with all the stuff that I have stuffed and is causing me fear, anxiety and depression. Working the program does work. The more you work it, the better it works. Don't give up. I am feeling so much better now that I am digging deep and doing what is recommended. We can do all things through Christ who strengthens us!

Elizabeth J thank you for your post I can so relate to not being able to express my true feelings. In our house anger and guilt were the only feelings that seemed acceptable. I spent so much time stuffing down my feelings I never even knew I had them. I could be churning on the inside but no one would ever see it on the outside. Its scary for me to realize that I have had anxiety and fear most of my life and I never really knew it. I just knew I never seemed to be like everyone else. I had no self esteem even though people that knew me would think I did. I was so good at fooling others, the problem is I was also fooling myself.
Im 42 and now trying to deal with a lifetime of pain and fear that has been trying to get out for years. It scares me silly. Thank you saying the program works. I am only on my 3rd day of the 1st session and have been struggling with the "What If'' thinking. What if this doesnt work, Omg what will I do then? Thank you for giving me hope at a time when Ive been feeling pretty hopeless. Thank you all for you wonderful posts and your openness. It is good to not feel so alone.

hi,
i read all of your posts and i can relate to what you have been through.it would take me took long to tell you all the things i used to have and how God delivered me.i had panic and anxiety ,depression,IBS,DEREALIZATION AND ALOT MORE.as you go through the program it will give you the skills and tools that you need to get throught this and go on your journey.it does not happen over night.but you can over come this.please read my profile and let me know what you think.know that you are in our thoughts and prayers and God Bless
don
I can't do it but HE CAN