Jan 5th, 2009

I finally finished my last schedualled shifts at the restaurant and I feel sooooo relieved now. I was resenting having to work both that job and the call centre at the same time. I was so bitter because I didn't get a single day off. I really don't like feeling so crusty but now I'm free!!!

Another day at the call centre job...I don't particularly like Mondays and Today was no exception...I didn't feel like getting out of bed at all, I didn't get to do a few of the things I wanted to do before leaving for work and then I got to work and found out we had to do cold calling!!! Yay!!! I really don't feel comfortable cold calling...It's a great learning opportunity for me but I just don't feel ready about it yet...if only I was less anxious.

A friend of mine had suggested that I write about 3 things a day that I'm greatful for and that on its own I don't feel completely comfortable doing, I don't know why but, I feel what I need to do right now is look at what I do have if I start thinking negatively...thinking about things I don't have and characteristics I lack.

Ok so Ya I may not like Mondays and that's ok because it is the beginning of the work week and I'm still working through my anxiety so It is only normal to feel this way but I only work in the morning now and then I have the evening to do whatever I want.

I didn't feel like getting out of bed at all because I get all groggy in the morning but it doesn't last the whole day and I'm really happy that I have a job that gives me enough to afford a life.

I didn't get to do alot of the things that I wanted to do in the morning but, I did get to do some of the most important things.

I found out we had to do cold calling and I really hate cold calling and it isn't suprising as It forces me to face my anxiety head on and it feels really uncomfortable for me but I got to talk to some really good people and I grew and pushed through my wall of limitations even if it was just a little bit and This'll help me become who I want to be even quicker.

I had a hard time with working on my anxiety because I was so focused on the diet aspect...I found the lemonade diet I did which helped flush out my system had got me to a state that nothing else did so it seemed like it was the only way I could get over the anxiety...The truth is that it isn't and in fact there was a time where I felt even better than I did on the lemonade diet and during that time I was soooo bored I went to bed alot earlier for a few weeks, I didn't really have to do anything stressful and I had just ended a very stressful job so I was feeling really relieved....I was eatting somewhat Ok but it was about relieving stress not about my diet. The main problem is that I'm not able to cope with the stress so ultimately it's reducing the stress that's going to help me over come this.


Mike

Thanks for sharing. It's really yucky here in Georgia this morning(cloudy&raining). I felt like just going back to bed after I took my girls to school but i didn't. I did my neg. to pos. writing. It helped alot! I kept telling myself I'm so tired, I'm so sleepy. But then I was like No I'm not doing this. I got out my notebook and started writing every neg. thought that would come. I couldn't think of anything pos. at the time to replace it. So I decided to do some problem solving. That helped alot too!
I know what my Problem is today. I'm giving myself credit for at least knowing what's causing most of the depressed feelings.
I just wanted to tell you that your post helped. It helped me to know That I'm not the only one that wakes up and has a bad morning. I wanted to tell you too... that I still would like to try the journaling thing on here but I guess I feel like I don't know how to go about it. You may not remember me....I don't know?... but I posted on a topic about journals...
Take-care

No, I do remember you saying you wanted to do the journaling...Let me give you some advise...write about something that you have passionate feelings about...what i mean passionate I mean somehting that was very strong. This can be either Negative or Positive as long as it has meaning for you...Maybe some Eureka Moments where things just click. What is it you're focusing on in that day? What's going on in your life?

Why plan what you write in a journal at the beginning? Is it really that important? Try asking questions to yourself to figure out what to write if you get stuck.

Mike

Yo NF, You're a busy dude. Restaurant job over now? Call Centre job speaking to you? Except for cold calling. You probably can reframe your thoughts about cold calling. Realize many books have been written about this most frightening sales presentation: The Cold Call. It's not unheard of to have no enthusiasm for it, but reframing it somehow could make it more of a challenge. Some steel in the constitution doesn't hurt either. Good Luck.

reframing it? Oh you mean building some kind of foundation in the form of cold calling skills?

You know it is really funny as I really wanted to know more about how to do it accurately but not once did I think that maybe there were books about this. This is an awesome idea, thank you very much again for the 2nd time. I think a trip to the Library would be a great idea.


Mike

Thank you Mike...I really appreciate it.

Jan 7th 2009

So Today was a very intresting day. I had bought a necklace for a friend of mine because I was just inspired to do it. I don't know why and I didn't expect anything out of it, I just knew i needed to do it. I did it and she was really excited and it made me feel good too . One of her dreams is to be a well known singer and have grammys and the necklace is like a big O so I told her to let it represent her first platnum record.

Work wise the first 4 hours were horrible and I wasn't getting any recrutes and other people were getting a few it just made me feel like the pressure was on. I felt really stressed and felt like i'd be fired if I didn't start getting people. I just kept hearing that the phone was disconnected or not in service or that it was the wrong number. However I feel that there was a very important lesson in this...I needed to learn how to say no to people and to feel alright to not have to give people their own way. If i'm worrying about having to give people their way all the time it will continue to be very easy to manipulate me and how is that suppose to help my self esteem?

Another work related issue...I was brought into the office again and again I was afraid that I was going to be fired. That wasn't the case this time just as it wasn't last time either. They suggested that I get off track alot on the phone which makes it too long and leaves me less time to get more people into the groups...I realized shortly after that I had overlooked something in the screener which was very significant...Most people I was talking to over the phone were complaining that the screener was taking too long and that was because I was listing off every brand of cereal that we had on the list. We weren't suppose to do that, we were just suppose to ask these people which brands they ate and let them answering instead of giving them the options on the paper. I also realized that I didn't need to go and tell my supervisors that I realized this...in fact it might get me in more trouble.

I did end up getting more people later on and my luck changed. I think i needed to realize those last 2 things i mentioned before my luck changed.

I've focused my Wayne Dyer meditation on Health lately and it's almost as if i'm putting life into a dead rotting corpse...or at least it used to be a rotting corpse but now it's coming back to life. The passion is growing in this wish and I feel more excited about becoming healthier. I will become healthier.

I also felt inspired to work on breathing whenever I started to feel uncomfortable. No expectations on it relieving my anxiety, no expectations on it relieving depression or anything...I just did it when I was feeling bad and it did help...alot more than when I was expecting actually now that I think of it...maybe i'll do it again tomorrow.

Mike

Mike
Even though you are just journaling..its sounds soo put together! You would write a good book
:-)

DMP720

Thank you sooooooo much. I actually plan to write a book sometime...I'm hoping within the next 5 years actually. That just inspires me more

Mike

Jan 8th 2009

Intresting day today, normally I do the wayne dyer chant type meditation and then just a normal guided meditation one after the other...I decided to split them up today and do the normal meditation right when i woke up before even getting out of bed...and then the other one after I did a few things like put together lunch and I ended up feeling more relaxed about it. I also decided to bring a few elements from the relaxation cd from the program which was the breathing technique and the muscle tension and relaxation into the normal guided meditation. It seems to do the same thing that following the relaxation cd on it's own would do. I'm glad because I need variety in my life.

I decided to walk to work today, I miss walking so much and haven't done it as much since i work really early in the morning. I left a bit late but that was alright and I walked part of the way there and took the subway the rest of the way and I felt pretty good that I at least did some walking even if it wasn't all the way.

Another intresting thing I noticed is when I was at work today I was already pretty passionate about getting those recrutes that I needed today and the intresting thing was that I got exactly the ammount they were looking for...6. They were alot easier for me to get today which is a big change from yestaurday morning's bad luck. It makes me think....Is luck really luck or is it the response of the universe to the passion/karma of the person.

I had a great practice opportunity today with one person...The guy's wife was on our database and I guess we haven't called her in awhile. I asked for her and he said well who the hell are you. I thought to myself well that was kinda rude but whatever and then I told him I was Mike from consumer vision and I guess he thought I was a telemarketer or something and was complaining about something and didn't even listen to what I had to say and historically, I would feel that I needed to defend myself and I just believed that however they respond was the right way to respond. That old guy was acting like a 4 year old and frankily that's his own problem.

I'm noticing more and more that a typical response of mine when someone is frustrated or impatient is, I would give myself anxiety to push me to meet their expectations and stress out just to please them. I felt I had to justify everything that the people I work for do and have me do and mroe and more I'm realizing that this is not my responsibility. I am not responsible for how someone else is thinking or feeling...I cannot make them think a certain way and I'm not provoking a certain response. If they're going to be frustrated then frankly that is their own issues and I doubt it even has 30% to do with me so I don't have to put so much stress on me for this...it's not a bad thing, it's just stupid on my part and thats just the path my life has taken me on.

I'm continuing to do the breathing thing whenever I feel uncomfortable and I'm feeling pretty good about it. I'm not really focusing so much on good or bad or expectations. I'm just inspired to do it that's all.

Speaking on inspiration, I'm actually reading a book by Wayne Dyer called Inspiration and it is such a powerful book for me. It has shown me things that throughout my life I've experienced and nobody has ever talked to me about, ever. One of the biggest things I've gotten from the book so far is that in our spirit form or the formlessness good and bad don't exsist. So when people are mean and nasty well it really isn't based on anything real. Our core selves are like the One (whomever you believe to be the higher power).

Ok as I know there may be younger people who visit this site i'm going to be a little careful with my wording in this next part. I'm feeling bad as I believe one of the symptoms of anxiety and depression for me is that my drive for special adult time is little to nil. I think about it and I desire it but when the time comes when I do have it, I get virtually nothing out of it. There is the occasional time but most of the time it is just boring or I get anxiety because I'm not getting anything out of it. It is extremely frustrating for me but it is also another motivator to get me to a healthy state where my life isn't controled by anxiety and depression anymroe.

Mike

This message has been edited. Last edited by: NinjaFrodo,

Jan 11 2009 (The Realization)

So Yestaurday I woke up feeling just plain aweful..I had done Karaoke last night with a few friends along with some drinking games...I lost the drinking game which usually happens regardless of what game it is. I ended up getting a hangover from that and I spent alot of time napping and I watched a few episodes of Xena. One thing that caught my attention is when Gabriel was telling someone that Xena does the things that she feels is the right thing even if it hurts her. Why that caught my attention I really didn't know at the time. I figured out why later though.

I went out to a friend's birthday party and there were many people there that I didn't know and so I was feeling a little nervous and there were 2 girls sitting by themselves just talking to each other...I got such a bad vibe from them and so I didn't spend too much time with them. I later noticed that they would point to people or look directly at people (myself included) and then whisper to themselves about that person. It's extremely rude but hey, that kind of behavior takes away from their reputation and can hurt them more than the person they're judging. That's too bad because they isolated themselves away from everybody else and we could have had even more fun if they joined us in the party games we were playing.

Later on, somehow I got into a conversation with a friend of my friend who I met at the New Years Eve party and we ended up talking about my family and she was very inqusitive about my relationship with my family. I let her know that I hadn't spoken with them for 5 years and she asked what happened and I let her know that I was taken advantage of by a family member and that nobody believed me. I have no idea how we got into the subject of this person's funeral but she suggested that I tell everybody what happened at the funeral and to do it for myself. I was against the idea but after everybody went to bed the situation just kept going on and on in my head. I have to do it...but not for myself. I just know that I have to do it for all the other people who went through the same thing as I did...I need to end that cycle as we all know that history can repeat itself. The suffering of one person does spread to other people and it isn't uncommon to adapt the same habits as the ones that hurt us if we don't face them. I also feel very very strongly that I need to do it for the person who did these bad things to me. I don't have any proof of anything after lifish but I feel so strongly that I would put my life on the line to say that the guilt of the person's actions will keep them stuck between this world and the afterlife If I don't say it. I most likely will get very emotional up there infront of everybody and it will probabbly hurt many many people and I'm sure many people won't believe what I have to say. It could lead to losing more people but I have to do this...even if it was the last thing I did. I would still do it! Besides the strong feelings that I feel about this right now, there is a commercial that keeps coming on tv about child abuse where this kid is testifying against his father in the court room and I've never seen this commerical until today. I also have a really strong feeling that He will pass away in the next 2-5 years.

I feel like there is going to be alot more stress in my life and If I'm going to face these things, I'm going to have to spend alot more time sleeping for the next little while. It's about time I start to get myself to a state where I can face my responsibilities more head on.


Mike

Jan 12 2009 (What?!?)

What the heck was I thinking?!? I can't get up to a funeral stand and tell everybody that was sexually abused. Omg, that isn't going to be productive at all and won't give me the results I'd be searching for...I can't believe I convinced myself that this was a good idea based on someone else's suggestion. People would be hurting and how is more hurting going to help? I convinced myself that it was such a good idea that I made it sound like the best thing in my mind and I actually feel so stupid for saying that i'd bet my life on my feeling. It gave me alot of anxiety just thinking about it and made me feel more depressed and I'm actually feeling more stressful, spacy, irritable and tired. I can't do that and I can't think like this anymore. If I'm going to use my painful experience to help others then I can do this through writing a book when I feel ready to do it.

I've decided that I need to actually listen to my body now. When it says it needs rest then I'm going to rest when I can. I've been ignoring it to spend time helping people online or just wasting away infront of the tv or computer. There has been 1 set of thoughts that has been on my mind with most of my anxiety attacks...I need to rest more, I'm not taking time to myself, I need to rest, I need to relax. So I think along with getting myself to sleep early, I'm going to lie down whenever I get too overwhelmed. I can listen to music, sing something and just let myself feel comfortable. I deserve to feel comfortable, relaxed and peaceful.


Mike

Jan 30th, 2009 (Fired!!!)

Well I just got fired today. I've been extra stressed at the call centre job since I started and I ended up having to take more sick days then I usually have to. I called in today to tell them that I wasn't coming in because I was sick. I had to take wednesday off, I attempted to work yestaurday (thursday) but had to go home after an hour and a half and then I called in sick today. They called me back about 45 minutes after the shift started and told me that It was too much of an occurance and that I hadn't completed my 3 month probation period so they were letting me go. In fact, she even threw in my face that they didn't even need to give me a reason as to why they were firing me. Gee I'm so appreciative that they let me know....

I took that job so I could improve my social skills and I forced myself to do this in a job that went completely against who I am as a person.

Lesson 1- I cannot fully grow if I force myself into a position where I have to work on my limitations regardless of if I feel I can face them that day or not.

Lesson 2- I need to respect my own needs of who I am and the limitations I have when it comes to getting a job. Getting a job which violates my beliefs (if my beliefs are reasonable), isn't going to make me grow and it isn't going to contribute to my goals...it's going to have a reverse effect.

My perception on jobs is diffrent now...even though I struggled soooooooo much with this latest job I did it for the most part and It was one of the most stressful jobs I've done...I still did it. If I can do a very stressful job like that, I can do a job that is less stressful which is alot of the other jobs out there.

I also realized that I was able to be social with alot of these people that I got to talk to over the phone. These people communicated with me very well, they told me that they appreciated talking to me, they got to laugh, they've made me laugh and I found that I already have it in me to be good at socializing and communicating. This is some great hope. I may have to struggle with words sometimes and my cognitive functioning might be a little slow at the moment...But I can still do it and as I start to feel better and better, this will improve more and more.

Above all, I'm so extremely relieved to not be doing something that I absolutely hated. Now, I just need to get over feeling sick, figure out my expenses, make a plan of action to find another job and just go for it.


Mike