You know I may have figured out my problem and why I am not doing well again. My husband is an insensitive jerk!!! He is always so miserable. He says that I bring him down and I should hurry up and be over this because of our 3 year old son. He doesnt think that that runs through my mind all day. He has been acting like a jerk for over a month now about the same time I started to feel crappy from an inner ear infection. I dont know what to do anymore. Go on meds, go back to therapy.. I just wish he would stand up and be the man I married I am sick of his whining about the house and how our son wrecks things, but he wants a boat, he wants a new truck he wants and he wants but never gives anything. I am so mad at him I think he has caused my little set back.

Huntersmom

you may be right, how can you put action to this problem? so far your reaction isn't accomplishing much except to make you sick. Have you confronted him with your thoughts on his behaior, Mary K Muler, has a formula for being acertive without ruffling feathers, but also being heard. it goes When you........ then you tell him about the one (only one thing at a time) thing he just did or said. I feel.. then you tell him how it made you feel.Because. then you tell him why you feel that way. Then if you can there are so many times it is not good to add a There for..... then you tell him if he continues to do that what you will do. I find this verry helpfull, after I have dicided exactly what it is I want from my husband, I find men need clear directions. God Bless your mess

hey there huntersmom, my husband is a jerk too.i think he gave me this stuff. i don't like him at all. all my neg thoughts are about him.43yrs worth of him. just try to be independent. maybe if you quit needing him, it will get better. did for me anita
cfe lolololgod bless this mess

Noone can have this much of a profound effect on us UNLESS we let them !! I know you feel it may be your husbands fault for your setback but reality tells us that YOU let him get to you!

It is your REACTION to stress that matters; not the stress itself.

Your husbands response to your anxiety is based on his own ignorance and so therefore you can only keep him so accountable. At the same time, he has his own stresses and anxiety. Mentioning that you should be "over this" due to your 3 year old son, only reinforces this idea. He is probably stressing over this and perhaps you should sit down and have a good, long, serious, compassionate talk.

One more thing.......

Sometimes men do not know what women need. Women have a bad habit of "expecting". It is OUR job as women to tell them what we need in a loving, compassionate, way. If they don't know how to give us what we need, then perhaps it's time to tell/show them.

There is nothing worse for a man than feeling like he can never satisfy his wife. If they hear it enough, they back off and don't do anything at all. It makes them feel inadequate.

In marriage, it takes TWO. Two to encourage eachother, two to say good things to eachother, two to smile and flurt and keep the fire burning. Even if the other isn't producing good thoughts, good words towards the other; this doesn't mean the other can't do it FIRST. Sometimes all it takes is for ONE to begin doing this ( yes, even when you don't feel like it) and before long, the other will return those same things back.

I honestly believe that when a person is suffering with anxiety; they can easily focus on what they don't like about their partner... you know.... all those little things that erk you. But this can be turned around by talking to yourself differently about that person and reminding yourself of EVERYTHING you love about that person.

I cannot imagine disliking my spouse and thinking bad thoughts about him for 43 years !!
I think after a while, these thoughts would lead to extreme bitterness and disgust. I can't imagine how he feels inside, afterall, he's staying with someone that doesn't like him at all !!

hey there sunset, 43yrs is such a long story. i won't bore you with it.but it's true, i don't like him. he doesn't like me either. he controlled me the 1st. 7yrs of our marriage and verbal abuse. i made the decision to not be controlled or abused anymore when my son started 1st grade. we have accomplished some great things together. we are a good team.but that's right idon't like him. anita

Hey Anita,
Just curious... if you both don't like eachother, then why stay together ? Isn't life worth being happy and content ? Why put yourself through anxiety and stress and stay in a bad relationship when you have the choice to move on ?

I am very proactive. I can't see staying still and not doing anything about it.

curious........

o sunset, i don't know why. everytime i left he cried. and i felt sorry for him. i started my own business after the kids left home. was gone a lot. he wasn't a big part of my life during those yrs. i never had a good reason to divorce him. have had seperate bedrooms for 25-30yrs. we do have a lot of history together. he was there for me when i got this dep/gad in 1992. he carried me into the hospital. went through the hell with me the 2-3months before i went. everyone asks me that question. i don't know the answer. he got so annoying afer he retired.i just don't like him. thanks for your concern,anita

Hey Anita!

I bet you both still love eachother deep down underneath all that bitterness!!!

I don't believe in retirement! I think it makes everyone cranky. Besides, keeping busy is what keeps us alive and energetic! I think if I ever retired, I'd become depressed.

Perhaps your hubby hasn't found anything else he can do that will bring him joy. Awwwww shux... I met an older lady ( around 70's or so) in Walmart about a month ago in the make-up isle. She turned to me and started a long conversation about her husband and how WHINEY he was !!! LOL She went on saying that she was in Walmart for over an hour and didn't want to go home to listen to his whiiiiiiiii-nig. I told her that my father is a whiner and she said, "oh hell, you just wait, they get MUCH, MUCH worse!!!!!"

So, I guess you have one of these on your hands heh ??

Have you ever seen "ONE TRUE THING" with Meryl Streep ? I just love that movie! For some reason, you made me remember this... if you haven't seen it, give it a try next time to visit the video store! Here is a trailer for it
ONE TRUE THING - TRAILER ( the trailer starts after the advertisement)...

Any any rate, I pray you find happiness again; heck, even if you could just laugh at eachother a few more times just for fun !

hey there sunset, lololol am laughing again, thank u so much for the comeback. we probably do love each other. i love him like a brother. andlollolol don't know how he loves me. i found viagra in his glove box about 5 yrs ago.lololol i didn't know he needed it.as i hadn't been with him for a long time. thanks again anita

Anita,
im sorry that just sounds like a sad relationship to me. I dont think i could stay in a relationship like that. Just my opinion you understand. Ive been married 37yrs to my husband, and we still sleep together, still have sex. and still enjoy doing things together. He was a controlling person to when we first got married, but we worked all that out, how wonderful a man , a husband and father he is now. I think we all need to be loved by our spouse. To be intimate, thats part of love. Im sorry you dont have that. I will keep you in my prayers,,,take care Nelly

hey there nelly, everyone says that. that they wouldn't stay.and there are times when i miss having a relationship with him. but not often. i wish i could love him as others love their husbands.he had a major heart attack on 01/06 i was there for him and still am. i didn't like sleeping with him from day one. i like to sleep alone. didn't like being married either. don't like answering to anyone. he does everything he can to make me comfortable. he leaves me alone most of the time. he lets me be me. sooooooooooo no reason to leave, thanks for the prayers anita

hey everyone,
hope everything is peachie i love reading the mail. and i love to reply and give my thoughts.i was married for 33 yrs to a lady that ran around on me. but i hung in there for the kids sake. then when they were gone.she still did it and one day she said the right word.hmmm i don't think we should live together anymore.i was working and retired army. she was working for the gov't.. plus she had side benefits.i seperated in oct. 01 got a room for the weekend and then found another place to live.only 2 days. then had my own place.got a divorce. she hasn't moved on yet.she whines all the time/ my son tells me when he talks to her. my daughter was a witness for my divorce. lol.i could go on and on. don't cut yourself short. life is too short..here today. gone tommorrow. you can't take it with you. sometimes i get on a roll lol.
i met the lady of my life . after going through a divorcre. had skin cancer and she was threre for me. we got married a yr ago last april. i found the love of my life.
GOOD has a master play for everyone. he knows all but he cares like we do. but more.i can't tell you what to do. but i can suggest. you need to do something to get better. he holds you back. maybe counceling would hielp. take care and you will be in my thoughts and prayers.GOD BLESS..
DON

ANITA,
I TOO THINK YOU LOVE HIM LOL..
TAKE CARE AND GOD BLESS..

Okay Anita, I also think that there is love there somewhere. You are getting something out of this relationship in someway, some kind of need is being met, or you would have been gone.

I also wish it was different for you. My husband is wonderful to me and I thank God for him daily. We have been married for 23 years this last Sunday. He isn't pushy or bossy and is very supportive of all that I want to do. And today when I was in my recliner crying from all of this job loss stuff, he was sitting in the floor rubbing my feet, and trying to give me hope. And I could never imagine NOT sleeping in the same bed!

I understand all of the nastiness in the beginning of your life together has colored your feelings toward him. I just hope that you have found a measure of peace together.

Smiles, DEB