So I started the program about 5 weeks ago. I stuggle with generalized anxiety 24/7 and wake up with heart palpatations every morning at about 5:00 or 6:00. I have really tried to stop the negative self talk techniques and what ifing and analyzing and not trying to predict my future. I had my first panic attack at 27 and was going to graduate school and trying to be a perfectionist. I got on medication and a couple of months after, then went through a breakup in which I was engaged and had been with him for 8 years and he cheated on me and ended the engagement, because he said he loved me, but needed to find himself. This was a very tramatic time and I went through a deep depression. Unfortunately I continued to speak with him on and off for the next five years (so unhealthy, I know), on three occasions through the years said he wanted to try to get back together, but never followed through. I had a little issue with anxiety, but was good for seven years and only on a very low dose of medication. I met my husband three years ago and we got married a year ago. When we got engaged I cut off all communication with the ex, and really felt like I had a fresh start. And we did not speak for a year. At this time, I then only had minimal throughts of him, but for the most part not much. I love my husband and do not want to push him away or blame this for coming back again, but we also had a hard first year of marriage, with trying to figure out meds. for his ADHD, trying to figure out how to live together and me stepping down from a Supervisory job (which I choose so we could try to start to have a family since I am currently 34), but then felt like a failure, because I could not handle the stress, and could not handle being home all of the time, after being very career oriented for so long. I also now see through the program, that my ridiculous expecations that after getting married, my problems were solved and we planned to try to have a child after I stepped down from my job. I then started to have the anxiety again. Was off my medication for two months and bottomed out due to trying to find a part time job, obsessing about why I was not happy and working at a minimum wage job and having a masters degree. In the mean time my ex's sister passed away, right after the honeymoon and I was faced with my old life, whcih I had worked very hard to put in my past. I took this really hard and felt very sorry for him. He called and unfortunately I was supportive to him and spoke to him - big no no, but I did, I again cut off all communication two months ago. I then began to have obsessive thoughts about my old life and him, which I analyzed why I was thinking about this and that I was cheating on my husband in my mind, and comparing him to my ex. I started back at the company that I left and the anxiety went away, but not the obsessive thoughts of ex, why my marriage wasn't perfect, getting angry and stewing in my mind why my husband didn't pick up more, talk more about feelings and couldn't control some of his adhd symptoms of being hyper. Since I had job and worked through anxiety I got off medication again and we started trying to have a child again. In the mean time, my husband was on too high of a dose of medication, which made him more hyper and I became more over critical of him and would worry when we would go out with other becuse of his excessive talking - get emberrased ect. Which I see now with program, is just another form of trying to control everything around me. When we started trying to have a child second time, I began to have obsessive thoughts of why I couldn't picture having a child, how was I going to work full time, how was I going to be home (which have a problem sitting in house after being unemployeed for six months), and am trying to quit smoking - down on myself for not being able to. My husband and I then had an argument and he shut down, I then began to have anxiety again and thought that if we are having a hard time communicating. I then had extreme anxiety and wanted my period to come, so I could take something to relieve it. My husband has been so supportive through all of this, is a loving person and I could not imagine my life without him, but I know in my mind I am blaming some of this on him (which is not fare). We have been doing a lot better in communication department and he sees a counselor for ADHD, I see mine and we see a counselor together (which then I analyze that having to see counselors, really means there is something wrong - even though I am a social worker myself) ha! So now I am obsessing that becuse this last attack was after a fight with husband and trying to get pregnant, and having to go back on meds that we will never be able to have children, and I won't be able to reconnect with husband - because subconciously am blaming husband and trying to get preg. on anxiety coming back, then what iffing that I don't love my husband (never had this thought before) I always wanted to be a mother and know we will be good parents, but how can you practice living through your fears, when it is something that is in the future? My husband says it is more important to have me in his life, and that we can adopt., ect, but that is not acceptable to me, because if because this disorder I am held back from my dreams, I really can't accept that. I am seeing my counselor once a week, doing emdr to address life tramas and back on meds and praying all day - trying to let go and let god, but really struggling. I don't want to waste my life on this disorder - I maintain doing everything - no avoidence, but my mind never stops going all day and I feel like I am trapped in a living Hell, and that this will not ever go away.

I want to get back to the fearless, funny self-confident person I was - so I can live one day at a time and enjoy my life with my husband.

Sorry so long, any advice would be great!

i know it's difficult to not worry and not get thrown into anxious episodes.. and sometimes we unintentionally hurt the people that are closest to us.. but what makes those significant people special, is that they love and care about us.. Like your husband loves you.. and life does send us curve balls (sometimes one after the other) but you are equipped to to bounce back.. and you have a support system..

So try and believe in yourself.. and make the best out of everyday..because living with "should have, could have, would have" thinking is just a waste of energy.. I too am working on trying to reverse my negative regretful thinking and use that energy for happier times in my life.. because they do come and I don't want to miss any..

Thank you for your ancouragement. I try daily, and I pray to god I will win this war, becuse I know I need to do my part - but I need to surrender to god as well.

Thank you again!