Hi guys,
I have lived with my brother for the past four years and I guess I'm finally ready to move on. I'm 30 years old now, and it seems like since I have lived here, opportunities to meet friends, or dates has been limited. On and off over these four years I've thought about leaving, for various reasons, not getting along well because of a friend of his that caused fights between us, lots of stuff, mostly that it just didn't feel right.
In the last 6-8 months I've been so freed up from my anxiety, that I've been changing. I've started following my instincts and beliefs. And my brother and I are totally different people. We have so little in common in everyday life.
I guess my excuse has been "I need to save money and pay my loans and its convenient, besides I don't have anywhere to move to, what if I get bored and lonely?"
The truth is, I was secretly hoping he would want to move away first, and I wouldn't have to confront the issue.
This has been my excuse not to take risks, make friends, date, or fully take responsibility for my own life.
My confidence has been shaken by it, and I didn't even know it. I have trouble looking him in the eye. And sometimes I feel like he doesn't even like having me here anyway. We talk about very little. I avoid him in the morning, because he gets up earlier, so I stay in bed. I hate this friend of his that used to live here, because she made my life hell. She owns the house, and expected us to clean every weekend. When she had a complaint about me, she would tell my brother behind my back, and then, he would tell me to change my behavior. I got very angry about this. My brother and I would fight,and his 'friend' would run away in the basement to avoid it. Somehow I usually ended up the loser. My roommate has moved out and is getting married. Since she left things have been better, but there is still a lot between all three of us that has been left unsaid.
I would rather tell this woman to buzz off, but it seems important to my brother that I get along. I really feel that she's soured my relationship with him, because we used to get along well before I moved here. I'm hoping it will patch up and we can do things once inawhile and actually enjoy being together.
I am actually getting excited about moving. The hardest part will be telling my brother about it. It might cause some complications for him. But I'll give him up to 6 months to find a new place, or a roommate. I have decided to give it a week before telling him so that I can get over my anger towards him and say it in an assertive way without blame. And I can figure out where I want to go, etc.
Anyway, very exciting stuff for me! I've been obsessing for weeks now and I didn't realize why. I think this has all been coming to a head somewhere inside. When I started writing about my obsessive thoughts it just popped out. How can I be so consciously unaware of my true feelings sometimes? Its just amazing.
Wish me luck!

Deb

Just an update.

I did finally tell my brother that I am moving out. Quite a range of emotions there I tell you!
I don't want to hurt his feelings, I just think we will be better friends if we can see each other when we want to instead of seeing each other every day.
I realize now that I feel like I have to give up things I like about myself as a condition to living here. It makes me feel very small. And unappreciated. And even ignored.
Now I just need to get my plan in order. I've got six months, which is good, because I need to save some money, and get some furnishings. Its kind of scary to go on my own, but I'm also looking forward to it, although its still a ways away.
Even if it doesn't go like I plan, I can always change something. Do something different to find happiness.
I think this is the road to freedom for me, and maybe my brother too.

Good for you Deb! YOu are taking control of your life and it sounds very exciting. I hope you find what you are looking for and that you and your brother will look forward and enjoy one anothers company again in the future.

Reena