I just thought i would get some insite from anyone else re: blame.I know in the program Lucinda says to not blame others for your anxiety. You are responcipal for you. I kinda agree and don't. I have and have had a very difficult relationship with my family. I have harbored a lot of resentment over the years and I think that my anxiety is now at it's height because I am avoiding these feelings that trigger negative thinking! I have been reading the book "Your Best Life Now". In it he talks about cutting the rose back won't solve your emotional turmoil that causes us to fester within. He talks about getting to the BITTER root and digging it up. Once your able to get that root out of there, you will no longer need to keep pruning the bad flowers so to speak. That is where I am confused. I cannot forgive these problems because They continue daily. I feel that I am trying to get healthy but my family remains stagnent. Avoiding the family is not a option. Confronting them makes me out to be the bad guy or in their eyes judgemental. It's bad! It seems to be a no win situation. I feel that in order to move forward with my recovery I must dig out those roots and move on. That would intail conforting my mother. Am I right in doing so? Should I forgive and swallow that resentment and keep it to myself? Won't this continue to cause future resentment? This isn't one of those woe is me situations! People on the out side looking in see the dysfuction and realize why I feel so angry. How do I move on from here? Do I go all out and confront this issues and feel the guilt afterwards? Will I feel better is the question. I am afraid that I might find myself worse off having done so, yet I know where I am at right now...well it's hell! Thanks for any help

I recently had that same scenario. I realize I can only get out of a relationship what others choose to give me. If its bad or evil cut it off. If its OK then let it in a little. If its great hold on to it and enjoy it for as long as you can.

That's a tough one... dredge up the past or let it lie and move on... and I suppose the answer depends on the circumstances. For me, it helped immensely to IDENTIFY factors (the bitter root) in my childhood/adolescence that explain how I got where I am, but I have not had any need to CONFRONT anyone about them. For example, my parents were emotionally unavailable during my adolescence due to alcohol; therefore, I lacked the support and guidance I needed to make good decisions regarding my future and I made some really bad choices. Rather than blame them, however, I accept that I am an adult and I am responsible for my own life now. Sure, it would have been nice if they could have helped me avoid some of those mistakes, but I can't change the past. However, I AM in control of my present and future. For me, telling them how they failed me when I was a teenager would serve no useful purpose. They're only human... they have weaknesses and make mistakes just like everyone else. Knowing this, I have been able to forgive them in my heart and move on. Today, we have a great relationship. They still drink too much sometimes and I still don't like it (and they know this), but I respect that it's their choice. I can't force them to quit if they don't want to, so I can either accept it or stay away.

What it comes down to is this: We can't control other people's actions or feelings, but we CAN control our own. In that respect, we are responsible for ourselves.

Anyway, that's my experience, but obviously you have to do what is right for you. If you feel you need to air things out with your mother before you can forgive her, maybe that's what you should do. But I would suggest seeking some counseling first. It's possible that in talking to someone else about your issues, you will be able to forgive her without confronting her. In any case, a certified counselor will be able to give you professional advice and help you make the best decision.

Best of luck!

Jen

Chad,
I Beleive we all make choices!! im not a big fan of confrontation, however i am very much trying to make a mends with someone as long as there are no,,,"You made me feel this way or that", i hope y ou are understanding what im saying. Parenting doesnt come with a handbook, and all parents aren't great at it. If you think it will make a difference in your relationship with your mom (good one) then letting her know how your life has been affected would be good. If, however it would make no difference between to the of you and make things even worse, I wouldnt attempt it. Sometimes our inner child wants to lash out at someone, be it parent, or friend or whoever it was that made us hurt. But, then you carry around the fact that once you have gotten it out, you still feel no better. You may never be able to have a loving, close relationship with your mother, that happens to lots of folks. My suggestion would be to sit down and wrtie your mother a letter, get it all out on paper, i mean everything. Then reread it,, put it in an envelope , forgive her, and then burn the letter. IT actually has a cleansing nature to it. Forgiveness helps destroy the bitter root which has been implanted in your heart, and you mind. Your mother may never change chad, but YOU can Chose to. take care Nelly

Chad,

I can relate a lot to what you are saying. I recently figured out through the coaching program, that I can retrain people to treat me the way I would like to be treated. Its pretty stressful, at least right now, and I've just gotten started with it. Maybe over time it gets easier. It beats feeling like you either have to just 'take it', or just avoid it. If I take it, I feel walked on, and if I avoid it, I feel like I'm rejecting my family. I'm trying to tell them that I'm not rejecting them, just some of the things that they do to me.

Forgiveness is one of the keys to getting over hurts, I agree. However, what if you are dealing with an angry person on a daily basis who enjoys taking out that anger on you and others this person encounters? Or perhaps this person has a dysfuntional way of dealing with you personally. One which is offensive. Just dodging the ball, forgiving, and letting it go time after time isn't as effective, in my opinion. If this is the situation, sometimes it is necessary to deal with the current situation and sometimes that may involve confrontation. You should not expect any changes in the other person as a result, however. All you are doing is standing up for yourself because no one deserves to be treated unjustly.

quote:

Confronting them makes me out to be the bad guy or in their eyes judgemental. It's bad! It seems to be a no win situation.

They could just be manipulating you and thinking you will just fall in line with their opinion, that you are the bad guy. Why would you expect them to agree with you? Is that the purpose for which you confront? I don't think so. That would be wonderful if they did agree with you, but it has been my experience that they usually don't. My only purpose in confronting is to stand up for myself in an assertive, controlled manner because someone is treating me unjustly.