It's much better than it used to be but I come from a family with many anxiety/depression etc. disorders. We've all gradually gotten help through the years individually and we've all grown up alot too. I'm fighting some anxiety over this year's Thanksgiving however, since it's the first time in 5 years that we'll all be together at once and sometimes that evolves into some kind of explosion between siblings. I am never involved but tend to be the peacemaker that everyone tells their problems. I've heard some ripples about some conflict and am wondering how some of you cope with that sort of thing during the holidays? My husband usually tries to protect me and take me home if it gets to be too much since we live near by and I come and go rather than staying there. Most of them will be there for at least 4 days. I usually also take at least one day off away from everyone. I love them all but hate the times when they are in conflict.
tessie1

Hi Tessie. You are bringing this up in the “Expectations” forum, so I will provide my POV on this from Session Four skills.
First, be aware of the 4 core themes of our anxiety and depression. These are right off the personality traits list (Session One, introduction): perfectionism; lack of assertiveness; unrealistic expectations; and victim thinking.
You have already said you know this occasion will be far from perfect. That’s okay, and there is nothing you can do to turn it around and make it perfect. You say you are not involved, but then you admit you are the peacemaker. That means you are involved with everyone’s conflicts. If you have difficulty with assertive skills (saying things such as “I’m honored you want to confide in me, but I’d rather not be involved in your conflicts with John Doe,” then you really are going to be part of all the day’s conflicts. What to do? Opt out of being the peacemaker. Refuse the role. Peacemakers are not neutral parties. There are no neutral parties when the group agreement is to have conflict. As for unrealistic expectations, that’s a given, because you already have an exit strategy, since your husband will take you away when things get too difficult. Finally, victim thinking is what you did not write down, but seems to be your theme: the gathering will evolve into explosions, and you will get hurt and need a day off to recover.

None of this means you failed. It simply means you don’t have all the tools and skills to navigate this yet. My question: Do you really want to be there? If you want to be there, recognize it won’t be a Normal Rockwell Thanksgiving. Practice some assertive skills which will insure others will respect your decision not to be peacemaker. Finally, recognize you can choose not to be the victim of this occasion because you are not participating in the various conflicts between your family.

Work on all the session skills you have acquired up to this point. Listen to your Relaxation CD during the drive over there. Listen to it during your drive home. Remember that we get embroiled in the very belly of these conflict monsters because we don’t know what else to do. Your family does not seem to know what else to do. You can’t teach them, but you can be a good example to each of them as to how not to be part of the conflicts.

Happy Thanksgiving. I hope it turns out well for you.

Wow! This is all very helpful. I didn't realize I was taking the victim role but I really am. I also didn't realize that being the peacemaker is taking part in the conflicts.

I also need to be more positive. The explosions have gotten less and it is possible that there won't be one.

I do want to see my family. I already listened to two of my sisters. I want to listen but not get sucked in to their problems. Is that possible?

This is all so new to me...what is my role now?

Thank you!
Tessie1

Hi Tess!
Well the holidays are over. How did you do?
I hope you had some fun if you did get together with your family.
I really know how difficult it can be with family. I really need to listen to Pecus for sure. And rework the program.

I had a few bad days.
I just had a breast removed for cancer.
But seems that the cancer wasn't the issue.
I also have macula degeneration in both eyes and my vision is not as good as it used to be.
Which is putting it mildly.
Well my relatives began to discuss me behind my back and plot what to do about me. They were writing emails to one another etc.
But none of them approached me about it If they had it would have been no big deal. I would have listened to them. But a relative approached my kids about it and wanted them to get my car.
Well, this wasn't necessary. All they had to do was come to me.
I was in hospital having surgery.
I'm not adverse to giving up the car.
But I found out what they were doing and saying . And I blew my stack.
I was angry for days. I'm cooling down now but
I probably said some stuff that I shouldn't have.
But yes I know about family's. Most of the time they mean well. But it sure can be nerve wrecking.
I am 80 years old.
So you see you need to learn to handle it now.
Cause it doesn't get any better.
It goes on and on!
Good luck!
MJ

Hi Tessie and MJ (Cornflower).

I had forgotten about this post, and apologize to Tessie for not seeing the question about what is your role now. Your role is to be who you are! In future family events, you recognize you don’t want to be part of the group conflict, so always opt out. That’s your role, because it’s the one you said makes you feel better: to NOT be part of the conflict.

MJ, I have to add my upset right along with yours! Your family discussed you and your life and your possessions as if you were a five year old. That would have made me furious. Sometimes people do need to know they’ve crossed a line. I recall about five years ago, my mother used her van to wipe out the mailbox, leaving it in splinters all over the roadway. When my father saw the van, then went out to the road and saw what was left of the mailbox, he asked my mother if she was aware what’d happened. She wasn’t. She, too, had severe macular degeneration (and diabetes). We discussed the danger of driving with her, and she gave my dad her keys. She never drove again. But it would not have been okay to have discussed this behind her back, or to have taken her van away without her agreement. She was 74 at the time, and there was nothing wrong with her mind. Any family interference without her involvement would have been insulting and disrespectful to her. I hope your family can show you the respect and dignity of always involving you in any future anything which affects you. You are one of the kindest, most compassionate, and most wise people here in our community. You are also an elder in your family. That means you deserve to be honored, not insulted. I have only one elder left in my family. She is my 84 year old aunt. She now has the family title of Family Chief. We are especially lucky to have her wisdom with us, and we are honored by her presence. I hope your family learns this, as well.
I agree with you. Some members of your family were out of line.
I hope I’m not sounding too much like I’m taking sides, but I think I am. I’m on your side on this one.

Thanks Pecus!!
That helps a lot!!!!

Some good news. I got the staples out today.
I won't have to have any radiation or chemo.
I'm healing.
I went to store today alone.
All is well.
I'm a survivor.
But people like you along the way make the days brighter!!
Thank you.
Mary Jane