Hi folks.

As someone who recently moved away from New York, and who has family and friends involved in this terrorist nightmare, I thought I might share a few reactions that pertain specifically to how I, am keeping a great deal of understandable stress, from becoming unproductive anxiety.

1) No TV hovering. This one, is important. Staying glued to the media watching horror scenes played over and over will do /nothing/ to help the victims. All it does is feed our own fears and release rush after rush of adrenalin. You're not even going to miss some all important detail. Every inch of footage will be shown till we all have it memorized. There will be other, stronger times to see them.

2) Positive affirmations: Take a moment to breath quietly, calmly, and remind yourself - I am fine. My family is fine. We are here and unhurt. (If you have friends or relatives involved, affirmations on your own strength and ability to handle whatever is ahead, might be helpful). Draw boundaries between yourself and full empathy with those who have been hurt and killed. I don't mean that one should not be touched by what has happened, but that the temptation to try and put ourselves there, imagine ourselves within the devastation, is unnecessary, counterproductive, and does not help those truly harmed.

3) Act. Choose a real, actual means of expressing support for those who need it. Donate to the Red Cross, even if it is only three dollars. Attend or hold a memorial service. I put a candle out on my front porch this evening. As a symbol of my feelings it deepened both my sadness and my calm. Tomorrow, I will be joining a group of neighbors in making sure those in our neighborhood who are Americans of Arab descent are not blamed or excluded from our community because of actions over which they have no control. You do not need to be in New York, to make a difference.

4) This one is a little trickier; perhaps some of you will relate. Don't allow yourself to become attached to this event as a useful obsessive thought. It has such power already, that it is easy to let it grab a hold of reality and exclude all else, and as such, is... addictive, especially if you're a TV watcher. Take a hard, honest look at yourself. Are you talking on the phone with person after person, posting to the board, because you genuinely are deeply affected and involved in the tragedy, or is it more self-serving, secondary gains galore from making it a focal point of your day? Midway through the evening I realized to my dismay that I was reacting to the events /exactly/ as I do to my favorite obsessive thoughts. And was even subconsiously beginning to figure out ways to have these events let me avoid a challenging speaking engagement I have coming up, a certification test, all sorts of things. But this belittles the very real human tragedy that has occured.

5) Surround yourself /only/ with positive people. Mourn and grieve, with those friends who have served as examples of positive conduct, not the energy vampires. People who are reacting in healthy, constructive ways and who can encourage you to do the same.

Hmm. This has gotten a bit long, and I haven't said all /that/ much of anything useful. But I'm going to hit 'send' anyway. So there. And, I'd like and appreciate very much, hearing other people's experiences and triumphs in this mother of all practice opportunities.

WayStone

Waystone - Like so many of us, I cannot sleep this night. Thank you for your thoughtful words of wisdom - we need them. I'm so glad you hit the "send" button.

Hug,
Calico

Wow..thanks I really needed that post. You spoke the truth so beautifully. i have to go now, and hug my family!!

THank you Way,
Those things you posted were helpful. I did watch too much tv yesterday. Had a stomach ache all day. It really does hurt watching such a tragedy unfold. My family and I prayed numerous times. A neighbor had a prayer meeting in her front yard that many of us went to.

I took my kids on a bike ride. I had to burn that adrenaline somehow and I was truly grateful to have my family intact.

I did try not to put myself in their shoes. That is hard because its like we want to feel their pain. I think it is ok to not have that pain but to be active in doing something constructive. I remind myself that this is not my time to grieve like so many of those families and friends of those that are lost. I do allow some grief and sorrow over all this. As I'm sure the whole nation is grieving. I'm just not diving in head first.

I continue to pray for all those involved in this tragedy and for those who are still alive in the aftermath. May God bless America.

You are so right, WayStone.

This week is my boyfriend's vacation. He could not take his eyes off the news. And is very upset, frustrated and full of anger. I am going to show him what you posted. Thanks.

drop

WayStone - Thanks so much for you insight on how to handle the devastating tragedy in the U.S. this week. I knew I needed to gain some perspective on what happened, and your posting helped me to do that. I realize I was putting myself in their shoes and need to set better boundaries. It has helped me to remind myself of reality at this very moment - that I and my family and friends are o.k. and I can be grateful for that. I have also become aware that I'm doing a lot of "what if" thinking and moving too far into the future, so the slogans "One Day At a Time" and "Easy Does It" have helped pull me back. Talking with positive people who are moving on with their lives as planned has helped me as well. Thanks - your response is an answer to prayer.

How do you get over needing a distraction? Whether it's compulsions or TV or obsessive thoughts, how do you ever get to a point where you're okay just BEING?

DTC, thank you for phrasing my question I've been wondering that myself

ames

I don't know how I missed this posting Waystone but what a powerful one it is. Thank you so much for a powerful reminder on secondary gains.

quote:

Originally posted by DTC:
How do you get over needing a distraction? Whether it's compulsions or TV or obsessive thoughts, how do you ever get to a point where you're okay just BEING?

DTC,

I think the key factor in getting over needing a distraction, is realizing that you /don't/ need it. You only think you do.

I know this sounds simplistic, especially when one is early in the program, but think about it for a moment. You are your own ultimate boss. You, have the authority to give yourself permission, to do pretty much anything you darn well please. If you don't want to worry about something right now, you don't /have/ to. You can simply choose not to, without guilt, and without excuses. Obsessive thoughts are just that - excuses not to think about something.

My favorite method of dealing with obsessive thoughts or counterproductive activities these days, is something like this:

Step 1) Notice the behavior/thought.
Step 2) Ask: What am I trying to accomplish? Why am I choosing that thought/behavior? How do I want it to make me feel, secondary-gains wise?
Step 3) Recognize that I can have the secondary gain /without/ bothering with the obsessive thought in the middle.
Step 4) Stop the thought and give myself the gain.

For example:

1) Notice - I'm scared I'll be penniless one day. This is an obsessive thought for me.
2) Ask - Why? Well, I have a test next week I don't want to think about.
3) Recognize - I don't have to think about the test if I don't want to. And, I don't need to give myself some silly excuse about it, either.
4) Stop and provide - OK, break from this whole test thing till tomorrow morning. Now, what was that video I've been meaning to rent?

When I'm at this point with a thought, I don't bother to wonder if I shouldn't just be 'feeling the fear and doing it anyway', studying despite my worry. That comes a little later for me, surprisingly easily and naturally once I truly know that I trust myself, take care of myself, and /will/ give myself the time away from such situations that I need, without resorting to tricking myself into providing it.

WayStone