I have been doing so well, i had a hard time for a few weeks after sept. 11, as we all did, but I've been off Paxil for a few months and doing well. The last week or 2 I've started into a challenging "cycle" again. I say challenging because i don't want to call it bad, even though it feels like it. My external stresses are just a lot of busyness, high expectations, too much sugar, not enough rest. i have been excercising daily and I'm glad about that. The hard thing, the place i need to be different is in how i tend to scare myself with the body symptoms. i want to see them as a warning sign, not a big problem. I guess I don't like to admit that i have to take good care of myself for the long-term. When i start feeling good i think i can handle taking on so much, which is a big part of what got me into this in the first place! It's like I beat myself up and punish myself for feeling some anxiety, which makes it worse. I'm trying to not internalize it, but it's hard. I look ahead to Christmas and my sister's wedding in a few weeks and I worry that i won't be "doing well". I have come so very far in the past year and I have all the skills, but I'm upset by the symptoms and the thoughts that I'm having. I think the areas i need to grow in are admitting when i need to slow down, giving myself permission to feel anxious at times, and not always measuring how well I'm doing. I just wanted to share.

Hi Mint,
Have you been reading my mind? I am going through the exact same thing as you. These "growth spurts" are a killer. For me it seems to start during period week, and last for days after. I listened to the growth spurt tape again and a light bulb went off. We are allowed to have bad days, every one has them. But to us, it is a depressing catastrophe...I, like you, want to have this thing go away and never come back! But on the tape they tell us that we might have to deal with this forever, but we will never go back to where we were before because we have learned too much...and it finally clicked and I believe it to be true. So this week when I have been feeling like this, I have been more kind and compassionate to my self...and that little voice inside my head has been reminding me that I know how to deal with these symptoms and to keep going. I does get so discouraging, doesn't it? But I guess we have to keep fighting it and recognize it and not let it win! Keep the faith...I feel what you're feeling! Judy

Hi Mintflower!

First of all a heartfelt congratulations on getting of of the Paxil!

Sounds to me like you have answered your own concerns very well! I think we all wish we didn't have to continue to keep practicing these skills long term.

I believe that Lucinda says that these aren't just for A&D but, they are coping skills for life!!!

Somthing else that I remind myself,is that I didn't develop this in 15 weeks. I've had it for 44 years! It's going to take awhile to break this bad habit.

Be patient. You're doing good!!! One step forward,two steps back!
Diane



[This message has been edited by dl (edited 12-12-2001).]

Hi Mint Flower,
I've found I grow as much from dropping a ball as I do from picking it up and running with it.

As I�ve learned through the Program, so what if you're feeling all that! You know what it is. You know you�re not dealing with any of it from the same starting point you were at a year ago. You know you�ll learn something of value from this that will make your tomorrows better, better and better.

Anticipating the holidays and your sister�s wedding as tests for how well you�re doing seems like fuel for anxiety-panic-depression. These upcoming activities are simply opportunities for the practice of behaviors. You have much control over how that practice flows, as well as how you flow and react with it. I�d consider it most helpful to completely redo lesson four on �Expectations.�

It does seem nobody today clearly presents the true intent of �behavior modification.� I�ve come to understand the behaviors we practice are modified with different behaviors introduced in the Program that are intended for a lifetime.

The Program became more effective for me the more I experienced how it is not a �cure� that is taken; it is a �cure� that is achieved through practice. Without continually practicing what the program introduces I�d never have remained freer of anxiety-panic-depression. Amazing things happen with this practice!

One key point in lesson fifteen states, �This is where true recovery lies: Learning to be compassionate with your self. Learning to give yourself permission to feel anxious sometimes and not let it scare you.� I�d encourage you to continue considering this too is another wonderful opportunity to better learn how valuable it is to practice letting in your own patience, compassion, love and acceptance for your self no matter where you may find your self in the journey.



[This message has been edited by Dolphin (edited 12-12-2001).]

Thanks, you guys. I am reminding myself that practice is a good thing this isn't a pass or fail test. I realized that part of why I push myself so hard , I think , is that after being fairly agoraphobic, I am trying to prove to myself that I'm ok, I'm over it, I can do stuff. the problem is that I do too much at once and get overwhelmed. i want to learn to say no and rest and stay home because i want to and because I'm taking care of myself and i believe that it's not out of fear or avoidance anymore. And to be thankful for the warning symptoms, not scared of them. I think for a while it was such a thrill to be able to go out and shop, etc. again, that i forgot that that kind of stuff can be tiring and stressful for anyone, esp at this time of the year and taking 3 young children along!! I will try to give myself a break, not sabotage myself. If i am learning, this is good , right. My friend says you go around the mountain until you can go over it.