I am reaching out to all of you for guidance and support. I have been through the series before I actually went throught the series with a coach which helped very much. I was getting better even backing off my xanax. But as of May 1st, 2009 I got the most horrifying news that my father committed suicide that he shot himself in the head. I felt instantly like I was going to go insane. All my hard work to be where I was and boom shattered by my families great loss. It has been very difficult to try not to blame myself. I actually for months slipped into a deep deppression and guilt ridden thoughts of loss. Knowing my father will never be here. I also lost my childhood home and grandparents. I as of last September been having extreme panic attacks. These are horrible and I feel myself slipping. I want to go back through the tapes and I plan to, but i feel I need to learn to deal with this extreme grief and guilt first. I need someone to tell me I am not going crazy and that I will get through this. I am having a hard time telling myself even believing what I say. Please anyone I need guidance.

runnerjb,

I am so sorry about your father and everything else. I know that has to be hard to deal with. Have you considered joining a grief support group? I would check the internet to see what kind of couseling services are available in your area. Or call the counseling centers in your area, they should have something like that. Some churches have them too, I remember a church I went to before had a grief support group that met once a week.
You are not crazy. You just need time, you're going through the grieving process. I believe a support group where there's people who are going through the same thing will help you a lot.
I hope this helps. Keep us posted, I'll be praying for you.

In the Precious Name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth you will get through this difficult period in your life and you are NOT GOING CRAZY!!!

I am sooooo sorry that you have gone through sooooo much, and you are sooooooo much stronger than you give yourself credit for!!!

You need to grieve, since, it is part of the healing process!!! You must grieve, or you will just hold all of this in and that will only serve to make matters worse!!!

I also highly suggest that you find a grief counselor to talk to!!! You are a very strong person and don't you ever doubt that one!!!

I also suggest that you type in google.com and try and find a site for people who are suffering in this same manner!!!

You are going to be just fine!!! It is very natural to grieve when we lose someone, and I do not believe for a second that you did anything wrong, so, please try your best to let go of the guilt...

Remember...Guilt trip, I won't buy the ticket!!!

I will be praying for you!!! God Bless You Tonight and Always and May He Hold You in HIS arms and comfort you...

Here is a little song which may help you some... God Will Make A Way!!!

Runner - Grief is a horrible thing!!!!! It ravages your mind and body for a while - sometimes for a long while. I lost my only son three years ago to suicide. I had to hole myself together for the sake of my wife and three daughters. During that time I tried many different medicines and therapy. I also thought i was losing my mind. My memory was irradic and i was very frustrated bc i couldn't do my job very well. On top of everything else was the guilt and the constant belief that i either screwed up or that i should hve been able to help him. Not to forger the overwhelming sadness. I will never have a daughter-in-law, i am the last who will bear my last name, i will never be able to hug my son again. some of these may seem trivial but they are just a few of the things that i grieve over. i've watched my family being destroyed by this and i have seen the look of disappointment in my daughters eyes. They expect more of their Dad.
That is why i ordered this program - I am tired of not being WHOLE!!!!! already in two weeks i see progress - I haven't felt the overwhelming hopelessness i used to experience whenever i was alone. i still feel it trying to creep in but something in my attitude is allowing me to calmly push it away. Please try this program and really give it a chance. I truly hope that this works for you and if it doesn't completely heal you then I hope that God leads you to somewhere that will complete your transformation. BTW i found a group that helped called "Compasionate Friends" they have chapters in a lot of cities

Mike....I am sooooo sorry that you lost your son to suicide!!! These are the saddest true stories that I have ever heard in my entire lifetime!!! And you reaching out to someone else in their grief is "outta of this world" Awesome!!!

I highly respect what you are doing here!!! I can not even begin to imagine how difficult that must have been and still is!!!

The two of you are sooooooo strong!!! God knows that I don't know if I could handle losing loved ones to suicide, nearly as well as either one of you have!!!

I sooooooo admire your courage!!!! I will be praying for the two of you!!!

God Bless You Tonight and Always is my Prayer for the two of you!!!

runner, I can only begin to try to understand what you all went thru with the loss of your dad. It's been just a year now that we went to a home place of my husband's family's neighbor where the kids scattered their dad's ashes. He committed suicide exactly as your dad. We were trying to get hold of him by phone for my husband's mom's funeral then later we found out why we couldn't reach him . My heart goes out to you as it does Mike. I hope you can talk more to Mike for support and I hope runner you'll do the program as many of us have. Prayers to both of you. God is right there beside you both.

Barb

Ms T Bones and barbgavon -- Thank you very much for your words of encouragement and love. I hope that runner and i both make it thru the program and start life anew - I'm ready forit !!!!

Mike, I am sure the two of you will make it through the program and be much happier for doing so!!! I have been praying for the two of you!!! God Bless You Both Today and Always is my Prayer!!!

Thank you for all of your comforting words and prayers. I greatly appreciate the advice all of you give. Mike I am so sorry for your loss, it really just sucks and hurts so much that it consumes your heart and mind. I have problems not thinking about the loss. Not seeing my father asleep in his recliner with the TV on. Also he loved going to the movies. We went quite often. It has been tough. I do need a couselor. I have been through so much in thpast 4 years too much change and loss. My parents divorced 4 years ago and this was very tough for my father. I miss him so much. The panic still has been daily, but it has been easing a bit. I have been through the panic before where I got through the tapes and they went away. Now I feel to week to go through this again. I will keep going I love my family too much. God be with you Mike I would appreciate any advice.

runner - i will try to keep in touch - i've never been very good at chat - but that was then , this is now!! (just trying to stay positive as much as possible) I had become so negative that i couldn't enjopy ANYTHING and my anger was growing. I find that i have to quit trying to figure things out and just try and relax and let go. I really feel in my heart that tthe people of MWC are different. Not just about money. If you come across something that you could use help on write me and maybe together we can figure it out. Peace PS - did your Dad like John Wayne movies ?? My father would fall asleep ten minutes into the movie and boy it was your rearend if he woke up and the Duke wasn't on !!! remember the good try to forget the bad

runner and mike, my prayers are for the both of you. Since you asked runner if a person gets over it,,the answer is yes. My son was murdered 3 years ago. I came to this site and program shortly after it happened and got on with the program. By helping myself in a positive way and keeping busy at it the grieving became less and less horrible. I now can talk openly about my son without losing it and many other poitive things. You will also. The church grief class once a week was also a huge lift for me. Good luck and GOD bless, Bruce

staggerlee - I am very sorry to hear about your son! How old was he, my son was 26 and he died in June 06. the therapist gave me a list of about 50 possible symptoms of grief aand i think i had about 45 so far. I know you know how hard it is - losing a child to violence is the pits. pls stay in touch , i would love to hear about your progress. i am starting to do better already. Did you suffer more from anxiety or depression - with me it is almost all depression !!

mike and staggerlee,
you both are incredible people.to be able to open your personal box of pain to help someone else takes an enormous amount of strength and compassion.I respect and admire you both for the efforts you expend in the hopes we all will be helped.char-lee

Isn't it interesting the people God puts together. He is so awesome. In the midst of our pain He gives us someone who's been there and can help pull you thru because they've been thru it. Rom.8:28 is really true. "And He works ALL things for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose.

A short time ago I wrote a post "I Screamed at God". I really did!!! I'd never done anything like that before as I pounded on the bed over and over with a tote cover. I'm glad for the people who had compassion on me. It was over a relationship with my mother which has been poor all my life. Today she called and thanked me so much for the Wisconsin cheese basket we sent for their 25th anniversary. There are good points for mom. What would it take, something like what happened to your Dad. God forgive both my mom and I for at times hating each other. God gave me this mother. It's no surprise to Him and it's no surprise to him the pain you all would have to endure. Praise Him He's always there, works ALL things for good, and gives us people who stand along side us.
Prayers for all of you. Keep the faith.

Barb