Ive been a Christian for as long as I can remember. I was raised catholic, left at 15 and went to all the other churches. I got very deep in the pentecostal side of things. Well, about 9 yrs. ago I had depression and anxiety. Went to therapy, meds, etc. I went to a christian therapist, who diagnosed me as a religion addict. A religion addict is someone who uses religion as a way to escape pain, much like an alcoholic. He gave me a book called "toxic faith", by steve arteburn. The book described me to a tee.
Anyway, moving back to the present, I started having anxiety again earlier this year, and ordered the program in March. This is like my third major bout with anxiety in my lifetime, (im 43), and my anxiety always involves fear of God, thinking im not good enough just as I am. Anyway, about two weeks ago I went to a bible study, and from that point on, I never got anxious again. I thought I had found my cure for anxiety: In my mind I was thinking that now that I've repented, and turned my life back to God, (since He's never satisfied), that He has healed my anxiety and depression. THAT LASTED ABOUT A WEEK. Now im back to square one, feeling nervous. Finally today, on the way home from work, I got angry and started cursing. I smashed an apple i was eating into my steering wheel....lol. You see, for me, the question thats always in my mind is: As a christian, should I BE MYSELF, or should I be SPIRITUAL? I always see these two as being opposed to one another. Im thinking now that I need to leave the spiritual stuff alone and just deal with the other stuff. The problem is that I go one way for awhile, then I turn and go the other way. Im so sick of this seesaw....and its the same freakin theme as during the other seasons of anxiety in my life. Why couldnt I have simply been an alcoholic, or something??....jk
thanks for listening, joe

Joe,

You need to let go of this completely. God is with you no matter what. Don't worry about trying to be this or that. Just be YOURSELF and let God take care of the rest.

You take care of your self-talk and give your spirituality stuff to God. Tell God that you are struggling to find balance between the two.
God will love you along the way.

Your path is unique in this life. Be yourself and leave the spiritual changing up to God.

God knows what you need and He promises to meet our every need. So you take care of yourself and let God do the rest!!!

Susan, right? Smears.....thank you for your reply....I've actually got a tear in my eye from reading that. Everyone who knows me has said that i am too hard on myself in regards to God....I dont know why. I was an only son, with three sisters. My dad was an old fashioned type from another country. He didnt show feelings, always the tough guy. He never told me he loved me. I tried so hard to please him, and never accomplished that. I always felt like a failure in his eyes, like i didnt measure up. Maybe thats where i got it. God bless you and thank you for being sensitive to my post. Joe

Joe,

Perhaps you really are still trying to earn love but instead of your dad it's God that you are trying to impress (?) just a thought...

You know that we cannot earn that free gift of salvation. God loves you no matter what you say or do. Nothing can keep you from His love. God's grace is abundant! Grace is what we get when we fail or fall short.

Romans 8:35 & 38,39 says "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, of famine, or nakedness, or peril or sword?""For I am persuaded, that neither death nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus"

Nothing will keep you from God's love Joe! You can't earn it, you don't have to fear losing it!! It's ALWAYS there! Whatever self-talk you go through regarding this acceptance, you must take time to tell yourself the truth and remind yourself of God's own Word! Nothing can separate you from HIS love! Isn't that great?!!

2 Corinthians 12:8-10 says "Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said unto me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

Grace carries us when we cannot do it! We don't have to be perfect!

I have found myself at times, feeling like I need to do this or that and to be sure that I do them "right". I put alot of pressure upon myself to "DO" and understood that if I didn't that God would be disappointed in me.

The gospel of our Lord is simple! Why do we make it so complex? I don't do this anymore because I refuse to. My self-talk sounds like this...

"Thank you for being patient with me God."
"God loves me no matter what."
"I don't have to be perfect anymore."
"God didn't create me to be perfect."
"God's grace covers me when I fall."
"God is always faithful"
" I can be myself and God loves me JUST AS I AM"

Try taking time to write down your negative thoughts about your spirituality and God. See exactly what it is you are telling yourself and then replace those thoughts with the TRUTH!

God is with you Joe! You are in my thoughts and prayers!

The book of Romans is so amazing! You will find the simplicity of the gospel there!! Remember it's simple.... HE LOVES YOU NO MATTER WHAT!!

God bless.

Thanks Susan. Its true...Ive never been able to grasp the concept of grace. I read the bible and it says, "Let no unwholsome word come out of your mouth." So, I walk around trying to follow that. Eventually, something will really anger me and I may start cursing. The bible says, "If you look at a woman with lust in your heart, youve committed adultry with her, in your heart." So, I try not to look lustfully at women. Eventually, I WILL look at a beautiful woman, lustfully. On and on it goes....So if being a christian is following scripture, Im a failure. I cant follow the word. So then my alternative is to "be myself". We are supposedly saved by grace, and yet the scriptures are full of warnings and admonitions to live a certain way. "Work out your salvation with fear and trembling"....what does that mean in relation to grace?? I dont get it. The bible says, "All who call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved." Yet, if you listen to most preachers they talk as if they are on the straight and narrow, while most of the rest of us are on our way to hell. I need to be IMMERSED in grace. The last few days I have decided to just "be myself" which, in my mind means that if I get mad, I cuss. If I see a hot chick, I look. If I want to listen to heavy metal, I listen. Thats me...just a typical male. Im not hurting anybody, Im just working, paying bills and living the best I can. However, when Im like this, scriptures run through my mind that nag me to death. I get scared, or panic, then I ask God to forgive me for being "in the flesh". I repent, and then I no longer cuss, I no longer look at women, I no longer listen to rock music. I "live for the Lord". But when im like this, I CANT be myself. So, eventually I get frustrated and I go the other way. AND THE CAUSE OF MY ANXIETY IS ALWAYS IN WONDERING WHICH WAY TO GO.

Hi Joe,
Thank you for sharing with us your inner struggle. I think you may not realize it, but you just posted where the problem lays. It was in your statement regarding God, "since he is never satisfied."

Where did you get that idea from? And Why? or is it just something that you have convinced yourself of because of your struggle with anxiety?

If we consider God's qualities as freguently indicated in the scriptures such as love, mercy, and so forth -- than that would not be consisitant with one that is "never satisfied" with us.

The scriptures indicate that God was satisfied with many faithful men of old in spite of their imperfections and weakness. Examples of faithful men of old are found in Hebrew Chapter 11. In verse 32 we notice that David is mentioned.

Regarding David we have read in the scriptures that he committed adultry and murder. However, he was forgiven because of his repentance. Thus, God became satisfied with his worship or else why would he have listed him with faithful men long after his death.

Peter often got himself in an unpleasent situation due to his overly reacting. The worst when he lied three times denying Christ due to his fear of man. Nevertheless, these imperfections he worked on and still has a place in the Kingdom. Thus, he satisfied Christ and God understanding his emotional make-up.

The Apostle Paul dealt with inner struggles between being spiritual or fleshly. These feelings made him miserable. He even had a burst of temper when in the missionary work. He was a human with feelings and emotions. Joe, you may find it helpful to read his account at Romans Chapter 7 verses 14 through 25. Reading this may help you see that being imperfect with a measure of anxiety does not mean to give in and give up the spiritual man. Or to have to make a choice.

God knows that we are made of dust and our limitations because he is our Creator. He expects no more of us than what we can do with our circumstances. He expected no more from the Widow from Nain then what she could afford to contribute, "the widow's mite."

However, he is not and will never be satisfied with a worship that is defiled with false teachings [doctrines]. Therefore, he tells us how we can satisfy him regarding our worship. --Matthew 7:13-23; Romans 10:10-18; Acts 17:11; John 17:3; Eph. 4:5. One would need to obey and follow the commission set forth by Christ to satisfy God. --Matthew 24:14; 28:19, 20; Acts 20:20. Of course health and/or confinement to bed would make it difficult to a full extent. But God understands circumstances.

Addionally, one would't satisfy God if they habitually fail to follow Bible principles regarding their conduct. Or change by means of repentance to the doing of what is right. --1 Peter 4:4; 1 Cor. 6:9

I wish you well and can understand what you are going thru. I have found that when I try to be balanced in my Christian activities with my circumstances that I can handle anxiety much better. I also know it helps to know for a scriptural sureity that my beliefs or religion is in harmoney with the Bible. Lastly, until we are relieved of the physical and emotional ailments, of this system of things we may have anxiety due to medical or mental problems. And for that it is best not to be too hard on oneself because it only makes the anxiety, phobias and panic worse.
--Rev. 21:3, 4.

If you wish to talk about this thru e-mail or on the forum with me further please do so.

Wish you well,
Victoria

Thank you, Victoria. For the last few days I have been working on "just being myself" instead of conciously walking a spiritual high wire. I had a strange experience today. I went to work early this morning, like 2:30 am. I suddenly saw a vision, if you want to call it that, of Jesus carrying me through the sand. It seemed that I could clearly see that the one he was carrying was me. I sobbed uncontrollably. It was as if the Lord was showing His love to me in spite of myself. That was the message I got. Then later on, about 8 am, I was at one of my stores (Im a truck driver for mcdonalds), and I saw a homeless man pushing a shopping cart. I felt moved to give him the rest of my lunch, although I had no cash on me for the rest of the day. Again, I had this uncontrollable urge to weep. It was as if the Lord was showing me what a good heart I had, as I have often been aware of the needs of the homeless on my route....Ive given money and things, and prayed for them. It felt as if the Lord was hugging me, and it was overwhelming. I was feeling His love, as He was allowing me to see that He indeed lives in my heart. I weeped again, and I guess He is helping me to love who I am without "trying to be perfect". I think that if I can remain on this track, without getting back on that "high wire", I can get over this guilt complex towards God and go on. Thanks