It's so easy to turn anything that we go through into a negative.
It seems to me that I am growing and changing, but at the same time, I am really suffering.
It seems like layers are coming off of me.
My thoughts lately have not been so neurotic or obsessive, it just seems that I am stuck with the habit of thinking negative. I can be fine, then suddenly a thought about my health, etc., and I'm nervous. It got so bad today that I had to pull off the road about three times today. But at the same time, I feel like I have the victory, even though I am terrified at the time, since it feels like the layers are coming off, and like I said, it seems like the only thing left is me, and my choice to think negative or positive.
I have noticed that when I suffer anxiety, which is almost daily, I tend to become negative about my recovery, instead of attempting to remain positive by referring to these episodes as Setbacks, or Practice opportunities.
This is a really hard battle, and it takes more faith and determination than probably many of us want to utilize.
I feel a victory, because I think I am finally seeing that it is indeed negative thoughts that are causing the discomfort. Just having that answer is in itself gratifying.
I'm done rambling!

thief,

Brother, you are walking the faith walk !!

I know it's hard....in fact some days it can be downright exhausting and frustrating.

But you know what ??? You are learning to be victorious through your perseverance.

You are probably the one that I think about the most here in the forum. I know it's been a very hard time for you and you've been so open here about your struggles and because you were open and honest to the forum, you were in fact, true to yourself. There are many people who won't heal because they refuse to be honest with themselves and you are not one of them.

I believe that God is showing Himself to you in a way that only you can understand. Sooner or later, God's revelations hit us and we are brought into understanding.

When I read what you wrote; I picture a man standing at a fork in the road. A man that is so used to going a certain direction is facing change and it's downright scary. But just remember my friend.....as you CHOOSE which way you will go each day....remember God is always with you and you will never walk alone!

"CHOOSE THIS DAY WHOM YOU WILL SERVE" ( josh 24:14 ) In other words, CHOOSE which way you will go! Will you serve your negative thoughts? Or positive, truthful ones ?

Take Care Thief! Keep peeling away those layers!

How you can you have a GROWTH without a SETBACK?]
A SETBACK would mean there's been GROWTH!!!!!

something to think about....

Sunset,
I always appreciate what you have to say.
I think I have reached a point this morning where I have decided that I need some help.
I called for authorization to see a therapist, and my first appointment is next Wednesday.
I really feel like I'm in bad shape this morning.
I was suppose to take a long drive by myself to go look at properties, and I got on the freeway, and I just couldn't go through with it.
I took the next offramp and went home.
I remember about ten years ago when I was going through a season of anxiety....back then I had no ability to fight off the scary thoughts. It was like I was constantly terrified.
Now it seems that I have the ability to control my thoughts to a degree, but somehow I continue to scare myself, and although part of me feels like I have come a long way, I think I am just exhausted, and I can't seem to get beyond the fear of the body symptoms. Like this morning on the freeway, my mind was flooded with thoughts like, " You can't be by yourself all day. You're gonna panic, and you are so stressed out already that you are just gonna die. Your body is gonna give out. You need help. You can't do this."
And I am tired of trying to fight those constant fears. I guess I have alot of anticipitory anxiety.
I'm not feeling too good right now. It's just amazing, this anxiety.
I have been fighting this for two years. I wish I could just snap my fingers and let it go. Somehow, I can't.
I wish I could learn to get beyond the body symptoms. You know how it is. You feel a pain in your left arm, and bam! "I must be having a heart attack. I'm not getting better. I'm getting worse. My body can't take this." Then other feelings pop up. Feelings in the chest, stomach discomfort, and MORE scary thoughts.
If I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that THESE FEELINGS WILL NOT HURT ME, I think I could be alright. It's when I feel the initial fear, and then BUILD on it. And then the thoughts.....and more thoughts.
I am usually off today. I work Saturdays. I took Saturday off, so I have four days off in a row.
I wish I could make this a positive time for me,
instead of a time of fearful anticipation.
I don't mean to be so negative.
Anyways, Sunset, I have always respected everything you have to say. Sometimes I just look for your replies to others, because I always get something valuable from you.
Thanks for your support.
Joe

Joe,
Facing those panicky feelings and learning not to run from them is incredibly hard. Believe me, I still have my days when I would rather avoid doing those things I know I ought to be doing but it's a matter of making the choice to push through those feelings and do what you need to do anyways. There are times when you feel like it will never end and you are still on the verge of losing your mind but again, these are only feelings. Feelings are created by the self-talk we give ourselves. Even God told us to live by faith. Faith has nothing to do with feelings at all. God probably told us to walk by faith because He knew just how untrue those misbeliefs we've been telling ourselves.

Faith the size of a mustard seed....think of that! Just a tiny bit of acting on the truth instead of what we feel, will bring on amazing accomplishments.

I think it's wise to seek a counselor/therapist. Why struggle like this anymore without a little help ? Why struggle needlessly?

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your therapy and I am sure that by being persistant in your search for recovery that you will find it!!

Take Care Thief, hang in there and remember that those symptoms of panic are part of the progress.

We are all here for you!!

Thank you Sunset.
I just get really scared sometimes because it seems (and maybe this is part of it) that I should be farther along by now, and I also think that my body is experiencing too much stress.
That is now my biggest fear, when I feel something and then the thoughts saying that the anxiety is killing me.
Like I said, it seems that if I could just have the assurance that the feelings will not hurt me, then I could get moving to another plateu.
I so often become aware of my breathing, which is so absolutely annoying. In fact, doesn't it seem that we just spend way too much time thinking about ourselves? I wish I could just stop WORRYING about myself.

The only way you can convince yourself that those feelings will not hurt you is by facing them, floating through them and having the experience. Sometimes it takes a very long time.
Medication can help with this. I needed medication for a while myself and at the time it was the best choice for me. Be open minded and if you feel you need something to help you along, don't be afraid to try.

I think everyone that suffers with anxiety and/or depression thinks they should be further down the recovery road than they are. Everyone is so different and some recovery rather quick and others take a much longer time. I think, personally that it depends on how much you believe those negative thoughts and how many years you've been thinking them.

The anxious person is always thinking about themselves. It's part of the anxiety/depression condition. It takes practice and persistance to refocus on things that our outside yourself. Like other people, colors, smells, etc....

I was thinking today about seasons and why God must have given them to us. I am positive that part of the reason for the seasons serves to be a reminder that life also has seasons. Those winter months can seems so long sometimes but the sun always comes out eventually.

Hang on to the positive, truthful, beautiful things in your life. As you look at your life, write down all the things are you are thankful, grateful for. And when you wake up in the morning, whether you feel it or not say to yourself "I AM HAPPY TO BE ALIVE. THANK YOU GOD FOR THIS DAY."

Thanks Susan.
You have been talking about layers, and peeling away those layers. I feel that this is what has been happening to me...perhaps layers that have been there all of my life.
Maybe I am getting to core issues here...maybe I am now raw, with not much left to hide behind.
I am being myself, as opposed to the neurotically obsessive person who repented of every jot and tittle. I have allowed the blasphemous thoughts to go unchecked...in other words, I am no longer giving those thoughts any more attention. They come and they go. If I look at a woman, so what. If I cuss at something, I don't care anymore. I have to be me, and I can no longer be that person obsessed with being perfect for God. I don't ask forgiveness anymore.
Maybe this is what drives the negative thinking. Maybe there is a vacuum left that needs to be filled. Or maybe I feel guilty for letting go of the God obsession. I have often caught myself thinking, "If I can't think like that anymore, what will I think about?"
I just need to keep this experience positive. I must have a very negative mindset.
I want to be proud of myself for going through this like I have. I want CONFIDENCE that I am getting better, and I guess that means learning to trust myself, learning to believe in myself.
Thank you Susan, I really appreciate your help.
Joe

Hi Thief
My name is Max and I have been through the entire program twice. I have to tell you that it is not easy. Everyday is a challenge for me, I either have to be positive or I know that I'm going to pay the price. There is no growth without setbacks.....just last week I started to have good days,and on day four I started to become very moody for no reason..I stopped myself and I said this is a pattern. Everytime that I start to feel better I become moody or angry or I look for something to take me back to that dark horrible place. I caught myself doing it. I simply said to myself stop it, you have the right to feel good and to be happy why do you want to be moody for no reason at all. And I have to tell you just because I got negative that day I payed the price for three days after. so it is up to you give in to your thoughts and keep giving them fuel or stop them in their tracks and completely deflate them. who has the power now
take care....Maxamillion

Something I would like to add is that "practice makes proficiency". The experience is whatever you make of it. If you go thru and worry the whole time and beat urself up for days then its feel like a setback(notice I said "feels"). If you go thru and deal witht he neg feelings then it becomes growth. Cool,huh?

Thanks everybody,
Todays my birthday, and I'm feeling pretty good.
My daughter bought me a CD of "old school" rap...I'm listening to that, and she got me a shirt with flames....lol
So I'll be going to my second therapy session in a few minutes wearing the shirt.
Then we're going out to lunch.
We're gonna have a super bowl party Sunday, so we'll actually celebrate the birthday Sunday.
I have horrible days, and good ones.
Yesterday was HORRIBLE.
But I'll get it one of these days.
God bless you all,
Joe

Happy Belated Birthday Thief!
I hope you enjoyed yourself!!!