Hi Everyone---I've been really trying to dig deep and find out what's holding me back from getting better and all I come up with is the same answer. I'm soooooo afraid of getting hurt. I've put up these walls for so long because of the deep hurt and pain I've felt from opening myself up and loving only to be hurt. This fear is so strong for me and can't seem to get past it or better put, won't get past it.

How do you let yourself open up again? I'm sure this is the big thing that is holding me back! Even sadness and feeling lonely still seems better than being hurt. I think that's the one thing that might break me.

My heart is just pounding writing this because I've only thought about this in my head and writing it down is hard.

I know everyone has hurt in their lives and most people can seem to deal with it and go on. Well, I'm still "going on" but with walls.

Any insights?
Serene

Serene~

The past is the past. The present is today. The future, we don't know, but we'll find out eventually. Yes, we've all had hurt; I know I have had my share. I have chosen to not live in the past. What can I do to change it? Nothing. What can I do? Well, I can move past it. I deserve to feel good about myself; I deserve to feel fulfiled; I deserve love. What is the difference between you and me? NOTHING! You deserve the same.

Silvana

Thanks for the reply Silvana. I do think of the past alot. I'm practicing on that present moment.
Maybe I just don't feel I deserve all those things yet, I don't know. I'll give that some thought. Thanks for your insight, it means alot to me.

Serene

Serene~

Is there a way to resolve these past hurts? Can you address them with the person(s) that hurt you and forgive so you can let these go? I just was thinking this becuase I remember hearing somewhere, maybe in the program, resolve to dissolve. Another thing I know from my own experiences is that holding on to a feeling, even hurtful feelings of rejection in a way allowed me to hold on to that person that hurt and rejected me. Makes sense to me know looking back...but was very unhealthy and destructive to my spirit.

Silvana

Silvana----Yes, I have talked to him about it but I just can't seem to forgive him. I've built up so much resentment but was always to scared to make a change. I know I need to forgive, move ahead or both. The bitterness will eat me up.

I'm afraid to trust again. I'm a gullible(sp?) person and this person can be very manipulating.
He's a risk taker, I'm not. But to move ahead I guess I'll have to become one. The fear just grips me in the chest.

I do remember, now that you mentioned it, Lucinda telling how she went back to her ex and told him she forgave him for everything that happened and that resolved things for her. I guess I'm not to that point yet.

Thanks for helping me!
Serene

Serene~

Well maybe there is power in forgiving yourself?

Silvana

Hi Silvana---Just wanted to thank you for all your help. Your right, it all starts with ourselves doesn't it and forgiving myself is something I haven't done yet. I tend to get sidetracked by other people's actions. I need to be "less affected and more effective." Back to the drawing board with that "what people think of me" syndrome.

Sorry it took me awhile to reply, it really made me think Thanks again.

Serene,

Life is full of opposites: light, dark; up, down; good, bad; emotional pain, happiness. One cannot exist without the other.

Nobody likes to be hurt, but if we never experienced it, we would not be able to fully appreciate what it is to be happy.

Be kind to yourself and I wish you Godspeed in overcoming that wall

Thank you Phoenix, I know I'll get there.
That's another good way to look at it. You guys have such wonderful thoughts it's a pleasure to talk to you all!

Hi Serene.

I don't know the story about the hurt past...But from the sounds of it, it involves a guy..

If your not ready to forgive just yet then maybe you need to take a different approach untill you feel good enough about your self to be able to do that.

You are going threw the progam so like all of us (even if we don't think we know it)we want more for our selves..

So everytime you think of the past (I do that all the time) just say he can have my past but he can't have my today or tomorrow. Those are for you to cherish and don't let him take that from you...your working so hard to live in the moment and that is yours.

Or you could just chant "screw him" HAHAHHAHAHA...

I think the top is more healthy though....I am here to chat..I know how it feels to have someone in your past controll your present...Just remeber it is not there's to controll.

Misty

PS...I am a really bad speller. heheh

It is my humble observation on this site and in life in general that people tend to equate forgiveness with the removal of healthy boundaries. Forgiveness is the easy part. Maintaining healthy boundaries is not. I agree with the comment about letting him have your past but not letting him have your present. What is past is past and cannot be changed. But to live in the present but wiser moment is priceless. We get hurt due to lack of healthy boundaries. There is nothing wrong with healthy boundaries. Just be careful who you get involved with. You can be a risk taker and still have healthy boundaries. Though others may not agree with us does not mean there is something wrong with us. Follow your heart.

Thank you so much ladies for all of your insights! It's so nice to have people that can look at a problem for me. An unbiased opinion helps me to step out of myself and look at it differently thanks to all of you! Hope I can return the favor

Serene -- {{{hugs}}}}

I too have built many, many walls. I felt a lot of hurt and pain as a child and young adult, and started building early.

What I've discovered during the past couple of years, is that I have the power to get rid of those walls. I know other people who have destroyed their walls with a sledgehammer and wrecking ball.

Personally, I take the chiseling approach. (Have you seen "Shawshank Redemption"? I'm using that little hammer on my walls. ) For me, opening myself up gradually increases my trust level -- both in trusting myself and my skills AND trusting other people.

It also helps me to know that I can choose how I respond. I'm on Lesson 5 now -- Lucinda is taking about anger and forgivenss. How to dissolve or resolve. When my daughter tells me I'm the meanest mommy in the world because I had her make her bed -- I can choose to be really hurt and guilty, or I can choose to laugh and chalk it up to a temporary kid tantrum. I know in my heart I'm not a mean mommy -- I need to trust in myself.

You have come SO far since I've known you. I think you deserve to let go of past anger and give yourself freedom from past hurts. Trust in yourself. You are a capable, lovable person.

Emily---Your reply couldn't have come on a better day for me. Thank you so much, your message has hit me deeply, in a good way

I did see the movie 2 or 3 times, it's a good one! I like the chisel approach. That will work better for me, like baby steps. Lesson 5 is one I've listened to many times. I just played it again last week. Everyday I tell myself the past is the past, live for this moment and I feel it sinking in

About being a mean mommy, I once read an article from a psychologist, Dr Rosemond I think, that if your kids tell you you're mean or even if they say they hate you you know you're on the right track to being a good parent. Makes sense to me because they need guidelines and rules and sometimes they don't always like them but they are part of becoming a good person. I know what you mean, it does hurt deep down but just know that you're doing the right thing for her. After all, they love us just not the things they don't like to do!

Thanks for the kind words and advice. I will trust myself, make mistakes and learn from them.

(((((Hugs back to you))))))))
Serene

In reading this thread, I keep thinking of the movie �Angel Eyes� with Jennifer Lopez (now on video). I saw it on sale at Walmart and bought it because it speaks to my heart so much about letting down the walls. If you have not seen it and want to, let me say there is a tough scene involving a child, hard to watch as a mom, but I think the movie is so profound.

I have the walls, too, and what I crave more than anything is connection to other humans yet every time I think I have it, I wind up being terribly hurt and betrayed. I so want connections to people that I see what I want in them, not who they are. Over time, the illusion fades, and I see that I have sacrificed my boundaries and have denied to myself what the relationship is all about. So, the hard thing I have realized is that I have a big piece of ownership in these situations. Still hurts like hell but it gives me a chance to do it differently next time.

I just wanted you to know that I understand about being hurt and the walls that protect yet hold us apart. I wish you luck with finding your way on this journey.