i have ended a long relationship and am really struggling to completely let go, i find myself holding on to old behaviors and i can hear myself thinking "i know i could feel better right now if i really wanted to but i dont want to let go". Any suggestions on what i am feeling? is it normal to want to hold on to this relationship even though i wasnt happy in it and i believe it was unhealthy for both of us? any suggestions for letting go? anyone dealt with this before? any help would be greatly appreciated! thanks

Hi Jess,

Like anything else it takes time for us to work through change. Ending a relationship that is not healthy is good. I wish I were as far as you are. I would explore why you want to hold on to a relationship that makes you unhappy. When we have anxiety and depression we tend to hold on and worry about things we have no control over....The what ifs. Give your self positive talk about what you are doing for your self in leaving the realtionship and think about what the positive outcomes of your change are. You have recognized your need for change and acted on it. Now give yourself time to grieve the loss and move your life forward. Think positive and "new" thoughts.

Arlene

Hi Jess,

It is a struggle to let go of something familiar, comfortable even though we realize this very relationship is not healthy, nor are we very happy in it. It is scary to move on into the unknown realm of being single again, into the dating scene when something SO familiar is just behind us. The dating scene is very unpredictable, so it is just easier to slip back into familiarness, your comfort zone.

I dealt with leaving a toxic relationship many years back. Even though I KNEW it was unhealthy, I still longed for the predicatability, his love (when he was not drunk) and the fact that I was not going at life alone, we were a team. When things were good they were VERY good and when things were bad, they were VERY bad . But the bad outweighted the good, so I finally needed to make a decision. It hurt for months, I missed him SO very much and hoped he would stop drinking and we could mend things. What I was doing is that I began to only think of the good times and I was fogetting the bad. I longed for his fun, crazy companionship, because that is what I was lacking, my best friend that I missed. We knew one another inside and out, our quirks, our families, we shared pets. But there was a dark side too. I realized that I could not change him, nor could I wait until he changed, matured, took things a bit more seriously. I was at a different place in my life and he wasn't there yet. That is why when it was bad, it was very bad. That is why I neeed to move on and let go, and so did he.

Even though it hurt so much at the time, I know in my heart that it was the right decision. I do not regret it because I know this relationship would have just been one hurt after another, over and over again. I hope he has moved on and found his peace and happiness as well.

You will too. It is hard to let go of the familiar, like that worn out pair of shoes that are so comfortable, but the sole is loose and your socks get wet, but you refuse to put them in the trash because GOODNESS, THEY ARE SO COMFORTABLE!
Find things to occupy your time, go out with friends for coffee (decafe), a movie, miniture golf, find a club to join within the community OR church, volunteer; these types of things keep your mind off of dwelling on the past. I ended up D.J.ing with a friend twice a week at a club. (Like I said, many years back!) It was a blast! I met people, danced and made some $$$ doing it! Guys were pretty blown away at the fact a "girl" was at the turn tables! I also enrolled in a couple of classes at the community college, fun ones like drawing and painting so it was an outlet as well.

Time and patience does heal. Give yourself time, look foward to thing good things in your future.

God Bless. Liz B

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