I am on week 12 and can say that this week is making my think, and in some ways I feel I am a few weeks late, where I should have been thinking about but at any cost, I am finally getting some of my thoughts together.

I will try to make a long story short, and hope that you can help me see where my thoughts are going.

My husband and I have always seemed to take life the hard way. Our marriage has had it's share of hard times, medically, financially and so on. For years I had worked for a group of surgeons (I am a L.V.N.) and it was a very stressful job. Then when I left I went to work for a dermatology group that again was very stressful. Even though I loved the medical field I would find that I always thought that I should do better. You know the ole "save the world" syndrome. And found that it I could not except the fact that I wasn't better. That is when I found myself becoming a introvert to myself and feelings instead of a very out going person.

Later in years we moved to a very small town and when I thought I would try to find another nursing job, I would magically become very ill. (Now I am starting to piece together why~anxiety). We spent a year taking care of my father-in-law, 24 hours a day-7 days a week after a very debilitating stroke. And I do admit that I felt trapped. During this time my mother-in-law passed suddenly. Of which time I was sitting with her, at the hospital, to give the kids a break. She passed while I was out of the room, and felt for years that I had not only let the family down, but my mother-in-law as well. I knew she could not survive her medical problems, but it was her passing alone. I have through one of the lessons have finally forgave myself for that one (and I thank you MWC and God to help me through that). Shortly after we was no longer taking care of my father-in-law, was when I had my first full blown panic attack after I had my gallbladder surgery and had a stone left. I done well for some time and then with our financial burden I took a job at the school here which I worked with a teacher that dealt with handicapped children from 1-3 grades. We would stay in the room with the door shut all day. It was a mental challenging day. Which at that point I felt like I was not giving what the children needed, and the teacher was there waiting for the time for her to retire, and did not offer any help. At that point my doctor told me that he felt that I should give up working. And I stayed home for 2 years with little problems, until I thought I would help my daughter at the store she has and again my symptoms came back full blown. And now again I have stayed home. During all of this I have a grandson that we have helped raise that had his share of problems, of which I again felt that I did not do the job I should have done. And a son-in-law that seems to find joy is making people mesirble.

Guess my question is can this be physical stress, and mental? If it is mental how and can physical stress make our symptoms come back. This past weekend I tried to step through the wall and traveled to a large family function that was very demanding and the next day I woke to one of those blasted full blown attacks. So guess the reason I am writing you, is all this a light at the end of my tunnel or will/and can my physical burden be lifted after my mental burdens be lifted?

And as to what is the gain of my symptoms. I know I sound at loss and which I am, but where could there possibly be gain from my symptoms and my place with panic attacks? I am truly at loss. In this lesson, Carolyn speaks of that "dip in the rode that took your stomach" boy wish I could find that dip.................

Emotional stress can take it's toll on the physiology of your body. I know this as a diabetic when my environment changes so does my BP, Insulin, and other bodily functions.

It sounds like you are coming along nicely. Remember, some days you will make great strides and some days it seems like you took a step back. The difference is that now you have the tools to reduce the downtime. Happy 4th!

Thank you so much for your reply, it helps so much to know we are not in this alone.

This drastically effects my blood pressure also. And that surely isn't a gain!

Hi Annette,

As I was reading your post I can see that you love helping and working with people and being a nurse that is what you do best. But, I can also see that you had a lot of stress in some of your jobs and you were pushing yourself too hard. Trying to please everyone and not really thinking about yourself. And with all the stress will come the body symptoms and more and more stress becomes anxiety. When you are in that kind of situation then the stress becomes overwhelming and you experience PANIC ATTACKS.

You have to learn to CALM DOWN, say no to some things, stop making everyone else happy and yourself miserable. I have gone through the program 4 years ago, before that time I was like you doing a hundred things at one time. working in a beauty salon and doing hair after work, go grocery shopping, make dinner. No wonder I was a nervous reck. I got to the point where you are. I did the program and I am doing great and living the life I want to live. You have to STOP AND SMELL THE ROSES.

Dona Dry

Thank you so much for the reply. I am so thankful to hear there is an end to this some how, and some way.

I am going to over come this and I am thankful you shared that it can be done.

Definitely. I'm currently not working now, but as someone who has workaholic tendencies, I find that I very often don't notice when I'm getting too stressed because I'm putting too much pressure on my body to stay up and do more work, or to stay late at work, or on my mind to handle it all. That is until my body shuts down. and then my mind is less effective. And the more I push it, the worse it gets. So the stress level of the body affects the stress level of the mind, and vice versa. It might help to learn your threshold for stress. Your threshold may be lower than "average" or average, higher than, or much lower than average. This is something I have to learn. I have to learn not to compare my capabilities with the next person's or try to overextend myself to match someone else's performance. At the end of the day, my health is more important than all of that, and in the long run, consistent success is more likely if I respect my limitations. I have a sensitive nervous system, so I have to reconcile my ambition with my physical reality. This is just a little morsel of what I have to overcome on my journey to recovery from anxiety and depression. Hope this helps!

Yes I understand how you feel. I am the same way I think. When my panic attacks first began, I was working and then as I slowed down they went away. So of course I thought I was healed and went back to work. Then there came the panic attacks again. It makes me wonder if this is the way it will be from now on, I certainly want to be active again.

Have a blessed night.

you say "save the world" syndrome, but yet you don't recognize its just a syndrome. you may WANT to save the world, but you absolutely can't. your mother-in-law passing when you left should be reassuring. so many people pass on when their loved ones just run to get a cup of coffee, or run to the bathroom. its very common. their soul knows when it wants to leave, and sometimes they feel its better to go alone, so you don't have to be there. i bet her soul was sticking around waiting for you to leave.

secondly, i think you need to take some comfort knowing that you have a mind-body connection. meaning, if you are physically hurt or ill, your mind can help or do harm, and if your mentally ill or stressed, your body can help or do harm. if your physically stressed, your anxiety will become worse and it can lead to more panic attacks and more symptoms. just like if your anxiety is real bad, it can lead to many physical symptoms. i've noticed when i used to get real sick before i got my tonsils taken out, i would be dead to the world. i would lay in bed, or on the couch, sip my soup and tea, and just veg. i would do it for days and days. but, as soon as i would say "ok, i'm gonna try to go out," i would feel SO much better. my mentality was keeping me sicker than i really was. and a few years ago, i had a bad sore throat, cough, stuffy nose, but instead of vegging and being sick, i kept working, 12 hour days, and i was better in no time. i wasn't lethargic and dead, i had a sore throat, but kept my energy and that helped alot. same with anxiety. if i feel anxious, and let it get the best of me, and i sit home, worrying, thinking, waiting, i will feel much worse than if i say "no thank you anxiety" and go out and enjoy myself. another good example is this IBS i suddenly am diagnosed with. i have been keeping a food/day journal, and i've noticed my little bouts of "the D" all happen within a day of me getting stressed, and eating cheerios, but thats besides the point. but, when i'm mentally stressed, i'm physically altered also.

best advice i can give you is don't fret about the little things, and don't worry about things you cannot change or do anything about. sometimes we want to take on so much, for whatever our reasons are, but end up taking on too much to deal with. you making up situations like "your family blames you, or looks down on you" when infact, i would bet that thought hadn't even crossed their minds. so now your beating yourself up over something no one actually feels. i would say to start taking a very black and white look at life. don't come up with irrational situations and thoughts about stuff. say... "my mother-in-law was very sick, so she passed away. i know for a fact there was nothing i could have done, and my family knows that also." done. no alternate endings, just a simple black and white picture. thats how others will see it, so theres no sense in getting yourself worked up over something your making up to begin with.

i suffered with this kinda thinking, so this is coming from experience. i almost lost a dear friend of mine because i was pretty in love. i would take everything out of context. if she rode in someone elses car one night, i would think "wtf, why am i not good enough, she hates me, shes prolly talkin crap about me." if she forgot to call me, i would think "shes doing it on purpose, shes ignoring me because i'm a terrible person, shes talking crap about me, they are all laughing at me, she knows shes supposed to call me but shes not on purpose." when in fact, when i would confront her, she would say "oh, sorry, it didn't even occur to me it would be this big of a deal, i'm real sorry, nothing personal, i just got caught up and forgot to call." so, i would torture myself with all these thoughts, when infact, i was making them all up to begin with. so i've learned to take everything very simple. she doesn't call, no big deal, just slipped her mind, i won't let it bother me.

Sporadic, I want to thank you so very much for you reply. It was very helpful. I know that the day my mother-in-law past on that the family all was very understanding and loving. I guess my own worse enemy has always been myself. I know that since my mother-in-laws passing I would dream that she would be back home and her house was empty (we had all taken her ownings), and I would awaken wondering why I would dream this and not dream of my own Dad. And I guess feeling like I had forgot my Dad, so you know a little guilt. Well, when we picked something to forgive ourselves for, I choose to forgive my self for my mother-in-law. So I wrote her a good bye letter, and put the letter out at our lake with a rose telling her goodbye, the next few days I dreamed my Dad and I went to her house and she was gone. Now I know that my Dad and her are resting in peace, and all is well. I hope this makes sense.

I like you would put little things together in my mind and I really think you are right about the "black and white" we just had the "black and white"
misplaced before, it was a negative black and white.

Again thank you so much, your reply has certainly helped me.

Have a blessed day!