I think your wife is being selfish. I know abuse has an effect on people long after its ended. I don't know both sides of this story, but it sure sounds like you're miserable. If she's unwilling to come to the table and even try to help you, you need to give her a consequence that will make her take a second look.

On the other hand, pressure kills any desire to please. Your need for sex may feel like pressure to her, and as long as you keep trying to get her to have sex, or imply that you need it badly she will want to escape. You know what I'd do? First, if counselling isn't your style there's a book I'd recommend. Its called "love must be tough" by Dr. James Dobson.

Then I'd bring the matter up in a way that made your point clear. Probably I'd write a letter. Something like this "I love you, and I really want to make our marriage work. But for the last 15 years I've been starved for sex. I realize you've been through terrible trauma in the past. I feel like I can't please you and that you don't love me. When you won't make love to me I feel rejected. I can't live like this. And it seems you won't even try to meet my needs. I have waited an awfully long time and it hasn't helped. So I'm putting the ball in your court. I need to be intimate to feel loved. I will work with you any way I can to make you feel loved. I will back off if a memory or a feeling causes you to need space. All I ask is that you try for my sake. Will you try for me? If the answer is no, then I think we need to separate. Its your choice, either we work on it together, or we go our separate ways. I can't live in a marriage without love."

Dobson is the best on this subject. You don't have to wait for her to finally give you what you need. Make her accountable for her own role in this. Just make sure you have an objective view of what that role is and what your role is before you act. Read the book! It really sheds light on how people react to one another in situations like this. He also has a website and a help line. That might help too. You can talk to a counsellor without the committment of going every week.

I hope this helps, I sense your unhappiness and I wish you both the best,

Deb