Why do pilgrims' pants always fall down?

A: Because they wear their belts around their hat.

What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
Hot, cross bunnies

What do you call an Amish man with his arm up a horses behind?

A. A mechanic

How did the hamburger propose?

With an ONION RING...........

What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine? A slow poke

Subject: A Scot at Baseball



A Scotsman moves to America and attends his first baseball game.
The first batter approaches the batters' box, takes a few swings and then
hits a double.
Everyone is on their feet screaming "Run!!!"
The next batter hits a single. The Scotsman listens as the crowd again
cheers "RUN!! RUN!!"
The Scotsman is enjoying the game and begins screaming with the fans.
The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by.
The Umpire calls: "Walk. " The batter starts his slow trot to first base.
The Scot stands up and screams, "Run ye lazy bastard run!"
The people around him begin laughing.
Embarrassed, the Scot sits back down.
A friendly fan notes the man's embarrassment, leans over and explains,
He can't run -- he has four balls."
The Scot stands up and screams: "Walk with pride, Laddie!"

Jokes or lines that have made me laugh lately:

I tried to walk into Target, but I missed.
(Mitch Hedberg)

What I need is to find a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.
(Mike Birbiglia)

When I was a little kid, we had a quicksand box. I was an only child . . . eventually.
(Steven Wright)

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
(Brian Kiley)

So they're showing me, on television, the detergents getting out bloodstains. I mean, come on, you got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it. Maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem right now.
(Jerry Seinfeld)

At what age do you tell a highway it's adopted? I think around seven because that's when they start wondering, Hey, I don't look like the Kiwanis Club.
(Zach Galifianakis)

I had my identity stolen a few months ago, and my credit actually improved. I'm dating now; have a new car. Life is good.
(Steve Moris)

A new computer virus is going around. Office workers everywhere will now be forced to play solitaire with real cards.
(Craig Kilborn)

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.
DON'T TAKE ME IF I DON'T WANT TO GO...........

After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband
accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.
Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring
and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to
browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local
Wal-Mart.


Dear Mrs. Fenton,



Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be
forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr.
Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance
cameras.


1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
carts when they weren't looking.


2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.


3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'


5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's
on layaway.


6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted
area.


7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other
shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets
from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.


10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look'
by using different sizes of funnels.


13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. December 21: When an announcement came o ver the loud speaker, he
assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'


And last, but not least ...
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'


Regards,

Walmart

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the light bulb is BURNED OUT. THey would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the last SEVENTEEN YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULB CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS STUPID HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS.....I'm sorry....what did you ask me?

KIDS IN CHURCH

3-year-old Reese:
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
Amen."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little boy was overheard praying:

"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.

I'm having a real good time like I am."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.

His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, the boy replied,

"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One particular four-year-old prayed,

"And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
"Ryan, you be Jesus!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A father was at the beach with his children
when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.

"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said,
"Did God throw him back down?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A wife invited some people to dinner.

At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

Oh Ha Ha Ha! HEE HEE HEE, Unicorn (chuckle) 1524 (snicker) have you considered stand--- Ha Ha Ha!!!! Ha!!!! ROTFl Oh!!! Some of those jokes were so funny!!! HEE!! HEE!! Ha!!!

(talking to self)
Okay, calm down... breath in through the nose( one thousand 1, one thousand 2) exhale through the mouth (one thousand 1, one thousand 2, (HAA!!, oops) one thousand 3, one thousand Ha!! Ha!! haaaaa!!! I CAN"T BREATH!!! (LAUGHING SILENTLY)

No, but seriously, those jokes were pretty funny.