Hi all,

I am feeling a little down today. I am so stressed right now. Want to move, but looking for a job in the area I want to go to, haven't been working for about the last 1 1/2 months, and feeling isolated, my cat is sick, I'm trying to change the way I behave with some of my family members, and sometimes it hurts. I'm often bored. I'm on a tight budget. I guess my negative thinking has been cropping up a bit. I feel like nobody knows I'm feeling bad. Today I was actually uplifted because somebody was polite at the grocery store. I guess I feel that way because I give and give and I take care of myself last. And rarely does someone really show appreciation, or return the favor. Is it just me, or are there more rude and selfish people out there? I actually struggle with simple things, because I wonder if I'm being taken advantage of. Am I doing this because my family will be upset if I don't? Won't I disappoint the person who asked? What about me? Sometimes I don't know what I want, because everyone else comes first. Someone actually called me on Friday, and asked me if I could pack my bags and go to Mississippi on Monday for a week to help rescue animals down there. Talk about short notice. I agonized over it, wondering what would my family think? Maybe I shouldn't tell them. And I felt pressured by the rescue group. I almost had myself convinced that I really wanted to go. I decided not to, and I feel relieved. The last thing I need right now is to be in what they described as a war zone. Sleeping in a tent with no running water. I feel for them, but I just don't have so much to give right now. I'd be taking it out of myself. I feel like I've taken out a loan on my compassion because I'm running short, and I'm way in debt.

I've decided that if I can volunteer right where I am, and do some good. Without traumatizing myself on the front lines. I've been job hunting, following up on a full time job. I have been more assertive than ever in my whole life. I told my Mom that I don't like being put to work when I come over. That I'll help her, but I won't do things for her that she can do for herself. She almost cried. Once I explained that I wasn't trying to hurt her feelings, she seemed relieved. I think she's afraid of losing me. It is so hard. but I know I'm on the right track with her. She's changing her bahavior and trying hard to make things better between us. I've been exercising more, eating better...although I had a run in with a batch of chocolate chip cookies today. They were just so good!! Anyway, sorry to ramble, but needed to tell someone.

Thanks,

Deb

Hi Deb - I'm in St. Paul, we're neighbors . It sounds like your mother stresses you out a lot. I have a very demanding mother as well, and I know she means well, but she drives me crazy too. It's so good that you are honest with her and create some boundaries. It may hurt her feelings, but we all have limits. And she needs to conquer some of her problems on her own and not rely on you. Is this why you are wanting to move away? Besides the freezing winter months . You should concentrate on yourself right now, and help others in ways that will also help you. It can be very healing to help others, animals in your case, and it is very admirable. But if it takes more out of you than you can afford, it's not good. What's the word on the new job? Where is it?
Good Luck Deb!
Amy Jo

Hi Amy Jo,

Good to hear from a neighbor.

I'm thinking of moving to Eau Claire Wisconsin. So a bit out of the cities area. I'm actually moving closer to my parents. I guess I'm hoping the work will be a little bit more slow paced out there than here. And I will finally have a place of my own to live in. Hoping to buy a house! But thats off somewhere in the future.

Thanks for the encouragement! I hope things are going well for you.

Deb

Deb, you are doing a great job of using assertiveness skills! It feels awkward at times, doesn't it? I hope you are very proud of yourself for doing it in spite of the expectations of others; it takes a lot of courage.
Julie

Thanks Julie,

Its nice to have encouraging people like you answer this post. Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing the right thing or I'm making a mess of things. I have been 'enabling' certain family members for years, including my Mom. I love her dearly, and over the years as her medical problems have gotten worse, I've stepped in along with other family members and taken over things she could do herself. She just doesn't want to do it. Plus I think she equates us doing things for her with love. Even though a lot of the time I resent it. Lately I've discovered that there really is no payoff for me. I have been trying to help her. But I've been doing the same thing over and over, and its not helping her. All that's happening is I feel overworked and underappreciated, and she feels like she's losing me when I get frustrated and angry and withdraw. And so she keeps trying the same thing even harder to get what she needs from me. But it is never enough, and I know now, never will be enough. The only way out seems to be to just tell the truth. If I tell her the truth, she starts telling me the truth, and we're both relieved. I just sent her a birthday card and told her not to worry, she won't lose me. And that I'm just making some change and just hang in there with me.
Sometimes I still feel like a jerk, because heres my Mom lifting something I could lift for her and I don't know her limits. Like this weekend, she was trying so hard to get me to move this plant outside and put dirt in it so she wouldn't get dirt on the floor. I just thought she could figure out a way to get the dirt in there without spilling it instead of moving it. I grudgingly brought it out because she kept at it and seemed hurt (this was before I talked to her) but I wouldn't bring it in, because she said she'd ask someone else. She put the dirt in it out there and later after we talked, she brought the plant in herself and didn't seem to have any trouble. Oh the guilt. I just have to keep telling myself. She did ok, she didn't break because she lifted 10 pounds. She lifted an 8 pound sack at the store herself because she wanted to. She's fine. It's not life threatening. If she can't lift it, she won't lift it. I'm doing the right thing. The reason I don't want to do things for her is that she's overweight, and is very inactive at home. She also has uterine prolapse, and can't lift much. And hypothyroidism, which right now is still not completely under control, and some depression and anxiety, knee problems, etc.
So, kind of complicated?

I'll keep plugging away at this. It's just my life as it has been, is and will be. I've just got to carve out my own life, along side this.

Thanks again for your replies,

Deb

Deb, I have to work at assertiveness skills, too. Sometimes, I make a mistake. When I do, I apologize later on.

But when I feel right about what I have chosen to do, I stick to my guns. I try to be kind in the was I assert myself, but I do not let myself be wimpy and apologetic when I do something that someone might not like. They need to put on their big girl panties and deal with it!

Julie,

Ha!

I love the big girl panties comment. I can also think of some people that need to put on their big boy boxers.

Its so nice to have assertiveness skills to handle it though, isn't it? Before all I knew to do was just take it and bottle up until I got angry and yelled. We both know just how much that solves.

Take care,

Deb

quote:

Sometimes I don't know what I want, because everyone else comes first

Hi Deb,

In my opinion, this may be a lot of the problem, feeling like you have to please in order to be loved and accepted. I don't know if that is what's going on, but it sounds like it. But, maybe that's just how I'm filtering it. My experience has been that if I am trying to live my life for others, rather than for myself, I am rarely in contact with my true self because we are all wired to do things out of an inward motivation, that is, this is what I choose to do, rather than an external motivation, that is, trying to please others, which is not what we are really choosing to do but feeling compelled or controlled to do. There is a humongous difference. In living to please others rather than choosing to live our lives as we were created to do, for our own God given purpose, we are out of touch with our very selves and thus forget who we really are. We lose touch with who we are living this way and often don't know what we really want to do because we aren't living for us. I can't explain it very well, but I can tell you that in living for Deb you can be balanced, do things out of a positive motivation for others because you want to, instead of feeling controlled and feeling like you are a slave to others. I lived this way for much of my life and didn't realize I was causing my own pain.

I don't know if I am filtering this due to my past, that is possible, but living to please others made me emotionally sick and I couldn't stand anymore of it. I grew up this way and didn't realize it. Played eighth grade football because the coach wanted me to, not because I wanted to, went "steady" in college for 2.5 years with a nice girl that I knew I'd never love because that's what she wanted, became involved with a Christian organization and was "used" by guilt trips being laid on me continually (compulsion, not free to choose), signed a two year Army contract and followed through with it because I didn't want to look bad in the eyes of the military officers who were my teachers in college (had opportunity to get out in three months twice and turned it down even though I really wnated to get out). I see this as emotional dependency, not ok to be myself, but must have others approval in order to feel amotionally okay inside. This is largely what makes us sick, in my opinion. We are supposed to be more self sufficient, not so dependent.

This ties in with feeling we are only loved conditionally, based on our performance. No one would love us unconditionally, as we really are. I'm still working on this one with God. Don't know if I can work it out, but I do know that conditional acceptance based on good performance or behavior doesn't work for me. It's the whole "never good enough" trip. We have to keep performing to keep being accepted. We are "never good enough" without performing. It keeps us on the old hamster treadmill going 90 miles an hour just be be accepted. It wears you out eventually and is really a negative motivation for doing things. You eventually burn out.

Hi Don,

I can relate a lot to some of what you are saying.

When I was growing up I didn't have a lot of limits. I didn't get a lot of positive feedback from family. I became very sensitive to my parents moods because I needed to know what they wanted from me, and the only way I knew how was to look at the facial expressions, the body language. I learned to change my behavior based on these subtle signs. Because no one came right out and SAID what they wanted or needed. It was always in this sort of silent code. I was (and still am) very sensitive to facial expressions, criticism as well as positive body language.

As you might imagine, I didn't learn much about assertiveness growing up. I learned a lot on my own by hard knocks. Assertiveness is the key for me.

I think I've become much less easy to take advantage of. For example, this opportunity I had to go to Mississippi to do animal rescue. I started out feeling very confused, I didn't know what I really wanted. I think that's pretty normal, given the short notice.

At first it was, will my brother approve? Will my family worry? They won't want me to go there. Then, the rescue group is counting on me. They'll be disappointed. And what about the animals?

I decided to wait 24 hours before deciding. I told my brother I was going. He looked at me, and I interpretted his response as disappointment. He slouched his shoulders, and his facial expression looked disappointed. I started defending my decision, and he said it was ok. Why do I need his approval?

There are a lot of subconscious signals passing between me and my family. I felt as though I was somehow showing up my brother by going. That I am supposed to be his little sister, and going off on my own was threatening to him. I was angry at him. That was part of the reason I told him I was going.

I planned on going, and felt tremendous pressure. No joy. By the next day I realized I didn't want to go. Didn't want to sleep in a tent for a week and have no running water. I didn't want to tend to the animals because it would probably overwhelm me. It would hurt right now. So I called and said I wasn't going. They didn't seem to expect that I would. It was short notice. I don't owe them anything.

I think I'm in a pretty good place. I'm confused but most of the time I get what I want. If I don't figure it out right away, I do soon enough.

As far as my family, I'm realizing that the payoff for my behavior is not worth the cost. I don't feel especially loved, I feel used. I feel like slave labor. I've gotten jaded about that.

I'm starting to change my behavior with them. I'm moving out (live with my brother) and I'm getting some resistance there, and its a strain. I'm changing my behavior with my parents, and getting some resistance with them. Pretty much my whole family. I know I'm on the right track, its just that they are resisting it. I'm trying to be as gentle as I can. I'm kind of angry at them for putting the screws to me. But I guess I might resist too if someone wanted to take away what felt so nice to me. I've done it myself in the past. I know it hurts to be let go, or when someone changes the rules. I used to have all sorts of safe people/places. Now I don't need them. I guess that's why theres not much of a payoff for my old behaviors.

Thanks for your thoughtful response,

Deb