JUst a few months ago i was loving life, I was loving work, loving eatig right, exercising, free time, spending time with my family I Was finally were i always wanted to be and now i feel nothing but sorrowcomplete and utter sorrow. The peace that God can offer is clouded by my hearts desire to be free of the prison i feel serving him puts me in. Though people tell me everyday that he loves me i don't believe it if he did my joy would be restored satan would not have this power over me. When it first started i dropped everything watching t.v, went to church every service, prayed, read my bible, read all books retaqining to the bible, listened to preaching on the radio and it was lifting this heavy sorrow and then suddenly i heard a sermon and the weight of serving God is too big i want to run. I have no were to go. I just want my joy back. I am so hurting as i am sure most of us are if we are using this website.

Lael
I am so sorry for your sorrow and trials. I do understand where you are coming from. I too am a religious person and always want God in my life. When I was suffering so greatly with my anxiety, I was truly having a hard time functioning, I had to seperate myself from reading the Bible and even going to church, for a time. I ofcourse kept praying, but I had to give myself time to heal from this condition. We are such sensitive people and sometimes, yes just a sermon can put us in the depths of despair. God does love us and he understands us better than we understand ourselves. He understands this condition and he knows it takes time to heal. I hope and pray you do have the program and are giving it your all. It will help you so much. I hope this has helped in someway. I will pray for you and I wish you the very best.
Your Friend
Angla

Maybe this will be helpful, maybe it won't. I sense that my concept of God is quite different from yours, but here goes...

It's unworkable for me to believe that there's an external God looking down on me from above and controlling what happens in the world and demanding that I do/don't do certain things to attain his favor.

For me, God lives within and I believe that as humans, we all have the capacity to experience God. I experience God in people, nature, etc. I experience God when someone smiles at me or when someone lets me in front of them in line at the grocery store. All God requires of me is to live a compassionate life. God does not prevent bad things from happening to me, or cause them to happen if I'm not 'being good'. It's much less stressful for me to believe that way. I wish it hadn't taken me 35 years to come around to that way of believing, but since I did, my world makes much more sense.

Hi Iael,
Why are you in this prision serving him? That is not his will and promise for us. What has caused that? I have experienced an intensity similiar on my spiritual journey when I was trying to do EVERYTHING and listen to EVERYONE and the right preachers etc and do all the right things pray and be in the word and confess and repent and warefare and go to service every Sunday. I realized that I was approaching my spirituality and relationship with God using my perfectionistic/obsessive ways, behaviors and thinking patterns and I was trying to keep it all in a nice NEAT box. I tired myself out and realized that I was also doing a lot of "works of the flesh" which ususlly gets us into trouble. So I realized I was actually pushing him away and distancing myself from him and I do believe the enemy was using this "good" thing in that way. My thinking and behaviors were tainted about the whole thing and I believe that is where the enemy was working. So I now know that for me serving God isn't about all those things and it doesn't say all that in the word either. Yes we do have some responsibilities however we are to find our rest in him, lean not on our own understanding and stay out of the works of the flesh and RECEIVE his GRACE and MERCY (his unmerited favor and blessing)(which means we do nothing except take him as our savior) So I started to practice receiving his grace and mercy and being still and knowing that he his God. Psalm 37:7 Be still and rest in the Lord;wait for Him and patiently lean yourself upon him.
I am not sure what the "prision" is or what has happened but he does not intend for you to feel that you are in prision serving him. Serving him could be just be sitting quietly listening to praise and worship and just being with him. Song of Songs 2:14 Oh get up my fair and beautiful lover come to me come, my shy and modest dove leave your seclusion, comeout in the open. Let me see your face, let me hear your voice. For your voice is soothing. He is just longing for us in that way! Just longing for us. He wants to bless us and He does not want us in pain or prision. Sometimes we create that pain or prision somehow ( again I am not sure what has happened for you)
Iael ~ I hope this helps you in some small or big way. God is right there with you just waiting for you. He will meet you right where you are, right where you are. Maybe just doing something simple that makes you feel his presence. I know for me nature and worship music are huge for me to get into his presence and feel peace or be able to just cry out to him. Cry out to him. Tell him all that you are feeling. He loves you! Philippians 4:4-6 Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

Know I am thinking of you and just praying he will reveal himself to you in your pain.

Blessings,
K

Iael, I was hoping you would have responded back to some of these good posts. I hope you will let us know how you're doing and that you are better.

I'm sure most of us have doubts at times and wonder where God is. Even Jesus said, "My God, my God, WHY hast thou forsaken me?" I start having those thoughts and then I remind myself of Romans 8:28 "ALL things work together for those who love God and are called according to His purpose." GOD HAS A PURPOSE FOR YOU so don't be discouraged ok?

I remember crying out to God and saying, "ALL things work for good?????? How God is this anx/dep and bi-polar working for good? Now I see it. If I hadn't been diagnosed with bi-polar several years back and gone thru all the stuff I did how could I relate with others in similar situations without realizing what was really wrong with me. God used this program and people to help me realize I'm not alone. God showed me others who got help and how I too could receive that help. You can too. God has NOT abandoned you. Cry out to your God! He's using us to help you. Please talk to us.

Barb

What a beautiful caring response. Amen

Zoe

i just want to say thank you to all. shootingstarz your post was exspecially helpful 2 me i am stuck in a cycle everyone i know says that it is me telling me that i must do this and that instead of rest in God's promises and in his word. I just feel so detached and i keep it that way so that i don't have anxity. yes do pray for me i think i lost what should be my first love. I cannot exspress how helpful it is to have so many people respond and care. THANK YOU.

I think there are many, many people that are so afraid sometimes (myself included) to try to relate to a God that demands so much of us to try and have a good life. We cannot relate to Him because of the people and pressures put on us at a very young age to get to know Him in their own way.

Don't get me wrong, I believe that my parents, the churches I attended and the scriptures I read were all for good, but the older that I get the more I understand that God reaches out to us separately and much differently from person to person.

We see anxiety, stress, insomnia, panic and depression as afflictions put upon us by a vengeful being (be it God or Satan). We are left with nothing and scramble to read up on His words and pray to Him to take away these terrible feelings of fear and despair.

My feeling is that God, our God, is love. Love is not mysterious, vengeful or wrathful. It just is. When we are loved, we are also put forth to have lessons to let us understand and appreciate that love IF WE CHOOSE.

The Choice is God's gift to us. We can choose to see a greater good, or we can choose to see this life with all our hurts as some sort of cosmic accident. I am working on choosing to see the greater good.

God does not require me to beat my head against a wall to gain his favor. He puts forth a challenge with this anxiety to gain a new, deeper understanding of my own mind, my thoughts and how they have effectively brought me down this dark road of fear and unsettling.

The good news to me is that God also gives me the knowledge and understanding to change my own mind. I can read, I can ask questions to my doctor, therapist, family and friends to see how they also deal with their own anxiety. I have also been given this gift of finding a program that can literally retrain my own brain to short-circuit fear responses and turn towards a happier life with no panic episodes, low anxiety and high self-esteem.

Along the way, I can reach out to others to encourage them along on their own journey. I can listen, I can now relate and my heart is softened. After years of practicing the habits that this program teaches, then the idea of God becomes clear to me. He does not want us to hurt with our anxiety and depression. He wants us to learn to turn away from the helplessness and use our own minds to heal ourselves. He wants us to tell our story to others to encourage them to heal. He wants us to feel more compassion to everyone. He wants us to feel...love.

That is God that I know. His way is a mystery to me, but I walk with Him knowing that none of us were ever, or will ever be forsaken.

I truly wish everyone here peace in their hearts and minds.

Eric

Erick your post is amazing! Is an inspiration for me. I truly believe just the same as you do! God bless you all...

I know that God has not gone anywhere, but I have. I have totally withdrawn from life and God. I used to feel renewed and at peace when I communicated with God, attended services, and shared a fellowship with other believers. I stopped attending services, and have now reached the point that I don't even know how to talk to God. I feel overwhelming guilt and responsibility for this loss, but I can't seem to "drag" myself from the depression, anxiety and despair that I feel. Please pray for me.

Hi lael,

Naturally, only God knows for sure what's going on in your heart. In one of your recent posts you spoke of your biggest fear as being afraid to give something up. The subject of surrender comes to my mind and I thought that I would share a few excerpts from a book called "Truth or Propaganda"

There is an old story, somewhat lacking in authenticity, about a man chasing a rabbit through the woods. He was almost upon the rabbit, the story says, when suddenly they came to the edge of a cliff. The rabbit, of course, had the advantage. It was small and agile, able to make a quick turn and avoid going over the precipice. but the man couldn't make the turn and went over.
As he was falling, he sighted a limb on a bush and was able to grab it. Then he began to scream for help. He shouted, "Is anyone up there?" There was no answer. so he yelled again, this time still louder, "Is anyone up there?"
Finally he heard a stately voice from somewhere above, "To whom do you wish to speak?"
And the man, desparate as he hung onto the limb, managed to shout, "Anyone who will help me."
Then, according to the legend, the strange interchange continued. The voice from above asked, "Do you have faith?" And the man replied, "Yes." He hoped it was true.
"All right," said the voice, "if you have faith, let go of that limb."
The man hesitated. He looked down. It was a long way down. All that stood between him and certain death, it seemed, was that limb. Finally, after, a long silence, the desperate man shouted, "Is anyone else up there?"
Just a story. Just a legend. But how true to life. We think we have faith in God. We talk about it, and boast about it. And we get along fine--so long as our faith isn't challenged. But when it is--when we get into a tight spot where we have to throw our full weight on it, where we have to demonstrate it or deny it--that's another story.
It isn't easy to let go the limb we're holding onto--no matter how insecure it may be--and just trust God. And many a man, when God has asked of him a full surrender, has looked around for some other god to worship, for a faith that didn't require that kind of commitment. It isn't easy to let go!...Surrender is the most difficult thing in the Christian life. Yet surrender is the only key, the only entrance, to a saving relationship with our Lord. How can He save us until we stop trying to save ourselves? How can He save us until we are willing to let Him save us His way?
Surrender sounds like risk. That's why we fear it. We seem to think that God is just waiting to dump a whole assortment of unpleasant things on our heads the moment we surrender. Surely He will ask us to give up everything we don't want to do, and experience everything we don't want to experience.
What kind of God do we think He is? Would a God who loves us enough to give His only Son to die for us--would He go out of His way to make life as unpleasant as He could? The apostle Paul asks it this way: "He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how shall he not with him also freely give us all things?" Romans 8:32.
Listen. If you knew Him, if you really knew Him, you would be eager to let Him manage your life. You would know that it's perfectly safe. You would know that it involves no risk at all. Rather, the deeper your commitment, the more complete your surrender, the greater will be the sense of wonder at His love, His providence, His unfailng care. When you surrender to the Lord Jesus Christ, you are surrendering to One who loves you as if you were the only person in the world to love. Could there be any risk in that?...A man will never find personal victory until he throws aside his miserable crutches and says, "Lord, I am a sinner. I've made a mess out of my life. I can't manage it. I bring my defeated life to You just as a child brings a stubborn toy to his father. You make it work. I can't. But You can!"
That's how simple it is. It's difficult only because it isn't easy for a proud, hard heart to be broken. It isn't easy for a man to surrender, to admit that he is weak.
But surrender is the key. Without surrender there is no miracle, no victory, only continual defeat.
Surrender happens when we look at Calvary and see Jesus dying there in our place, on a cross that should have been ours. Surrender happens when that cross becomes more importrant than our pride, when we know that we don't want to wound the Saviour again--ever!
Then the miracle happens!

Alone,
I know how you feel. I have been there. I am just now crawling out of my hole a little. I let a lot of things keep me from church and life. The program is helping me. If you read other posts in this spirituality topic, you will hear similar stories. I pray you will get back in the Word and back into prayer.

gil,
The thought and time you put into that post amazes me thank you. I so want to surrender and i ask God to let me surrender everyday. The problem is I want everything to return to normal i want it all to go back to just how it was i don't want to crawl out of this hole again i just want to not be in it. I laid awake last night and i had a moment were nothing mattred but that God loved me it was the closest i got to actually sleeping last night.

Hi. I personally believe now that the major root if not 'one' of the major ones of anxiety disorder is that it is an inablity to accept uncomfortable feelings. (I know so many really negative critical people - more negative than I've ever been, and they've never had a panic attack.) In this society we grow up being taught that we shouldn't feel angry, etc.. especially girls.. Perhaps as children we were rejected for having certain feelings or disciplined for our bad feelings & bad behaviour- the two were not separated. I recently bought an e-book on CBT and the author explains that instead of focusing on our feelings (ie. saying 'It's ok that I am experiencing nervousness for now. It cannot harm me')we should instead be focusing on what we can do. When we go ahead and do what we have to do we realize that the danger we thought was not way as much. We start to see it as bogus.

I am a Christian too. My faith has really been tested to the hilt the last 2 years.
It's true that we can joyfully talk about our faith, but it's not until you're in the FIRE that you see what you're made of !
People who have really helped me learn about the Grace and freedom of God are Charles Stanley, Joyce Meyer and Steve McVey.

Recently Charles Stanley had a 3 part video broadcast on Grace. It is really fabulous. He really explains who God is.. Many times we have this picture of God, that we need to continually perform to keep Him happy but that is further from the Truth. Even on our worst day he is rejoicing, clapping and singing and shouting over us. It just melts my heart.
Here is the link to the broadcasts if anyone is interested. http://www.intouch.org/site/c.dhKHIXPKIuE/b.2295457/k.4...__Video_Archives.htm

Also JOyce Meyer had a broadcast just a few days ago on the Love of God with a guest panel.
I highly recommend this.
http://joycemeyer.org/OurMinistries/Broadcast/TV/Archive/20080626.htm

Steve McVey has a great video series called the 'GraceWalk". You need to buy this. It is 6 CD's and it is by far the most treasured thing in my library. His website is Gracewalk.org
and also has a forum. You can also see him on youtube.com dispelling common teaching error.
I think this might be on his website too.

Recently I read this article
'Walking in the Spirit'
http://www.secretsofsuccess.com/resources/walkinspirit.html
It is really excellent because many times we have problems in life because we are walking in our flesh instead of depending/resting in the Holy Spirit. But that's OK, we are not perfect and we are on a journey. This 4 page article will tell you how and also encourages us to give thanks in our trials aka - 'Thank you God for my panic attacks'. Interestingly, this is a form of acceptance isn't it ? Here's a cut and paste from this particular topic of the article (page 4):
...........................................
In Romans 8:28 Paul writes, "We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Do you believe this promise of God's Word? If so, you logically acknowledge the reasonableness of the command of God in 1 Thessalonians 5:18: "Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

Have you learned to say, "Thank You, Lord," when your heart is broken because of the loss of a loved one? Do you thank God when tout body is wracked with pain? When you receive a letter terminating a love relationship? When you have financial reverses? When you fail an exam? When you are unemployed? Do you thank God when you are discriminated against personally, religiously, or racially?

You may say that only a fool would give thanks to God under such circumstances. Ho, not if you know "that in al things God works for the good of those who love him." If God has commanded you to give thanks, there is a reason for it. This is one of the most exciting lessons I have ever learned - the lesson of saying "Thank You" even when things go wrong.

Before I made this discovery I used to lose my patience when things went contrary to my wishes. Closed doors would often be forced open, if necessary. If they did not open before me, I tried to break them down, I was often tense inside an impatient with other. Then I discovered what a fool I was. Tragically we injure our brothers with our impatience, our criticism, out thoughtlessness. When Christians act this way, the entire Body of Christians suffers.

But God has given you a better plan.. You can relax. You can say "Thank You" when the whole world is crumbling around you because your God is sovereign and omnipotent. He holds the world in His hands, and you can trust Him, He loves you. And He promises to fight for you.

He has commanded you to cast all of your cares upon him because He cares for you. He personally visited this world and took your sins upon Himself, and He is waiting to bless and use you. But he will not bless and use you if you are worried and unbelieving. he will not bless and use you if you complain and criticize and find fault.

Some time ago, a young woman came to our headquarters for one of our training conferences. After one of my messages, she came for counsel. Through her tears she shared how her dearest friend had been killed in an accident. They were coming home from their engagement party, and an oncoming automobile crossed the center line, forcing her off the road into a telephone pole.

The tragedy was compounded by the guilt she felt because she had been driving the car. Her heart was broken.

"What shall I do?" she pleaded.

Months had passed and she had gone to psychiatrists, psychologists, ministers and many other seeking counsel. She said, "If you can't help me, I fear for my sanity."

I asked her if she were a Christian, and after some discussion she said, "Yes."

We read Romans 8:28 and I asked her, "So you believe that all things work for good?"

She said, "Yes, I believe that."

We turned to 1 Thessalonians 5:18. She read it aloud: "Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

I said to her, "Have you thanked God since the loss of your loved one?" She was shocked and could hardly believe she heard me correctly. Looking at me in disbelief, she said, "How can I thank God when I have experienced such a tragic loss?"

"You do not trust God, do you?" I asked.

"Yes, I trust God," she insisted.

"Then why not show Him that you do?" I asked, "I know it will be difficult and may seem ridiculous at first, but will you pray and tell God that you trust Him and give thanks in everything even though your heart is breaking?"

As we knelt together, she prayed through her tears, "God I don't understand why my dearest friend was killed, but I know I can trust You; and I do say , 'Thank You.'"

When she said, "Thank You," she was saying to God, "I will trust You." The Bible says that without faith you cannot please God, and the best way to demonstrate faith is to say, "Thank You." You may think that you hate God because you have lost a loved one, your inheritance, your money, your business or your health. You may ask, "Why did God do this to me?" But God says, :Give thanks in all circumstances."

That young lady came to my office early the next morning literally bubbling with joy. She said, "Last might I slept without medication for the first time since the accident. And this morning when I awakened, my heart was filled with praise and thanksgiving to God. I just cannot understand it, but I know that it has something to do with what you taught me about saying 'Thank You' to God."

I could share hundreds of similar stories about Christians whose lives have been transformed by learning the simple lesson of saying "Thank You" in all things.
......................

Anyways, just sharing what helped me..

Regards, Peace one

lael,
i am sorry that you have been suffering so much. as you guessed, yes--i think i have been in a similar place.

i must say that it is wonderful that you had the time that you described as peaceful--when things seemed to be going smoothly. those times are nice.

however we all have growing pains--and in a strange way they are a privilege. God can help us above and beyond what we can imagine--so i pray that you will have courage and strength to make good choices and walk toward your calling.
God bless!