Hello Everyone, I have been trying to figure out what I get from my anxiety. I was driving home from work yesterday listening to session 12 again and it hit me. I use my anxiety to manipulate situations to keep me from being independent. I am always looking for people to take care of me instead of taking care of myself. I have looked to other people keep me safe and be responsible for me. I am my safe person. When I realized what I was "gaining" from my anxiety, I just started to cry. It felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders to finally see it and admit it. Last night was probably the best night sleep I have had in about a year. This program is definitely changing my life. Thank you Midwest Center!!!

LisaLisa

GOOD morning LisaLisa and CONGRATS TO YOU!!

I am soooooooo happy for your progress and it just makes me all the more encouraged that I too will get to that place you are in right now. Your post will be so uplifting to many others so A BIG THANKYOU for sharing your accomplishment with all of us.

Enjoy your days and keep up the great work that got you to this point.

(((A HUG FOR YOU)))
Deborah

I am so happy for you! As monty'smom said, it gives me hope that I can see the light like you have. It is nice to see the program helping, sometimes I get doubts.

Have a great day and many more!
Lisalee

LisaLisa-

Oh my goodness! I just read this and it was like you were talking about me. I just started session 2 yesterday. I've been having some problems sticking daily to the assignments (walking, writing in journal, listening to the relaxation cd, etc.).

But yesterday, when I started the new session, I was doing some major thinking on why I've had this. I actually devoted most of my day to the program, etc.

I started having my anxiety when I was 4 years old. My dad had just left in a horribly bitter divorce, leaving my mom pregnant with 3 of us kids. When he married the person he left her for when I was 6, my panic attacks began every time I had to visit their home.

Since then, any time I find myself in a new and unknown situation, I get these panic attacks. The worst, now, is when I try to go on vacation. I either don't go or have the panic attacks while I'm there.

What is going on now, besides the inability to travel, is that my hubby and I are seriously considering divorce (he can't take the anxiety, depression and rage anymore).

Now that I'm considering the fact that I have to live on my own and work for the first time in 7 years (instead of be a homemaker and mommy), I'm scared to death. I keep thinking I'll just move back in with my mom until I get on my feet. But, I don't want to do that because of my "safety person" or anxiety. I want to do it because it financially makes sense.

It's so crazy what we put ourselves through. I realize that I've been trying to find an "out" to any situation that scared me. I think that I'm also doing it now as a way to keep myself as a victim of this affliction instead of taking action. The funny thing is, I always thought I was independant and that was why I suffered in silence for so long. But, I bet it's a combo of the 2.

Thanks for your post. It has been so enlightening to see them all. I really appreciate being able to come here and read everyone's support and breakthroughs.

To your continued successes! -J

LisaLisa - I'm so glad to hear about what you have realized. Picking up on what our secondary gains are and what the payoff is that your getting from the anxiety and or depression is so crucial in my opinion in making changes. You might also want to look at the price you are paying for these secondary gains because for me, this is what shocked me into taking action.

I figured this out today as well, that I maybe in a way "fear" being independant, but I dont have to be, and I know that now. Everyday I figure out better ways to prevent myself from making me nervous and it just keeps getting better.

LisaLisa:
Thanks so much for posting your secondary gains. I just was not seeing where I was getting secondary gains. Then talked to my sister and had the feeling from her tone and interaction she was not really supportive of my work on this program. I was beginning to feel she did not want me to get better. (She being my support) Any way I realized when I read your post that I was allowing myself to be dependant on every one and that was my secondary gain. Thanks.........so much!!!