Hey there, I am going through my fist growth spirt and it has been rough!!! I was hoping someone out there could write and maybe relate or at least try to relate. I have been out of the program for about 7 months. I have been medication free for about 3 months and have been going through my life using my skills and doing very well. Except that I still have to work really really hard at the self esteem part of the program which is actually the core of everything healthy self esteem. Well I have had 3 kids and my stomach is not so hot and I am extremely cute but probably would benefit from a tummy tuck. Hey I've had 3 kids! Anyway it's always been a sore point. I got my belly button pierced about 3 months ago. I couldn't show it off like everybody else does because my stomach has stretch marks and isn't flat but I still got it because I wanted it! Then I decided to get a little moon tattoo around it and I HATE IT!!!! I've be obsessing about it and having anxiety over it. This has been my first real growth spirt. I haven't had a panic attack but at times nearly freaked out from the thought of that tattoo being there forever!!! I tried to stay calm find a solution but I don't want to pile on another awful looking tattoo to try and change it and I can't really afford to remove it because that costs alot. I made a mistake and I realize it but now I have to forgive myself and go on and jump out of that circle. I am trying to but it is just so hard. A few times I even thought I just need to go on my medication again. But I've done wonderfully without it! It is just this depressive setback and my own low self esteem any advice would be helpful and really really really appreciated......... Thanks guys!!!!

Mary

[This message has been edited by jmjvsjones (edited 03-09-2002).]

Howdy, oh boy, can I relate to this! When I was 18 I ran out and got a tatoo which I loved so much I decided another one so I got a Celtic knot (the first one was a Chinese character). Anyway, I was suffering with terrible OCD at that time and I actually convinced myself that my Celtic knot looked like a swastika and I thought, OH MY GOD! (Of course it did not look like a swastika it was just me overanalyzing it) Of course, I was terrified that people might think it was a swastika or that maybe it was a swastika and now I had this evil symbol tatooed on me. Then I thought maybe this is God's punishing me for getting a tattoo because my mother told me never to ge one. Anyway, all these horrible ridiculous thoughts that make me laugh now. But anyway, I was so distraught at it that I looked into having it removed but it was too expensive so I burned half of it off with a cigarette! I actually burned myself with a cigarette to get rid of the tattoo! (Don't let this scare you. I was in total control of my thoughts at the time and did not lose control and burn myself. I made a conscious decision to burn it to relieve my anxiety but I was in no way insane at the time). But it was a big tattoo and I only got about 1/3 of it off before I gave up. Now I have 1 full tattoo and 1 tattoo with a huge scar right in the middle. For a long time, the scarred tattoo made me feel very self conscious (even though it's on my back under my clothes but when I was with men and they'd see my back I'd get embarrassed and started telling people I burnt it working in a restaurant when someone spilled hot grease on my back or something! Hilarious now, don't you think) BUT enough rambling!

Here is the point. It's been about 9 years since I got my tats and I still have the half scarred Celtic knot and I don't worry about it anymore. It doesn't bother me that I don't like it and if people ask me why it's scarred I tell them I burnt it with a cigarette, no big deal to me anymore. Eventually, when I have the money I will either get it removed or fixed but I don't worry about it, the concern you feel will fade. You made a decision, you're anxious about it, but you'll get over it. No big! And if you decide to get rid of it or change it you can when you have the money. It's a temporary anxiety, sort of like buyer's remorse and you'll get over it, I promise.

But whatever you do, I would not recommend burning it off with a cigarette! That really hurts! Ha ha. lol

nikki