I have been working in a new job for about 3 months and I am trying hard to keep from falling back into old habits relating to job stress and co-workers. My job has numerous built-in deadlines that can drive the best of us bonkers if we let them. Lately many of my co-workers have been terribly stressed out and often come into my office to vent. I don't mind the venting but I am finding that it is beginning to stress me out. I don't want to get caught up in the negative cycle -- I've been there, done that! Although I feel great about my recovery so far, I can still catch myself falling into negative thought patterns that match those of my co-workers.

I'm still working on being assertive and I have a feeling this is going to be a practice opportunity. I need to keep the peace in my tiny little space and I'm not sure the best way to approach this. I was a doormat for so long, I don't have a lot of experience in this area. I keep vacillating between trying to contribute positive comments to the conversation in hopes of breaking the cycle or saying something that will establish some sort of boundary regarding how my "space" is used. Any comments would be greatly appreciated.

There is at least one person in every office that is very contained, level headed and above all: positive. Everyone likes the person and respects him or her as a professional, but it is known what lines can and cannot be crossed. This is the person you may go to for advice, but one with which you would never go to vent. What is the persona that keeps the respect and likeability intact but repels the daily habit of venting?

They are the ones with whom you have never heard vent (even if it's about something worthy like having to work late every night for a month.) I know that sounds obvious, but that�s the basic idea.

If you don�t vent to others, chances are they won�t vent to you.

Once you open up that can of worms (sorry for the clich�,) it takes a long time to restore the relationship on more positive terms.

I have recently reestablished my role in the workplace on the advice of a friend. I�ve found that if I continue to nod my head and not add any unnecessary comments, most of my former venting buddies have stopped coming to me to commiserate. On the other hand, I make it a point to continue the relationship on every other aspect. Questions about work, personal life (if you feel so inclined) and just everyday water cooler chatter should not disappear. As Dena said in another post tonight, human interaction is so very important.

When all else fails, I too, use the phone or computer trick. I let them know with my body language to �make it quick, because I really need to get back to what I am doing.�

Of course there are the few moments when you just have to vent � it�s only natural. I try to pick and choose my moments very carefully. And when I am ready to reveal a secret, I don�t go to the town gossip � I go to a more reserved type who won�t go telling the world. In other words, don�t pick the most negative one in town; try to pick someone who will maintain the relationship you have established and possibly turn the vent session into something positive.

I�m not sure if this helps you at all, but it has definitely gotten me to a more positive place at work. Not to say that I am totally there yet, but I am working very hard at maintaining my positive attitude.

Hope this helps and let me know if you have any other suggestions.

Thanks Dena and timemave. I really appreciate the suggestions. Headphones are a definite possibility -- I've seen several people at work with their headphones on. I also like the insights you give, timemave, regarding the office "positive" person. That is exactly what I am hoping to achieve. I guess it all goes back, AGAIN, to how we respond to others and deal with certain situations. I know that I must take care of myself. I started my job being very positive and upbeat. The past week or so, though, I've noticed the negatives coming back around and I think it has been because of the "venters" coming in to my office and spreading their negativity over even the smallest inconvenience. I have gotten caught up in the "venting" cycle and it is nice to know that someone else has re-established their position to move away from that. Thanks for the advice.

I love this topic! I used to work in a four person office. The stress level kept mounting and mounting and was not going to get any better.

For several years, three of us would gripe all day long and get each other all caught up in this negative stuff - I know now that we really enjoyed stirring this up in some way, probably making things out to be much worse than they really were. As if we weren't each negative enough on our own, we began to pick up each other's negative thoughts. In the process, we were helping to create each other's anxiety. This became an expected ritual. It didn't solve anything - only made us feel worse.

Well, the fourth person would not get involved at all even though she heard us complaining all of the time and was feeling the exact same stresses. I think she just blocked a lot of it out even though she was sitting right there. She would always remain unaffected.

Headphones were not an option and we were all in the same small office - no place to go - always hearing each other's conversations and hearing each other's work and personal frustrations - no privacy whatsoever.

Sometimes this person would quickly agree with something we said and then she would follow up with a really positive statement like...I had a job that was way worse than this, I will only be here a few more years anyway, the people here are so nice, the boss is so reasonable, tomorrow I am going to bring in something nice to go with coffee, there's a three day weekend coming up...etc. She would follow this by changing the subject to something really pleasant. It became clear that she was not going to participate even though she had many of the same feelings.

We did not feel betrayed, instead we had so much respect that she was able to remain so calm and go about her business. As time went on, (yeah, it took us a while to get it) we started to follow her example and the day was so much more pleasant without the griping. She taught us a great lesson.

Don't get me wrong, I think it is necessary to vent productively at times and to get other people's thoughts and ideas on how to improve situations, but beyond that - it can be just plain destructive.

I remember attending a seminar once where this subject was discussed. The speaker said that she used to tell her griping employees that it is their choice to be there. If the job makes them so unhappy and they are unable to change things to make it better, then perhaps they need to decide if this is the place/job they want to be in.
A bit strong - but I bet it did the trick!

Good Luck! Sue

Dena, I know what you mean about getting caught up in the "trash." I had a very interesting day today. I tried very hard to stay focused and positive. In doing that, I really became aware of the negativity around me. I really was very busy today so I found that being busy can help deflect some of the "venters." I just didn't bite on the negative comments thrown at me. Standing back and playing the part of observer was very interesting. So much time is wasted on little things. I know they can be irritants but the dwelling on them only makes it worse. I have to admit, though, that I only had a short day of it. I ended up working at home for the afternoon and didn't have to listen to much of it today. I will try hard for the remainder of the week to be the positive one in my office. I can't wait to see what happens.

I was just thinking...
Is it possible that joining the venter is sort of the adult version of peer pressure? It is so easy to quickly make a "friend" at a new job/area if we join in the negative cycle. In a sense, it's like taking the easy way out and "becoming popular" fast.
Just a thought.

I think you may be right, timemave. It makes you feel as if you fit in. Being positive almost seems to feel disconnected when everyone else around you is stressed about something. If the venting is non-productive, though, it just gets you caught up in a process that breeds more negativity and wasted energy. Good point.

Wow
Great advice from everyone!!

I started to stay away from negative people and employed some of the strategies(as I like to call it, ie let's throw in some powerful words here) mentioned by all of you. I did it because I felt drained after listening to negative people. In fact I started feeling worse!! My obsessive thoughts started and I thought, ok time out. this isn't working.

Occasionally it is nice to gossip but at the end of the day I do feel a bit anxious of what I heard! So i gave that up too.

I decided to learn things about my work instead of engaging in gossip. If I had some free time after work before going home, I would actually read some technical stuff related to my job. How peaceful it is to gain new knowledge and strengthen our knowledge base. I may seem a loner sometimes but I like it. Any other ideas?

DEAR EVERYONE ABOVE: Wow...what a topic. Ya know... Ihave had to leave jobs because it got so negative.. nothing would change.. and I always knew I had to change ME - why did I have to leave... I always knew it was within the change had to come and now I am making the changes - the negativity used to just depress and discourage me. same old story. But now I am learning to be "an observer, use body language to fend off the worst negative people... and under-react to it all." The more I under-react like was said above, the odd Nod of the head and keep doing your thing... ya really only have to tell people or let on what your doing ONCE, and people catch on "oh, this isn't her game...." and then they usually know they are being a nag, (don't we all deep down??) and they back off. And it's good to be with them on every other level - ya don't want to isolate people or make them feel inferior - we are all in the same boat - just different levels - some are more down, (hey - we've been there) so we can help others by example and this is such a positive thing. Who of us here doesn't admire that professional person who doesn't let it get to them. We can rise above it! So anyways... that's my 2-cents.
This is quite a topic.
Sincerely
Been-there-20-years-in-the-office...