Hi everyone,****WARNING: This turned out to be very lengthy!

I was just now listening to the tape on this lesson....i've heard this tape many times throughout this past year. And i thought i would write my thoughts out on a posting here...perhaps it will help me and others.

Lucinda mentions that most people have a very tough times comprehending what 'secondary gains' means. I myself understood this concept way before i obtained this program...perhaps because of my way of looking at things and because i have been involved with therapy and have become a therapist myself several years ago. So that the 'concept' is not new to me. Of course, it is one thing to have the concept, and quite another to grasp it 'in your gut'!

I think many people respond to this term ~ secondary gains, in a defensive way because it sounds like it infers that we are keeping ourselves this way ON PURPOSE! That we LIKE remaining anxious, depressed, terrified! And, of course, this isn't true. Sometimes i find that to change the language around can be helpful, such as: instead of secondary gains, i might ask myself, "What would i have to face if i was completely free of this?"

When i experienced my very first attack of panic/terror, i was in a life situation which (i can easily see now) i had no idea HOW to handle. I felt 'stuck'! I was very, very frightened. I was a very young 20 year old and had no idea how important it was to discover what i was truly FEELING at the time. My own feelings felt threatening to me. (again, i only understand this NOW) So, i ignored myself (my feelings) in many ways and effectively became 'numb'....i shut myself down. THAT, IN ITSELF, can produce panic! Because if i'm not THERE FOR MYSELF, well....who will be!! Okay, getting back to those secondary gains.....i was having very frightening thoughts during that time, and as i said, i felt stuck. I was pregnant at that time and the father and i spent the entire pregnancy discussing 'whether or not to keep the baby'. Stressful? Oh yes! But, i didn't know that at the time. This is a very long story, which i won't get into now...not because i feel at all 'private' about it, it's just such a long story! Anyway, i became terrified of being pregnant, i didn't WANT to be.....something was 'taking over' my body and i could not CONTROL it! (by the way, i was not married to the father at that time, we did marry later on though) I had a mixture of emotions during that pregnancy....on the one hand, the fear of this baby growing inside of me! Thoughts about mortality and my own fragile existence...terrified me! On the other hand, i felt the wonder and the joy, every time the baby kicked...but nobody around me would join in on that....everyone around me DENIED the entire experience i was having! (someone very close to me told me to "just think of it as an absess in your stomach."!!!!!) Talk about getting support! My parents...even the father couldn't deal with it. (as i said...long story) SO, my point is....i SHUT DOWN my feelings, and went NUMB. Why? Because i BELIEVED that i couldn't deal with them. That i couldn't HANDLE it all. When i saw the baby (which i DID give up to adoption)...i felt nothing. I thought i was an insensitive, cold person. How could i feel 'nothing'? THAT is what happens when we avoid, run away, leave ourselves! Fear does that. The night before the baby was legally no longer mine, i awoke in the night screaming "i want my baby!" So, i DID have feelings MANY feelings! I should mention here, that after i met my son, 11 years ago, i spent one night up....crying my eyes out, and i felt two distinct feelings. Feelings that i had BURIED COMPLETELY during the pregnancy and after the birth. One was ENORMOUS LOVE and it hurt very, very much. The other feeling was a very frightening one...this was GUILT. Guilt for having left my own baby! I heard myself say "How could you leave your own child!!!" I felt appalled! I felt like such a horrible person! **These feelings came up again, just this week, for the second time....when my son and his wife had a baby girl. (but that's ANOTHER story!)

It may seem like i've gone way off topic, but i wanted to make a point here....being that:
I DIDN'T know how to deal with life then. I
needed to NOT deal with it all. I was overwhelmed. And PANIC took over! So ~ regarding secondary gains, I believe that if i had been a person who KNEW HOW to deal and cope with a situation like that, and many other life situations which i had a hard time with ~ then i probably would not have had the panic i had. OF COURSE there are gains in remaining AWAY from life! I gave an extreme example here, of a specific event, which brought on panic. But a person who had an effective way of dealing with life would not have reacted as i did, during that time. I did not have a solid sense of who i was. I was filled with SHAME at the very CORE of my being (i didn't know that then either)...i was used to (as so many of us are!) ignoring my feelings/instincts/intuition....rather than honouring them. To acknowledge certain feelings, to pay attention to them, and carry through into ACTION what was really 'right' for ME, was always a threatening thing to do.
For many reasons, such as: how this would effect others....i would be alone....and, of course, very scary to follow through when you believe that you're 'incapable', which was what i felt about myself.

So ~ there IS much to gain by staying away from life, if you really believe, deep down inside....(often out of conscious awareness)....that you simply CANNOT effectively DO what you set out to do! Why would you embark, yet again, on a mission which you somehow KNOW you will fail at! Of course, none of this is THE TRUTH! But as long as it's what i (we) BELIEVE about ourselves, then there is MUCH TO GAIN by remaining safe....even if that safety has compromised so much of our lives.

What's the answer then. Hmmmmmm, i've been restling with this for too long. I've been 'avoiding life' for too long. (not all of it...don't want you to get the wrong idea! )
I think the BOTTOM LINE is to actively practice SELF-LOVE....self acceptance, compassion, patience, kindness....all the time, in every way, no matter HOW we are feeling. It's like building a foundation that was never put into place! It's like filling up a 'crack'.....with LOVE. Mending the wound...being the absence of love and security. And i can't see that anyone else can do this besides MYSELF.
My favourite line from a Leonard Cohen song: "Forget your perfect offering,
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in."

That suggests to me, that THROUGH the crack, the imperfection....is WHERE WE HAVE TO GO.
THAT'S the place that needs to be addressed.
The part of us that is the gaping wound. We need to LOVE IT BACK TO LIFE! AND, we need to ALLOW "ALL" feelings to have their voice!
To express themselves. Just as we learn to let go of the fight/flight response to panic....we need to 'stand still with all our feelings'.....ACCEPT THEM. "Acceptance is a precondition to change".

Well well....i cannot believe how long i've gone on here. This was initially a selfish thing...i needed to write for ME. I hope it may have helped one other person, in some small way.

God bless,
Lindi

I have known, for years, what the 'gains' have been for me....knowing this hasn't made it one bit easier for me to move ahead.....so far!

------------------
Linda

It's me again,

I have no idea why or how that sentence became installed AFTER i signed off! It was part of the text. So it's pretty strange and out of context, being at the end like that. Sorry.
Lindi

Hi Rhythm (Diane), What? You were thinking about me since you awakened today? (we hardly ever speak!!) And then you came to the BB and i answered something important for you? *Now i'm singing the tune from 'The Twilight Zone', ya know....na na na na na na na na ....eeeeerrrieee
I take it that when you say you're too 'numb', you are referring to what i said happens to us (or me) when we shut off our true feelings, right? I'd LOVE to hear more, whether you're numb or not.
love and hugs,
lindiloo

Linda,
That was a wonderful post.
I can relate to everything you were saying about finally being able to accept our feelings and thoughts, and also being able to accept our feelings and thoughts from the past. To understand why we may have done things the way we did because we only had certain coping skills.
And I definitely agree with learning to go back and loving ourselves completely for not only who we are today, but for who we used to be.
I have been striving to do this also. It has been a very gradual process, but well worth it. Part of it was with the photos like I mentioned to you. There have been other specific areas also that I've had and have yet to deal with. To understand, to accept and love myself despite the decisions I have also made.
Your post has really given me some insight on how to go about some of these issues.
I also wanted to let you know the title of that book I mentioned before that my coach had recommended. It's titled Tuesdays with Morey. I believe that's spelled right. My coach said that the book talked about how to give ourselves permission to feel our feelings. I haven't read it yet, but I hope to find it and read it soon.
I just want to say that I know that was an extrememly tough issue you had to deal with. And now that you have come to know your son (which is really wonderful), I can see how that and now the birth of your grandchild may be bringing up those past unsettling feelings. Just accept them like you mentioned. Love yourself for them. It is just a strong indication of what a special person you truly are. To have feelings, and to be able to care so much.
Thank you so much for sharing something so deep and personal to you. It really was something that I believe I needed to hear.
My prayers and thoughts are with you.
Take good care of yourself and God bless.

[This message has been edited by grateful (edited 02-07-2002).]

Hi Lindi!

You have helped me in a BIG way today! I already replied once saying I was too 'numb' to write but I changed my mind and will give it a shot!

This is so baazar... as I woke up after a very restless night, I thought of you. I thought of your posts! How long they are! LOL! It's ALWAYS a good read! I knew the first thing I had to do was take a walk to clear my head and I thought how I wish you were by my side. I was really 'numb' and was wishing SO much that I could tell somebody why I was feeling like I am today and they would understand!

Anyway, here you are and did you hit the nail on the head with so many things about secondary gains!!!Even tho you say this was just for you... You have confirmed what I thought were mine. My heart goes out to what you went thru w/ your son! Personally, I was pregnant too w/ my first at 20 too! His father just said,"let's get married!"I knew he was going to be the one I was going to marry, just not in that order!Being the naive one that I was, I just thought it'd be fun!HA! 25 years later and still riding on the roller coaster! Not that I wasn't blessed w/2 beautiful boys, you know some of my history... I am getting to be one very,very tired woman! And a scared one! I HAVE to make a couple of major decisions and I don't want to deal w/ it! It's too much! I SHUT DOWN when I don't want to be the one 'wearing the pants'.I want someone to take care of me! Waaaaah!!! It is so true when you said," i SHUT DOWN my feelings, and went NUMB. Why? Because i BELIEVED that i couldn't deal with them. That i couldn't HANDLE it all." That's how I feel/believe!!! Boy, did you strike a cord there...I believe I can't handle it all- therefore, I will have constant anxiety and retreat into my comfort zone. Stay stuck, but safe!

My reading this morning was "Our first duty is not to hate ourselves." Then you reinforced that with your thoughts..."the BOTTOM LINE is to actively practice SELF-LOVE....self acceptance, compassion, patience, kindness....all the time, in every way, no matter HOW we are feeling. It's like building a foundation that was never put into place! It's like filling up a 'crack'.....with LOVE. Mending the wound...being the absence of love and security. And i can't see that anyone else can do this besides MYSELF." I totally agree except for I didn't see anything about FORGIVENESS. Forgiving ourselves is so important in our healing too!

So, now I see that this has taken me so long to type that you did see my first reply!LOL!And we might not talk that much, but alot of what you say here on the BB has touched me. Plus there's not to many of us over forty it seems.

Okay, time to get on w/LIFE and I hope we both will put into practice what you have wrote so beautifully here. I am no longer feeling quite as 'numb'! Come on out of the twilight zone!LOL!

Love and Hugs,
Diane




[This message has been edited by rhythm (edited 02-07-2002).]

"Hi" Grateful and Rhythm,

Just now, while i was doing the things i do in the morning, i was listening to that same tape on the Secondary Gains, and we are asked on that tape, "What are you getting out of this ~ out of being anxious, depressed, etc.?" I know i addressed this before, but perhaps i can word it in a different way ~
I can see why so many people would get their backs up when they hear this sentence! (I'm getting something OUT OF THIS?! You've GOT to be kidding!) I think i would have had a difficult time 'getting it' if i had looked at it that way. (of course, we all hear things differently) So, i think that in changing the Question, the entire concept can be better understood. A question such as:
"If you didn't have this disorder, the depression, the panic,whatever.....how would you feel?" Just that question alone can bring up SO MANY underlying fears, apprehensions,etc.. about participating in many aspects of our lives, we can see exactly what we are avoiding and why. And a question like that cannot 'sound' like it is assuming that you KNOW what you're 'getting out of this'....doesn't 'sound' like we are doing this ON PURPOSE! Does all this seem too picky on my part? I know that the way a question is put ~ makes ALL the difference in how somebody responds, or in whether or not they will 'open up'. In my own therapy training, we did ALOT of work with something called Voice Dialogue ~ such a fabulous tool!
The facilitator would talk to 'aspects' of the self (like: the guilty part, or the protector, or the fearful part, or the critical part...on and on) and always the facilitator would ask "What are you TRYING to DO for _____________(fill in your name here)?
The operative word is TRYING, because it isn't succeeding. Let's say the critical part is keep me/you from acting on something that ANOTHER PART really wants to do. In discovering what the 'critic' is TRYING to do for ME/YOU.....we ALWAYS find out that it's PURPOSE is to PROTECT US!!! It never fails!
In one way or another, this is what we find!
And this helps us to SEE what it is we are protecting ourselves FROM! (God, i hope i'm being articulate here) Once we see and FEEL what we're afraid to face or deal with, then i think we can grasp what our 'secondary gains' are.
Okay, enough on that!

***GRATEFUL: Hi there! I've been very lazy about writing for a while now, so i haven't told you that i began to use those photos all over again, starting with the youngest one. So interesting 'what comes up' while doing that!
Interesting what you said..."to understand, accept and love myself despite the decisions i have made." This is SOOOOO important, and i can FEEL that this week especially. I think it's possible that i have been 'carrying' alot of grief and guilt around for many years, without knowing it. The grief isn't really about 'decisions', it's more about how i've 'shut down' and not felt what i NEEDED to, in order to heal. I awoke during the night (last night) and several things suddenly came to me.....areas and people in my life who i never grieved over...where i shut off my feelings instead. It's like i'm BEING SHOWN what needs my attention....in order that i can finally FEEL it to it's fullest....in order to LET IT GO!
Time to get myself back into therapy for a while, although not possible right now...due to lack of money! I can do this a little bit on my own. As for the GUILT, yes! When i was feeling the guilt of leaving my baby, as i talked about, this guilty feeling.....feeling like this horrible person....almost felt unbearable, and i said "Oh God, PLEASE help me to forgive myself!" I HAD to, or it felt like it would rip me apart. Also knowing Michael has had such fabulous parents helps ALOT! Forgiveness is essential for myself. Forgiveness regarding others....well, i feel like i've learned something about that over the years. I think most of us are taught PREMATURE FORGIVENESS. We're taught it as an intellectual concept, a good ethic. However, this doesn't WORK, when we haven't yet addressed and gone through the emotions which STILL hold anger/rage,etc... I think that when we've done that, then Forgiveness emerges...on it's own, as a natural consequence.
I read Tuesdays with Morey about two or three years ago.....beautiful book. (i really didn't like the made for T.V. thingie they did with that) Yes, there's a lot to learn from that little book.....the man who is dying in that story is not afraid....he hasn't spent his life 'avoiding himself'!!
Regarding the feeling which have been brought up for me since this 'new birth'....i wish i had access to them more! It is such a HABIT for me to shut off and lose my feelings...and often i find myself telling a story, but without the accompanying feelings. I'd rather have them, but this is a lifetime habit.
"Thank you" for the complimentary things you said about me! There is so much caring and love in your writings.
God bless, and talk with you later,
lindiloo

****RHYTHM, Hi! Oh my God!...Reading about your experience yesterday morning brought instant tears to my eyes. I myself have been going in and out of feelings and numbness, since all those powerful feelings came up last week. As i said to Grateful, i'd prefer it if the feelings stayed around longer, as painful as they can be....as i know they connect me to LIFE!
It is incredible and so magical...how we can touch one another in such profound ways...without even having met! I think we can feel the 'essence' of someone, from the way they write, what they say. You had thoughts of me in the morning and then later on your walk, you said you wished i was by your side. (i cried more when i read that...so moving) It was like you KNEW i would understand, and then when reading what i wrote, you discovered you were right....i did understand. I am always filled with AWE when things like that happen, to me, to others. Never an accident.
Diane, i honestly don't recall alot of your history, i'm so sorry. (could be the 'sometimers'.....that's a silly joke....it's the youthful version of Altzeimers, get it?)
I wish i could remember more of it so that i could have understood more of what you wrote about being SO TIRED OUT.
I wholeheartedly understand about having to make major decisions and not wanting to! Not wanting to deal with the outcomes. I have such a powerful resistence to taking certain actions which will cause change. I think one of two things has to happen for me ~ i become willing to take a giant leap of faith, somehow trusting 'all will be well'.....or, i arrive at a place within myself where i finally feel stronger, more confident and more driven to do what is right for me.
You said you shut down "when you don't want to be the one 'wearing the pants'". I know! This would mean you are powerful, make choices, take actions and risks...and however others feel is NOT YOUR FAULT, and how you feel....well, you need to BELIEVE deep down, that you will be JUST FINE. (i could be so off-track here, as i don't know specifically what you're talking about.
*I know that for some of us (me for sure!)...i can REASON to myself, be LOGICAL and REALISTIC, and STILL ~ find myself refusing to make a certain 'move'. Sometimes-for some, no amount of self-talk will help us to make the leap. Sometimes there is something going on outside of our Awareness, that is running us from within.
And so, we're back to finding a way to FEEL ALL OUR FEELINGS, allowing them to come up...so that we can see what is keeping us from moving forward.
I know that for myself, the fear has often been much too strong and i have to keep working on giving myself that LOVE i spoke about, the exact same way i would love a little baby! I say it out loud, i look in the mirror, i write it down. (i often forget to do this, i must admit) It's just another WAY to reprogram the child inside....to keep on telling her she is perfect, welcome to the world, loved unconditionally, etc... Slowly, i think we can start BELIEVING that! (for those of us who haven't) Out of THAT, a change of attitude can happen, actions can finally be taken and we can KNOW we will survive and even prosper!!!! How's that for THINKING POSITIVELY!!! Now, we just have to do the work! Oboy!!!!!!!
The TRUTH is ~ we CAN 'handle it all'. But as long as we keep believing the LIE (we can't) then, we won't!
I too, have been 'stuck and safe' and my life is passing me by. With prayer and some effort, i hope to God to experience a long-awaited breakthrough.

Love and hugs,
Lindiloo

Hey Lindiloo!

Thanks for another great read! You COULD be such a great therapist!!! AND Grateful, you WILL love Tuesdays w/Morrie! I think it is the only book I have ever read in one sitting! Then, went out and bought I don't know how many copies for gifts!

Anyway, I listened to the tape on stress on my walk this morning since I knew I can only find you here!LOL! No, I don't think that was an accident yesterday for me/us. A touch of grace is how I like to percieve it! I have been tossing around the idea of posting what I am going thru to get some much needed support here. Alot of the time I feel that I take a persons post and turn it around to MY needs...kind of like what I did here. But, your reply for not knowing what I am going thru was right on! Sorry, something else I need to work on--

Your positive thinking was excellent! That truly IS the key. What we say to ourselves...the work is the hard part, but you KNOW the alternative. FEAR is very strong. I BELIEVE in you Lindi! You are STRONG,LOVING,IN CONTROL,INTELLIGENT,KIND, CARING,FUNNY***AND***can LEARN to LOVE YOURSELF SO MUCH that eventually there won't be room for the fear that you are experiencing now. Just keep taking those baby steps and I will be praying for you!

Love is ALWAYS the answer.
Sending a BIG HUG!!!
2~4,
rhythm

Hi there Rhythm,

Every time i read your new name, 'Rhythm' ~ i hear the music....and it's always those old jazz tunes. I know you mean the name to represent the breathing technique, but i hear the beat of jazz! Thought i'd mention that....okay, down to business............

You signed off with "Love is ALWAYS the answer". That can sound so trite, but when we really 'get' what that means, it's anything BUT trite, and if i could ALWAYS REMEMBER to practice this truth, life would feel very different, i am sure! So, all we can do is TRY TO REMEMBER.

With regard to what you said ~ have you NOT posted what you're going through on this BB?
If you haven't written about what you know you need to address, perhaps you could write about WHY you hesitate to write. I know that "I" don't write about ALOT of what i'm going through lately on this forum, because
sometimes it feels like TOO MUCH! If i had just ONE THING to say....but right now i could write a book! I guess i have that 'All or Nothing' mentality sometimes....i just realized this as i'm writing. I know that sometimes, if we address just ONE THING, alot else can fall into place....like a 'snowball effect.'

By the way, i didn't feel AT ALL like you took my post and turned it around to your needs! Not in the least! I wasn't looking for advice on "How to" for anything....i was writing as a form a therapy for myself this time. I KNOW what i need to do in this area ~ which is to practice letting in ALL my feelings, rather than 'shut them down'....AND to keep on giving myself compassion and unconditional love. What a full-time job!!! The Mental Health Department should PAY ME for the work i do!

And Rhythm ~ could you possibly compliment me more!! All those wonderful adjectives you used to describe how you see me! I'm blushing.....i don't blush really, i think i turn grey or green!

*It's interesting ~ since i've been looking at this whole thing of how i have always 'shut down' when it feels like 'too much' ~ i've been waking up in the night with thoughts that i never, ever have. I won't list them here...just to say i'm thinking of incidents in my life where i have become 'numb', where my deepest feelings went underground....memories of these incidents suddenly coming to my consciousness....to SHOW ME where i have been 'holding' grief, guilt, sadness, whatever has been repressed.
It's always amazing to me, that when i am ready and wanting to 'see' what i need to, in order to work it through....then i am presented with the material! I've always said, "The body knows".....the MIND is where we've gone our whole lives to 'work things out'....but some things can't be worked out with the mind....the BODY holds all the information we could ever want....everything we need to know, we carry within...we only need to have the courage to look. Okay, here i go again...thinking out loud. I'll stop.

By the way, how do you get those smiley faces...i've never used them. How many are there? I like the one that winks!

Hope to hear from you soon, love and hugs,
Lindiloo

Hi Ramona!

So great to hear from you again! While reading the post you just now made, i felt as if i was reading something i would write...i'm so glad i posted this topic!
It can be so confusing when we ask ourselves: Well, are these feelings to be ignored, OR is it important for me to go RIGHT INTO THEM in a way i haven't before? We sometimes want 'The Formula' on how-to-do-things! There is none! It's helpful when we can see the distinction between feelings that are bad habits which we really DON'T need to 'work through'.....and feelings which need 'attending to' and exploration. I think we can learn to trust our intuition here....just as you began to understand what you needed to do while you were writing about it! WE KNOW! We only have to LISTEN.
I have 'forgiven' certain people, first of all...my parents....WAY BEFORE i had ever even allowed myself to FULLY EXPRESS my huge rage and hurt. I would get near these feelings (in past therapy) and then feel GUILTY expressing them, cause I DIDN'T WANT TO HURT THEM! For God's sake ~ they weren't in the therapy session with me! They were 600 miles away! THAT showed me how enmeshed i was with them! And how little i felt i had THE RIGHT to my own feelings, whether or not they were REASONABLE!!!! FEELINGS are not REASONABLE!!!! I need to do this in order to heal MYSELF, it is not in order to hurt them!
Whatever feelings i have 'swallowed' in my life, have been 'indigestable'! And so ~ they have to 'come out' of me! Simple.
There is so much SHAME and GUILT around our feelings....for some of us. For myself, i grew up believing that my feelings actually had the power to destroy my family! What a pile of rubbish! I won't get into a long story about all of that. But that was the outcome. Whatever feelings are RUNNING OUR LIVES, OUR BEHAVIOURS....from the inside, need to be brought into conscious awareness, FELT (for as long as that takes) and then purged. I don't know of anyone who has successfully purged feelings, by 'telling themselves that they shouldn't HAVE these feelings!'
About not understanding WHY others could have done what they did....and that this makes it harder to FORGIVE.... Well, most of the time it's not possible to understand this, and you know what ~ even when we DO understand why someone has behaved in a certain way, it may STILL not be okay with us! We still don't feel we can condone their behaviour and we may not want to be around it, but we can forgive them in the same way that we forgive ourselves ~ they, just as ourselves, could not have been any different than they were, at that time. And if you can't FEEL forgiveness, just give it time.....it comes when you are READY. It can't be forced, just because it's a good idea or principle!
Oboy, i sure am in a talkative mood these days, huh? I haven't been, for soooo long!
On with the day.....lots of love and hugs,
Lindiloo

HELLO LINDI, WELL WHAT A POST IT MADE ME THINK LONG AND HARD,
BUT WHAT I THINK MIGHT HELP, AND YOU PROBABLY HAVE ALREADY SAID THIS IN YOUR POST.
BUT FOR EVERYTHING WE DO IN LIFE WE INSTALL A MEMEORY WEITHER IT BE GOOD OR BAD THING,
ALL ARE DAYS ARE MEMORIES EVERYDAY IS A MEMORIE, SO FOR ALL OUR PAST MEMORIES WE HAVE THINGS THAT MADE US (US)....
AND INTEL WE GO BACK TO CERTAIN MEMORIES. AND PUT CLOSURE ON THEM. WEATHER ITS RECIPICATED OR NOT YOU TRIED TO FINALIZE SOMETHING. THEN YOU FILLED THAT GAP. AND THEN WE CAN GO ON, FOR EXSAMPLE, I LOVE MY MOM VERY MUCH BUT IN MY PAST THERE WAS ALOT OF THINGS THAT I SHOULD OF SAID AND DONE AND INTEL I FINALLY OPENED MY MOUTH AND TOOK ACTION ON THOSE PAST MEMEORIES. AND TOLD MY MOM EITHER I WAS HURT BY THIS OR THAT, OR YOU MADE ME MAD AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE.
OR GOING TO SOMEONE I MIGHT HAVE SAID SOMETHING THAT MIGHT HAVE HURT SOMEONE AND SAYING SORRY FOR THAT. ALL THIS FILLS GAPS,
I HAVE TO GO BACK IN MY PAST TO FIX THE OLD ME THAT GOT TO THIS POINT, TO BECOME THE NEW ME, I PROBABLY AM RAMBLING, I HOPE YOU CAN UNDERSTAND WHAT IM SAYING IVE NEVER BEEN TO GREAT ON EXPLAINING THINGS, BUT IT HAS WORED FOR ME IM FIGURING OUT SLOWLY AND LIVING MORE OF A LIFE BECAUSE OF THESE THINGS IVE LEARNED. AND HAVE WENT BACK TO DO...
YOU ARE A VERY WONDERFUL AND VERY TALENTED WOMEN, I TRULY WISH I COULD EXPRESS MY SELF LIKE YOU DO. YOU ARE STRONG WOMEN AND YOU WILL FIGURE IT ALL OUT. HEALTH AND HAPPINESS , LUV TAWNNIE

Dear Lindi,

Sorry it has taken me awhile to get back to you...I have been very ill due to complications after having some surgery. In retrospect I'm sure it was the 'root' of why I was feeling the way I was. Nothing serious until now...I can barely read anything on here so I hope it makes sense!

I'm glad you think of jazz when you see my new name! The breathing technique isn't the only reason I chose this name. I love music too! There is all kinds of 'rhythm' in life that makes a person feel good!

To answer your question re: my postings on here. My life history is all here! LOL! AND I am so grateful for all the support here! The only thing that would be an update is that my husband is not improving and I am now becoming a caregiver. Plus, our house didn't sell yet and I have just relisted w/ a new agent. I literally 'wear the pants' if you read any of my old posts.

To use the little 'smilies' just look on the left of the reply box and you will see what's called the 'Smilies Legend'. Click over there and it will show you all the ones to choose from! Have fun!

I'll be taking a break from the BB as I regain my strength and keep moving along with what needs to be done. Numb or not I choose to keep doing my best every day. Life is too short and filled w/ love and joy, which I want to be a part of.

Take Care and God Bless,
*~rhythm~*




[This message has been edited by rhythm (edited 02-14-2002).]

Rhythym,
I hope you feel better soon. Here's sending you best wishes for a quick recovery. {{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}
Reena