i sord of got myself in a rut the last few days, and i am sord of ashamed to even feel like i do, i am loonely and i feel like i am going backwards...and i am scared that i will contuine to go backwards and get to that hopeless stage. i dont want to go backwards and i know that i am the only one who holds the key to my happiness and worth but its just scary you know? and i am sick of all this sh*t! i work so hard and i experince a little bit of peace of mind/happiness and then it is just like i am back where i started. and at times i feel like why do i even try? like seriously whats the point of trying? i know this is not good thinking and i guess i am just being negitive in advance. at times i feel so powerless so lost and i dont want to get to the point where i am so tired to even fight this mental illness, that i will give up and that is scary.
But after thinking and getting into the "program mode" and listening to tape twelve again i think that i am feeling this way because of my secondary gains...i think it is more scary to stand up for myself, more scary to listen to my heart and follow my dreams. maybe all my negitive thoughts came back because i fear that i wont achive my dreams, fear of failing and it is just more comfortable to stay in my stuck depressed/anxiety/victom mode because then i have all the excuses, for not taking the risks and following my dreams.
i really want to try and consontract and really practiceing positive self talk!
well thankyou for listening...
i pray that we all will find the strenght in our selves to find serinity!
love always, g
xoxoxoxoxoxoox

"i guess i am just being negitive in advance. at times i feel so powerless so lost and i dont want to get to the point where i am so tired to even fight this mental illness" [quote]

First I want to say that Lucinda explains that this problem with anxiety and panic IS NOT A MENTAL ILLNESS!! She goes on to say that we are NOT SICK....we are only thinking in a way that makes us feel bad.

It sure sounds like your main problem is depression. You need to fight against depression with ACTION. Make time for yourself to exercise even when you don't feel like it. You have to force yourself to do those things you feel you "can't" do or don't have the energy to do. You need to constantly "tell yourself the truth" and put your thoughts into proper perspective.
Write them down and then rewrite them realistically.

The last thing you want to is wallow in your misery. Misery only feeds off itself...so if you don't feed it....it will starve!

Just because you have a bad day doesn't mean anything. Maybe you just need to accept the fact that all people will have bad days. It just means we are normal.
I can't understand why you would think your depression is more comforting than getting better, but then again I am not where you are.

I think you need to just accept yourself and your feelings and move out in life and see what you are capable of. So what if you make mistakes....we all do. So what if you don't succeed at something.....you will succeed at something else. Life is just life and it's worth living when you can see it for what it is.

Stop pressuring yourself to be a certain way. Love yourself for who you are not for how you feel inside. Talk gently to yourself and know that you'll be OK.

Fight this fight with some exercise and going about your normal everyday routine of things the best you can, all the while, telling yourself how things are (not how they feel).

Can I make a suggestion? Keep going back and listening to Tape 12. For me it was the key that opened the door.

Negative thinking can put you in such a rut. SMears and Grateful are right -- get out and get busy. What are the dreams that you have that you are afraid to pursue? What are you waiting for? If you have a dream, do you have a plan to achieve that dream? If not, get busy and make one. Its easy to sit back and tell yourself why you can't do something. The challenge is to take each day, one step at a time, and make the most of it. Some time ago, someone posted on this forum and said that if they aren't feeling very strong or positive during the day, they just begin to act "as if" they felt strong and well. You would be amazed at how our thoughts control how we feel and how we perceive what is going on in our day and in our life. Don't look backwards and don't waste another day by not pursuing your dreams. Wake up tomorrow morning and act as if it the best day of your life. And the key is -- don't settle for anything less!

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Mountaingirl
come forth into the light of things ~ let nature be your teacher. William Wordsworth

[This message has been edited by mountaingirl (edited 12-03-2001).]

keep your head up i also had went threw the same thing you are feeling the last few months, and im feeling so much better, i thought that i tried so hard in the past and have done so much research on this (DISORDER)
not a MENTAL illness. that i was just doomed to remain miserable all my life...but that was the depression talking. and a excuse to remain at a stand still its so much easier to put are self threw all this pain then to actually just deal with the true problem and thats anxiety,panic attacks....when you can actually admit truely to your self that you are the true reason that you memain at this depressive state, and own up two that fact we do it to our selfs then it will get easier i promise. when i actually relized that i was causing my pain i actually got scared and said i cant be doing this to my self and when i put my trust in lucinda's hand and trusted the program i actually got more depressed. when i actually admited truthfull that it was all be caused by me. so if you also get aliitle bit more anxsious or aliitle bit more depressed dont let it scare you let it motivate for answers you cause it will i promise..it will seem real alien at first but i promise you follow the program and other peoples experiences from the forum you will get back on tract. i did and im doing so much better.
you are no differnt then anyone else other then we think in a negitive way.
but kept trying even threw the depression that was a big thing that was clouding my steps forward. every one in the forum deals with the same thing, we are all looking for answers,and we cane also relate to each others pain.. so always remember you are not alone. take care youll be ok. god bless
bye, tawnnie

thankyou for all your support and feed back. i really appreciate it.
and i have something i would like to share... i have been diagnoised for last five years with a mental illness. i am sychotic depressive which means i have an on going depression and at times i can loose touch with reality and hear voices which, are just negitive, and they tell me to hurt myself.(i am also a cutter, but i been cut free for since august 4th)i also have an anixty disorder on the side. which is a very diffuclut thing to deal with. but one day at a time i been over coming this illness...i am not a victom! and i dont regreat having to suffer it has only made me stronger...let me tell you something i been hospitalized three times and i am still taking meds and everything and i am involed in various groups and therapys...but they dont teach you any of theese wonderful beutiful valuble techniques that the attacking anxiety and depression program teaches you! and it is just a blessing!
thanks for listening. love always, g

angel,

God is the answer to ALL your problems. Whether you have a mental illness or not.
He can give you strength and carry you through this time in your life.

There are SO many biblical promises and they apply to you too!! You need to claim those promises for your own life!

God is there and He is real and He will help you if you ask.

Angel
When I get in those ruts I remember something I learned in the program. To treat ourselves like we would a loved one. A child, a spouse, a parent. What would I do for my child if they were in a rut? I would gently encourage them to keep trying to find interest in life. And if that did not work, I would insist that they join an activity and be with friends and others. Mainly because I know how isolation affects people. Too much time to think "poor me" thoughts and become physically and mentally unchallenged is a recipe for depression. Since my kids are young and living at home, I can inforce those rules. And hopefully instill good habits that will make life more fun and worthwhile for them.

So if I love myself the same way I love my kids, I gently encourage myself to get up and move, do something, get a few things done that make me feel good and productive for the day (like exercise). If after a little pep talk I still feel unmotivated, I force myself to do it anyway. I would never let my kids stay in bed all day, miss school, and moan about how life stinks. Because I love them and I want them to develop good habits for caring for themselves. I want them to enjoy life. I want them to know they are strong and capable and in control. Then I praise them and congratulate them for all their efforts. This is how I want to treat myself, too. I am just as important as my kids. If you do not feel that way, Angel, it makes your life feel like thankless back-breaking labor. Self love is the starting point. Work from the inside out.

Tammy