My mother is terrible with her guilt trips I’ve tried telling her that she says I’m imagining things also lately distance myself from her. Since she has so little $$ and me and my husband are going well. She ALWAYS makes me feel bad in a subconscious way. But the thing is she is where she is at now with her decisions. She will tell me oh I can't go do groceries this week I don't have enough money, then I loan her money and she goes to buy clothes. I am so sick of this she has a big black void she fills with clothes since she’s not happy with herself but it’s not the answer. I am trying a better way to get out of it with this site, my anxiety that is, which I think is mostly for caring too much.

She’s been to therapy she has antidepressants but I can’t put her weight on my shoulder anymore. Last Christmas she did the same thing I didn’t even have the courage to decorate my tree she made me feel so bad. I’ve been with these situations for years and years. I just lately started to not care and she can do what she wants I’m doing what I want and not justifying anything. I need to live free, but this is so hard to do because mothers are sacred but now I let myself into this so much I am at home on sick leave for a month.. Look who’s suffering with all that worrying…

Dear Jess:

Do you have the program? I think there are several lessons in it that would definitely help you help yourself to resolve this situation.

Your heart & intentions are in the right place. However, when it begins to effect you(mentally, emotionally, spiritually, & physically)- that is when you need to take a long hard look at this situation, you, & your mother. I think you need to set HEALTHY BOUNDARIES w/ her - & be assertive w/ those boundaries. Of course you love your mom & your heart may even go out to her for her circumstance, depress, etc. However, her problems are not yours to carry - they are her responsibility. You can still HONOUR YOUR MOM & set boundaries too.

Often, those of us prone to anxiety disorder are very SENSATIVE & GIVING - we do for EVERYBODY - esp IMMEDIATE FAMILY MEMBERS. Often at times, forsaking ourselves & our own needs. This is not healthy & can not be maintained, w/o it effecting us. Unfortunately, there are folks (yes, including FAMILY MEMBERS) who will MANIPULATE this sensative side of us - to get what they want. However, remember "PEOPLE WILL ONLY DO WHAT WE ALLOW THEM TO GET AWAY W/!" Yes, we train people how to treat us.

I know this is a tough situation, cause its your Mom & those conflicting feelings are normal. I think, there can be a healthy way for you to set boundaries, so that you are not left feeling overwhelmed.

Best of luck.

LENORE

My mom has a PhD in guilt. I'm sure she has a book written on the subject. Best advice...ignore her. This will take time and practice.

Lenore,

Yes I signed myself up on the online program last week. I am now on session 1 step 2. You hit just what I need to do on the spot. This really makes sense and I think the first time somebody really knows what I am talking about. I talked about this with my husband but his mom is no way like mine and I am jealous of that from him sometimes and confused since he doesnt understand my situation well he does to some extent.

"However, remember "PEOPLE WILL ONLY DO WHAT WE ALLOW THEM TO GET AWAY W/!" Yes, we train people how to treat us."

That is exactly true I need to set boundaries with her and I can't carry her burdens anymore she needs to carry herself, it just that feeling that if I am down like her someday that she will say I didn't take care of her so she will not take care of me.. .kinda silly in a way because know I need to be strong and taken care of and she is no way contributing to that!

"I am myself doing all the work and darn proud of myself". Thanks for the understanding


Jess

Jess, most of us that have anxiety have had to deal with similar situations as yours. This sounds like a co-dependency type of issue. Co-dependant more or less means "once you are ok, then I am ok" type of thinking which is completely out of line. Sounds like your mother is a miserable person, letting life chip away at her without her taking on her responsibilities like she should and in that misguided thinking they make people around them miserable. My wife's daughter is like that and I tell my wife to set borders! This is a MUST! The daughter will pull my wife down really fast if my wife ALLOWS IT. If someone makes us feel bad or guilty, that means we have GIVEN them permission to do that (we have given permission to that negative thought to upset us)
In realistic terms, your mother is the only one responsible for her and likewise, YOU are only responsible for YOU. If we take on the roll of making everything “all ok” for everyone else, we will drive ourselves mad. You cannot live your mothers life for her, she MUST come to terms with herself and if it is somewhat painful, that small amount of pain is actually what makes us learn and benefit from learning a new way.
Here is a book that I greatly benefited from and I tell everyone about it, the title is “Your Best Life Now” by Joel Osteen. I got it on CD so I can listen to it wherever I am, at home or in the car. Go through it a few times and you might decide to get a copy for your mother eventually.