Hey guys,

need some venting and encouragement. I feel like I've been dragged by a scared horse and I have pebbles stuck in my teeth.

Went to visit my parents overnight. Where to start? I avoid my mom because she wants me to do things for her all the time. You do one thing, and she just has a laundry list of more stuff. And the guilt.

My dad is obsessed with alternative medicines, and brings it up all the time whether I want it or not. Yesterday he says "I hate to keep bringing it up but putting colloidal silver on your acne will make it go away." I blinked repeatedly at him until he shut up and went away. Nothing like feeling like a walking pimple to make you feel good about yourself.

My sister came to visit, and followed me around talking. I used to call her all the time and run up my phone bill, but she almost never called me. So I asked her why she never called me, and she said "what would we talk about?" So I stopped calling her, and we haven't really talked for several months. Now I don't want to talk to her. Plus her daughter (my neice) has a new baby boy that is about to turn one. She is going to have a party for him. She doesn't contact me unless its for a thankyou card for a gift. (wedding shower, baby shower...)And now first birthday. I'm not getting a gift. I'll send a card. But I don't think her one year old will be offended.

I hate feeling angry and victimized like this. I've cut back visiting a lot at my parents. Thing is it used to be fun. And now its not anymore. Things have changed. My parents are so clingy and lonely now. And so much has changed with everyone else too. Its like our relationships have become so rigid that there is no room to breathe, or make one false move. Even the conversations are the same script over and over for some family members. Its kind of like scratching a bug bite over and over. Never mind if you're making a sore. Everytime I talk to almost every one of my family members, the same irritating, painful, or angry response comes up because the behavior is almost exactly the same each time. Dad isn't going to quit telling me to do something about my acne even though I hate it. My sister is not going to be honest with me even if I want her to. My mom is not going to appreciate what I do for her, because she's trying to live through me. And it will never be enough. My neice is not going to return my letters or phone messages even if I wish she would and have said so.

There is no honest conversation. Just years and years of resentment and unspoken words. And the older I get, the more I realize that they all abandoned me in my greatest time of need a while back. And they would do it again because even small things have become secrets, much less big things. They sweep everything under the rug. There is no changing that. I don't even think they understand what they're doing. They don't know who I am. They know what they want to know. and see what they want to see. But they keep their blinders on to all that unpleasant stuff they don't want to see. Its like watching a bunch of sleep walkers.

I could go on and on.

Thanks for reading,

Deb

As much as I try to be honest, there is an equal and opposite response. They don't want to change. In order for them to stay the same in their rigid system, they need me to stay the same. And I'm not. I feel like a person without a family. I don't belong there, yet I sort of do. I'm a dysfunctional family orphan.

Hey Deb,

I can understand your pain. I have different situations, but my story sounds very Jerry Springer and embarrasing. To make a long story short. When my brother was 18 he got his girlfriend PG. Her mom basically disowned her, so what did I do ? Took her under my wing of course. So she lived with me and my husband. Several mons went by and my husband decided that he didnt want to be married anymore. So I told him to leave. A few days went by and I began to hear rumors about him & my brothers girlfriend. They were having an affair. She was 18 and he was 30. She denied it he denied it. But they were caught in public several times. My brother chose to stay with her, and still is. So let me tell ya holidays are strange we have to visit my parents in shifts so we dont see each other because she makes me angry. I get angry at my parents for allowing her to come in the house. I get mad at my brother for staying with her. Recently I was watching a home video of the kids and there they were together kissing. My anger just deepened and how dare she do this after I took her in when her own family threw her out and backstab me the way she Together they broke up a family and caused a lifetime of heart ache. My mom tells me to forgive but its hard but it also holds my heart hostage, and I cant let it anymore I wanna be free. Don't you? And we can. We have to find inspiration and courage. We cant change our family, our past, cant prdict the future but we control the now the present here and now, and we need to live for ourselves, and LOVE ourselves, and the people around us cant take away the "US" in us.

Hi there,

I'm sorry about your family drama. It can be such a pain and sometimes a heartache.

I guess after my rant, I realized (probably the hundredth time I've needed reminding) that I can't change anyone but myself.

My own negative thinking is actually making the situation worse. Since they aren't able/willing to change, all my anger and resentment does is frustrate them, and leads them into worse versions of some of their worse behaviors.

So I'm making it a priority to have a strategy.

Forgive the past, and if the same behaviors are repeated and I feel like a victim, then I confront. I won't sit there feeling helpless.

I'll avoid the ones in my family that don't want to make amends and are really negative and crabby.

I'll set limits on my time, and try to spend time with negative family members during their 'up' times, when they really enjoy talking about a certain subject etc.

Then I'm going to actively try to cut down on the negative thinking. Because what really gets me in trouble is all the stewing I do, and the crabbiness and resentment I carry home. Also a sense of being martyred. I feel like I'm sacrificing when I go there.

Its going to take some work, but hey, they're my family and I'm not going anywhere. So something has to change and it aint them so its gotta be me.

Best wishes with your family,

deb

Hey Deb,

Sorry I havented written sooner, been busy. I just wanted to say I'm proud of you. You know you cant change other people but you can change you. You have to live with you and your thoughts, and make them happy ones. Ive relized something by watching my family (parents). They are depressed making excusses for their non-sucess. When they can turn around and still make sucess. So I try to just ignore the negative and replace with positive its a challenge but its worth it.

Steph