Hi,
I was doing real good but I was always afraid that the symtoms would always come back. I set myself up for that one. Well, it's back and it really scared me. I feel like I'm losing it. You know, deep down I know I'm not. I like to scare myself and boy can I do a great job at it. Least I can talk to my husband, which I tell him how I feel and he understands. I come home from work almost every day crying, because I don't want to go thru it again. I am starting to get depressed, but I am trying my self talk and it works for a bit and then I get back to feeling sorry for myself. Will it ever just go away. I am going thru the tapes again and reading for the second time Panic to Power. The fear of it coming back has always been there and I talked myself into this one. My big problem was sleeping. I have been sleeping great for awhile, but would always wake up around 2-3 am and start to worry. Two nights ago I didn't sleep at all. So that scared me, because I said that I don't want to go thru this again. How do I get out of this cycle? Slept pretty good last night, but had a few small panics. I just want to be normal. I know that it is possible, it's like I'm scared to get better.
deb

Hi Deb! So sorry to hear that you are having a tough time. Hang in there -- it will get better. I get the feeling that these "growth spurts" are pretty common for those of us who have gone through the program and have tackled our biggest fears and anxieties. I remember my first "growth spurt" and how it scared the living daylights out of me! I was so afraid that I was going to go all the way back to square one. But you know what? I didn't and neither will you.

Are you taking care of yourself? How often are you listening to the relaxation tape? I had to get back into a routine of listening to the relaxation tape 2-3 times a day. How's your diet? Are you staying away from caffeine and sugar? Sometimes we start to think we're bullet-proof and slide back into some nasty habits. Are there any particularly stressful things that are going on in your life that could be triggering this growth spurt? I was reminded just the other day (by another bulletin board member) that I could either eliminate, modify, or underreact to my biggest stressor. Does this apply to something in your life right now?

If you find that you wake up at night and start worrying, take your favorite Attacking ANxiety tape and keep it next to your bed. When I would wake up and start getting anxious, I would put on my headphones and listen to my tape. I needed that constant reminder that I was going to be okay.

My biggest "aha" moment came when I truly realized that I brought the fears into my consciousness and that I could choose to float through those fears. When you start to feel anxious, do you bring the thought into your consciousness "I was afraid it would come back and see it has!" If so, can you counter that thought with, "It's okay. It's only anxiety and I know how to cope with it. I will just relax and float through the anxiety."

Hang in there, Deb. There are many of us who have been right where you are and we've made it past that point. Its just anxiety. It won't hurt you. When you get on the other side of this growth spurt, you will be a much stronger person. Keep coming back and let us know how you are doing.

Take care!

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Mountaingirl
come forth into the light of things ~ let nature be your teacher. William Wordsworth

Deb,

Maybe you ARE afraid to get "better"? Depending on how long you have felt this way, it may be more comfortable. Okay, I know it is NOT comfortable but the unknown is scary. I don't even remember when the last time I felt "normal"! Great that you are reviewing your materials again. The fear of it all coming back is the worst part. I wish I had some great suggestions or could be of more comfort. I am sort of in the same boat as you. Just wanted you to know I was thinking of you and I do understand your depression. It depresses me too - it is so frustrating when you feel like you may be on the road to recovery and then have a set back.

Take good care,

Wendy

Thanks Guys,
I am having hard time and work and I know that I need to find another job, but I have been there for 25 years and it scares me to have to start over. My therapist told me that I have a lot of bad memories at work. I was in a sexual harrassment suit at work in 1999. I went to my boss and told him that the supervisor and my one employees were spending to much time in my dept. The whole shop was talking about it and he did nothing about it until she decided to file a suit. My boss told me and she could take my house, etc. It went down hill from there. She was sueing the company for letting this happen. She told everyone that nothing was going on. Well, she lost the case, because the supervisor and her confessed. I worked myself into a panic. I was sick all the time, etc. My anxiety was always under control until then. I did apply for a job last week, so for me that's a big step. And everyone is telling me to go, just do it. I think that is all of my problem. It's my job. I hate going to work every morning. My company was just sold and there has been a lot of changing, which I don't like. I will keep you posted on my progress. I will be checking the paper today. I need to get on with my life and be happy. I know that my scary thoughts about me hurting my husband, etc and coming from that. Have to go get ready for work, I already have anxiety about going to work. Talk to you soon.
deb

Hi Deb57
I am so sorry you are having such a rough time. My heart goes out to you. Please don't be too hard on yourself. Remember to take extra special care of yourself. Go for a walk, have a bubble bath, read a book....I too have setbacks from time to time. You are not alone. It is great that you are going over the tapes again and reading the book. That is a step in the right direction. Remember it is just anxiety and it will not hurt you. You will feel better. You are lucky to have such an understanding husband. You will be fine. Take care. Thinking of you.
Lora

Deb,

Just a thought off the top of my head...when I read your thread here, the first thing that came to my mind was- fear of hurting husband could be connected to fear of losing job and house and whatever else you were threatened with...which would in essence hurt husband...? Perhaps just one of my creative thoughts.

I give you great credit for standing up and for looking for a more peaceful job...good for you, Carolyn

Deb,

Just a thought off the top of my head...when I read your thread here, the first thing that came to my mind was- fear of hurting husband could be connected to fear of losing job and house and whatever else you were threatened with...which would in essence hurt husband...? Perhaps just one of my creative thoughts.

I give you great credit for standing up and for looking for a more peaceful job...good for you, Carolyn

Carolyn - good enough thought to post twice! But seriously, a good deduction. I see some insight into a current issue of my own, so thanks. Tammy

Carolyn,
That makes a lot of sense, but that issue at work was over in December. and I thought that when that was over that this would all go away and it didn't. When I was sick I thought that I was dying and they couldn't find anything wrong with me. It went away for awhile and then it came back. I go scared and my husband got mad at me. When they told me for the last time that I was fine and wanted to put in on meds, I thought that I was crazy. I felt so alone and had a anxiety attack. That's when I started having thoughts of hurting my husband and if I was had thoughts of hurting him that meant that I didn't love him. and I just went from there. Do you have any insight into that?