Over the last 2 months I've decided that I'm going to go to Church and volunteer on a regular basis to try to form some sort of aquaintances or friendships outside of work, or just to be around other people. I want to stick it out even when my anxiety gets tough. Today it did. Sometimes this is so hard.

I volunteered today, and for some reason I felt intense fear. Its not always like that. But it became like a snowball rolling downhill. Its amazing to me that I can get so panicky while sorting and packing groceries. Its a real challenge to me, because I meet new people almost every time I'm there. There's a guy that works there that is kind of cute, and he seems funny and very compassionate. He's unavailable, which is actually a relief to me. But I seem to see him every time I'm there and I panic. How should I act around this guy? Does he know I have anxiety? Did he make that comment because I seem fake? Am I being a jerk? Does he think I'm crazy? Worst of all does he know I think he's cute? I saw him again right at the beginning of my shift, and it threw me for a loop. Even though he probably didn't even notice, or noticed very little of what was going on, I was terrified. I felt like running up to him and saying don't mind me, I have an anxiety disorder. Actually telling people there under the right circumstances might be ok. But not THAT way!!!

AAAWWWWKKKK!!! It's funny but not! I get uptight about where I should sort canned peas and corn. I feel like rehearsing lines when I go to subway to get a sandwich. "I would like a roast beef on Wheat. I would like a roast beef on wheat. over and over again. Every time I go there.
I just feel so frustrated and even angry with myself. Why can't I feel normal like everyone else? Why?

I think we get this attack when we are trying to impress someone. I know I do. In fact you helped me with this before. And I know sometimes you would just love to say - look I have this anxiety disorder - but don't. I'm sure there's more to you than just anxiety and if you just try to talk to him, you know, step by step, he'll probably notice you. The only problem is, he's taken. So it maybe is for the better, to just start practicing with him so when someone else comes along, you'll be a step closer of approaching him.

Best wishes,

maryjanemay

Thanks MJM,

I am starting to feel a lot better. After writing on the forum and some good natured whining with my sister.

You give good advice. I think it would be good to practice on this guy. He seems accepting enough. Those are the kind I like. I don't feel like I'm going to be rejected for being myself. I do need the practice! Its just so hard to face these things. Like you said in your post, I also feel like a 13 year old sometimes. And I KNOW that I don't really act like one. Actually I made conversation with a good looking guy yesterday and did fine. I just wasn't attracted to him. Its the anticipation that gets me. You know, if I just get over the initial awkwardness, I'm fine. I'm sure that's true here, too.

Thanks for helping me out. I really appreciate it.

Deb

Deb...
sorry it is hard......
If life were easy... it wouldnt be hard.
We are learning and growing it is ok to feel the symptoms that you are having ... that is all they are symptoms. You are ok and you are normal. you'd be amazed at how many people really do struggle with anxiety. We have recognized it so that is a great step. Continue to serve others and try to see the good that you are doing.
Hope this helps even alittle
Wanthappyagain

Thanks for your reply W, it does help.
I have a feeling that there is a lesson here for me, and the more I run from it the louder it will yell at me.

I think I need to learn self acceptance. When something like this hits me really deep, I fear the day or two after. Because I spend large amounts of time searching for what I did wrong, and what the consequences will be. There's a part of me I call the punisher. If I step out of line she beats the crap out of me.

This time it was intense overnight. I was afraid to go to sleep. So I had a hard time sleeping. So instead of letting the nasty thoughts get me while I'm half asleep, I woke myself up and started talking back. I prayed some, and started counting my blessings. When the fearful thoughts came I talked back to those too. I still woke up with my heart pounding a couple times, but at least I felt some comfort.

I still feel like I'm in hell, but at least I'm not running anymore. I'll go back and volunteer because I'm sick of letting my fears run my life. I think the only way to get past this is to go through it and survive and do it over and over until it doesn't bother me anymore. If I quit something I want it to be because I don't like it, not because such and such is scary to me, and I want to avoid body symptoms and embarassment.

Deb, you go girl! You are doing just the right thing, but it sure takes a lot of courage to do it. I applaud you.

thanks Julie,

I went to church today, too. I guess I'm really p***ed off. I just keep going. I thought I'd take the day off and get some rest, but woke up in time to go anyway and decided to go. I was ticked off during the whole thing, but it actually felt good, it felt real. Sometimes I get so tied up in trying to stay positive, that I bury the feelings of pain and unhappiness. But they are real. Maybe once in awhile I can complain and not worry about being a good person. It really seems like I'm a pretty good person even if I think something bad, if I have a snotty comment for God, if I swear or whatever else. I have to consider some of the horrible things people have done in the world, and how little my tiny failings compare to that. I'd rather get angry and be honest than pay lip service to God, myself or anyone else.

I'm sick and tired of staying home and taking naps becuase I'm afraid I'll be exhausted at work tomorrow. Screw it. I'll sweat, blush, say socially embarassing things, babble, get exhausted, think unpleasant thoughts, I'll get through it even if it never really goes away. Piss on anxiety. And piss on anyone who is intolerant of anxiety.

I think you have the right attitude.

What was making you angry today? If you know what (or who) is making your angry, you can address that problem directly. When I do that, the anger usually goes away.

It has helped me to adopt the attitude of not worrying about every single thing I say and do. I used to overanalyze my words and actions. Now, I look at my intention. If I say a dumb thing but had no intentions of hurting anyone's feelings, I apologize if I need to. If no apology is necessary, I just let it go.

We all have days where we just get annoyed with the stresses of life, and it feels good to let off steam. I'm glad that you're getting out there and experiencing life!

Hi Julie,

I can always count on you to be supportive. Thanks!

I'm not angry at any one person. I am angry about the past. Its that everywhere I go I feel like I'm repeating old traumatic feelings. No matter how much the skills have helped me I still repeat it over and over. I have to go through an 'initiation' period. When I started going to church, I picked out the pastor as someone to be feared. It took me 4 visits to finally figure out that he's not that old memory.
I go to volunteer, and one of the guys that works there is kind of attractive. I find that threatening because of past events. So I go through the same feelings I went through in the actual situation long ago, but he has no idea why I do what I do.
I go to work, and I enjoy talking to one of the women there. I start getting scared that I'm sexually attracted to her. I become more withdrawn and uncomforable around her. She doesn't know why. We stop talking as much and having fun together. Also a story from the past that I repeat.

This behavior is frustrating and painful for me, but I don't know how to stop it. I feel angry at myself, but yet how can I blame myself for it? I feel trapped with feelings that no one around me feels or understands, yet it affects my whole social life and my job. I feel like sharing this information would be harmful or pointless, as most of the people involved are people I'd love to get closer to, but can't.

Deb this is off subject but don't feel bad for thinking or feeling that you are attracted to another woman. You can be straight as an arrow and still have a "crush" on a girl. It just means you admire/ look up to the person she is...and maybe you even admire how pretty she is and nothing is wrong with that!

Kate

Hello,

I'm only early on in the program but I'm struggling with an issue of avoidance I think. When I get really anxious I lose my appetite and of course get scared that I'll starve. I have not been able to accept most of my positive thought replacements and I got really scared about hitting this brick wall.
I was feeling so rotten a sense of dread would just follow my around all day. I was afraid to do anything...even just get up and do household chores...since I might trigger more negative emotions. Of course I fought through that but this week since I backed off from the program for a couple of days I've felt much better. That constant dread is gone and I've had more success not thinking about things that scare me. I've enjoyed parts of my days and some of my meals.
I only have tonight and some of tomorrow to decide whether to ship the program back if I want my money back. I'm afraid if I don't I'll feel guilty for wasting money everytime I see the box sitting there but I'm afraid if I do I'll have need of it later and it won't be available. Any thoughts on this matter? Anyone have stories of turning points where they started to believe their positive thoughts? If so could you describe what thoughts you has at those moments?

Shewings,

All I can say is the program has helped me. I know others here have had success with it as well.

I was getting more anxious doing the program, but was told that the program does that in the first several lessons. You are facing things you have been stuffing away inside you, guilt, negative thoughts. When I faced our fears, the truths, it produced more anxiety in me. I was afraid of the program. But I kept it and am glad, very GLAD I did. I am on lesson 12 and my family and friends SEE the good things the program has showed me that I am putting in place. My place was lesson 8 that I started to actually beleive the positives, like I am smart (I have a 3.75 GPA), I am capable and successful in life (help friend, neighbors,family) work (I never got fired from a job, always got good raises) and relationships (have been with the same man 11 years, married to him 9). Yeah, I am going to make mistakes, probably lots of them but who doesn't? I let go of the perfectionism. My house is not as "neat" as a model home anymore, I am not Martha Stewart when it comes to entertaining nor will I ever be, but that is OK. I am done with stressing myself out over it! My mother in-law will never truly accept me because I am not German, OH WELL! I am me and that is just fine! I started to think about my happiness which I never really thought about me, I always thought about everyone else, I was never on my own list! You need to take care of yourself as well, you need a break, you need to pamper yourself, love yourself by giving yourself a break. It was strange at first, but hubby notices I am more pleasant, positive and outgoing.

This is your decision though. You asked what the program has done, and it has been a great tool in my healing. I have never felt better in my entire life. Warm wishes, LizB