So I'm having my first real growth spurt, and it is not fun .

I'd been panic free for over a year, and off of medication since April, and then, about three weeks ago, the panic attacks were back. They aren't as often as they used to be, and they aren't interfering with my life as much (although I have been doing some avoiding), but they are just as bad as ever.

Mine came back because I'm pregnant. It's what someone on Tape 2 says about "that one little doubt." I fully believe that panic attacks cannot hurt me, but I started to doubt whether that was true while pregnant. Is something going on in my body that will make the panic hurt me now? Will it hurt the baby? Is it harmful? And that was really all it took to get the panic moving again. The other problem was that I had a really difficult first trimester (terrible nausea and some spotting), and spent a lot of time at home in bed and wasn't able to exercise. Exercising every day was the #1 thing that helped me, and not exercising has been very hard on me in terms of handling anxiety. And, I made a point, since starting to recover, of going out every day, but that wasn't always possible. So I guess now I'm seeing the damage that's caused when you don't (or can't) take care of yourself.

My biggest fear right now is what I mentioned above, that because I'm pregnant the panic attacks will harm either me or the baby, and that I can't get better without medication. My worst situation is walking around outside (this was a big problem situation for me in the past). For some reason, I get totally panicked that I'm going to be walking to class or walking to the bus or walking to the dumpster and feel awful. I'm actually not sure exactly what I'm afraid of: that I'll die, that I'll pass out, that I'll have a terrible panic attack and not get through it. But as soon as I start walking and get beyond a certain point that my brain says is "safe" (a certain distance from the bus stop or my car or my apartment), my heart pounds and I get light-headed and I feel like I can't breathe, and I'm sure something awful will happen to me. Pretty typical panic stuff, I know, but it's really irritating, and I don't know how to get over it. (Part of the problem is that it's so cold here now. I've actually been really tired for the past few months, being pregnant, and I do sometimes have to stop and sit when I'm walking to class. But while I don't mind doing that when it's nice out, when it's cold I just want to get from one place to the other as quickly as possible, which of course just increases panic.)

Actually, that's probably my only problem situation right now, but I'm so afraid of panicking while walking to the bus or to my car that it's affecting other parts of my life. I worry when I'm teaching or in class about panicking on the walk when class is over, and when I'm home I worry about my anxiety getting really bad again.

Anyway, it helps to write out these things and makes them seem less scary, but I'm still not sure how to respond to this particular fear. It's definitely one of my longer-standing fears--my very first panic attack happened when I was running in a park, and I had to walk back to the entrance dizzy and terrified--and the feelings are so overwhelming that I'm having trouble believing that they can't be bad for me. Any advice?

Lori