Maybe ya'll can tell me if this year has been a growth spurt for me.

First thing: March, 2002: My sis in law has to go in for an emergency c-section for her son, has gastroschesis (sp) and is in neonatal ICU for 3 weeks.

Second: April, 2002: One week later, my elderly grandmother's leg breaks and she falls. She has emergency surgery on her leg - has osteoporosis and the doc said she probably would never walk again. (she also had 2 strokes and several TIA's over the past 15 years). She starts to go downhill and my parents and I make arrangements for her to be taken care of in a nursing home facility. Then we did an asset protection for her assets so the state wouldn't get it (this took over 2 months) and is extremely stressful!

Third: April, 2002: my best friend and I have a massive fight (our very first one) and things never seem the same. She's getting married in the islands at the end of July, 2002; I'm broke, paying money left and right for my husband and I to be able to pay for this fiasco which was taking an entire week instead of a few days. I took time away from my baby cousin's wedding to accommodate my friend. For the next few months, she treated me like pooh and it seemed like she tolerated me - self-esteem went into a downward spiral and I found myself apologizing left and right.

Then, my grandmother ends up being in and out of the hospital May and June, 2002. Then on June 29, 2002 (Sunday), she went into the hospital again, this time for an infected skin tear and her stats weren't good. I basically watched this woman die. (this is my father's mother; my mother's parents and step-parents are all dead). Monday during the day, she tried to bite me (poor thing was going in and out of dementia). Then that nite, she basically started saying her "goodbyes"; making sure we were going to be okay, etc. (very precious moment for me). Tuesday, she went into respiratory failure and my father signed a Do Not Resuscitate Order - doctor recommended Hospice, my parents and I had a family meeting and decided this was the best for her. She went into Hospice 8:00 p.m. on Tuesday and on Wednesday, July 3, 2002 at 5:55 a.m., she passed.

Meanwhile, my best friend and I are still barely speaking; I needed her so bad - was very upset because of everything going on and she really didn't care too much. Although I can admit that while I was going through a very bad time in my life, she was going through one of the happiest of hers and I didn't feel it was fair to burden her too much.

July 20 - my parents and I fly to Niagara Falls, NY to bury my grandmother. My husband leaves July 21, by private boat with 4 other guys - to do a little fishing before going to the Bahamas for the week - wait for us girls - for the wedding on July 27. July 21st: the boat breaks down - communications broke down - they were lost at sea for 72 hours. Meanwhile, we bury my grandmother on Monday - I find out at 4:30 p.m. from my mom in law that my husband was missing. Thanks be to God - the boys were found 1:00 a.m. I felt like I was in pure hell.

I leave Tuesday morning to come home (by plane, I live in Florida) - finally see my husband. The bride and groom are now paying for everyone to get on planes to go to the Bahamas. My husband and I sat down, talked and made the decision not to go. I was extremely tired, stressed, anxious and trying to calm down. She knows of my disorder and has always accepted it - until now. Because of my decision, we have not spoken since then. Now, I feel like I'm not only grieving for my grandmother, but also grieving for my friend.

October 25, 2002: my mother has gastric bypass surgery - very stressed and anxious - but she comes through it like a champ - has lost 43 pounds so far and does not suffer from diabetes any longer.

2 weeks ago: my mother is driving down the street - an elderly man on his bike crosses the street in front of my mother - she hits him. She knocks his head - but is fine.

NOW - everything so far seems to be going pretty good. No death, no accidents, no fights (LOL). However, it seems a little hard to get into the Christmas season - although I realize I have a lot to thank Jesus for - all of these bad things have turned into blessings.

Lately, I seem to be extremely obsessive - thoughts do come and go. Last year I had a nervous breakdown and was just real strung out - was misdiagnosed as having clinical depression although I knew I was having bad anxiety/panic (as I have had for the past 10 years). Anyway, the word "suicide" used to scare the absolute pooh out of me. Then it subsided - I realized (even when I was scared about it) that it was something I would never do. A year has gone by and that "word" came up again and again, it scares me - just hearing that word frightens me.

I guess what I'm asking is: I know through this program (purchased 8 years ago) that when we are stressed, upset, anxious, panicky: our minds obsess about scary thoughts to take our minds off what is really bothering us. My heart keeps telling me that this is what is happening to me. It's the holiday season, I'm missing my grandmother and this year has been extremely stressful - it would be extremely normal for me to try and go off on a tangent to get my mind off all of that. But, it is still a little unsettling. I think I've gone back into my old ways of thinking negatively and obsessively instead of just allowing myself to feel stressed.

WHEW - I guess I really did need to unload. My good and happy thoughts go to everyone here - thanks for listening. I really needed to "talk".

Lots of love and blessings to everyone.

Lynn

Oh, by the way, you will all be soooo proud (as I was) that not once during all of this grief and strife have I panicked. I guess that is something to be reallllllly proud of!!! I guess the obsessiveness is bothering me because I feel I've been doing good. I think my last panic attack was August of last year.

Do ya'll think this is normal? My gut says yes.

Love and blessings, Lynn

Is being stressed out by everything that was going on in your life normal? That's an easy one -- YES! Have you listened to your relaxation tape lately? Although I went through the program a couple of years ago, I still find myself wanting to fall back into bad habits. When that happens, I just pull out either the relaxation tape or another select tape (tapes 3, 4, and 12 are favorites)and remind myself that I must take one day at a time, think positively, and most importantly, that I can handle anything that comes my way. Congratulations on dealing with all of that stress and not having a panic attack. This is a good thing. Give yourself some credit instead of focusing on the negative thinking. Sometimes it seems that falling back into that habit of negative thinking is comforting because it is familiar. But its not productive. Those of us who have battled panic attacks know that we can't let ourselves fall back into bad habits out of a feeling of security. Go back and remind yourself of the steps you took to stop the negative thinking in the first place. Remember the little spiral notebook? Have you written down any negative thoughts lately and replaced them with positive thoughts?

Hang in there, Lynn. You are doing well. Stress and anxiety happen but it doesn't mean that we have to pick up old bad habits again. Remember to breathe. I hope your holidays are joyful and peaceful. Embrace the good things of the season.

Thanks for your reply Mountaingirl!

You are right, of course. I have not listened to my relaxation tape in months. Just like the old habits: I have not listened to my tapes in a while. "not enough time"!!! That's no excuse, I know. Things seem to be getting a lot better and I feel good! The next day after posting this message, I ended up with the flu! Can you believe it?! But, I didn't go to work, I didn't feel guilty about it - I stayed home and took care of myself and I feel great today!

I am finally starting to get into the Christmas spirit and I do see that a lot of what I went through this year ended up turning out to be unexpected blessings. I do have a lot to be thankful for and the tapes are going to come out!

Thanks for your advice!

Blessings and happy holidays!

Lynn

Lynn,
You don't know how much your post meant to me. I thought I was the only one having the year from H-E-double hockey sticks! The stress has totally put me in a slump also and I had to go back on an anti-depressant. I am glad to know that it is looking up for you and you can see the blessings that have come out of all of it. I look forward to being in that place where I can see some blessings. I will tell you about my year so that maybe you will feel better about your's. Here goes...

I was teaching at a private school which was having financial difficulties. Right before school started they call me and say that they are going to do away with my class and I will loose my job..so I quit. The school's finances crumbled and they shut the doors a month ago so I guess it was a good thing I quit.

Money is short so I start substitute teaching around at schools hoping to get a bite at another job---nothing yet and the subbing is getting old real fast. Did I mention that I had just purchased a new car right before I quit my job because my husband had wrecked my other one?

My parents start helping out with money so I can make car payment. God bless them!

My husband injures his knee and finds out that he has a deginerative disease and needs to find a different line of work. He will probably have to have knee replacements before he is 60. He is home from work with the knee for over a month.

I have been trying to get pregnant for over a year and each time I get my period more stress mounts.

We finally find some land that we would like to build a house on. We like the area we live in and it is close to all family members. My father buys it as part of my inheritance. We start improvements on it.

Hubby goes back to work and new boss starts dealing him misery. Seems to be that he wants one of his buddies to have my hubby's job so he continues to give my husband bad reports and starts to chew him out regularly for about 2 weeks. Hubby starts coming home drinking heavily from the pressure. Finally, boss tells him he is going to demote him and hubby feels like he is going to eventually get fired. Hubby finally has enough and quits along with several others who big boss has done this way to promote people who he likes. We will still get a few paychecks because of the time hubby had.

Hubby applies for state trooper. He takes his physical test tomorrow. He has had the flu for 3 days. If he makes it in he will have to go to the academy which is 6 months long and like boot camp in military. I will not be able to see him except on the weekends. When he graduates they may send us who knows where and we will have to move. I don't want to move. I like it here in this town. If he doesn't make it in what will we do for money?

The toilet in our rent house ran over while we were out of town and flooded the bedroom. Our landlord was out of town for that whole week. It will be after Christmas before we get new carpet. We are walking on plywood floors.

I got horrible throat infection and am now broke out in a rash all over. I am either having an allergic reaction to the anti-biotic or it is a rash from pure stress.

Wow, it does feel better to get that all out in the open doesn't it!? I keep telling myself that everything is going to get better and be OK. I am holding together better than I thought I would. I am not really feeling full of the Christmas spirit though. I just feel really stressed.

Yellow Rose

Oh sweetheart! First and foremost, here's a hug (((yellow rose))).

This has certainly been a "bad" year for a lot of people I have talked to. My husband and my parents keep saying "we are looking forward to the New Year - New Year's Eve is going to be great". Our thinking is that with the New Year comes new hope, new blessings, etc. I keep looking at it as a goal. And we will get there.

I am truly sorry that you are going through some hard times. The best advice was given to me from mountaingirl. I needed to start listening to my tapes again and keep with the positive thinking. I sure am trying and it seems to be getting better. I wish to extend that to you. I realize it's probably easier said than done, but it's sage advice coming from someone who is right there with you.

I wish you and your family a very Merry Christmas and a fantastic New Year. Be safe and keep healthy! I just got over the flu if you can believe it. (stress ha ha) I will keep you in my prayers. Please keep in touch. My email: lynnard99@aol.com

Love and blessings,

Lynn