Have you discovered hope, started thinking more positive and made progress...by way of this program, as I have...and yet feel there is an important step forward that eludes you? Is it the fear of change? And why would we or how could we, be resisting the recovery we�ve hoped for and dreamed about...how could we actually Fear something we instinctively know is such a positive, life improving Change? It�s easy to understand why we would fear and resist a negative change and understandable that we would fear and resist an unknown outcome of change...but why on earth do we greet Positive change with just as much fear and resistance? I think I�ve just come one step closer to really understanding the pervasiveness and depth of this anxiety conditioning � and why even courageous people...do struggle with the fear of change...even the kind of positive change we desperately and legitimately desire.

What compelled me to write this post and share my thoughts, was a novel I just finished entitled �King Rat,� by James Clavell. The novel was a work of fiction, but here is a quick background on the Real author and Real story. James Clavell was a POW in the Japanese Changi prison camp, during the 1940�s. The following quote is excerpted from jamesclavell.net: � In Changi, 140,000 out of 150,000 inmates died. In other words, only 10,000 or one in every fifteen survived. Military accounts of Changi emphasize the total absence of any animal or large insect life in the area. There were no birds, no grasshoppers, because all had been eaten by the starving men. Clavell somehow endured a nightmarish three and a half years of internment.� Could you imagine anyone, feeling any anxiety about leaving this place?

Many years later, Clavell wrote �King Rat.� Needless to say, it detailed an existence, no one should have to endure. What prompted my new insight of Change...and what I thought would interest this forum...was the novel�s ending. When the rumor spreads amongst the prisoners that the war is over, when it becomes apparent they will be freed and when they meet their first liberator...Clavell provides a look into how change...even the best of change...even the most extraordinarily positive and most hoped for change, can be met with Fear and uncertainty...immobility even. Even the kind of change that promises a new lease on life...can at first be stifling and anxiety producing. The prisoners were confronted with how physically frightful they look to outsiders � and became self-conscious. They worried if loved ones still loved them...would they be accepted, how would they pay bills or even work...what would be expected of them...guilt over survival methods and thoughts, untrusting and uncertain of their future. Their routines, their mates, all the things that were so essentially important to their survival...a water bottle, a little hidden rice, the few (materially) worthless articles they clung to...could all of this suddenly not matter and have no purpose? Instead of feeling overwhelming joy...they felt worry, anxiety, guilt, incompetence and fear. Isn�t this remarkable...and here, movies would have us believe the fear had ended...not begun.

No one would blame these men their negativity...their life became one of basic survival...they saw nothing but pain and struggle all around them. They became what they had to become to live another day. But why was this not easily shed when the hope of freedom, a change they had longed for...had been answered? I think because anxiety takes time to replace and because change...any change...requires us to think positive, to see possibility. I�m starting to understand that when we get down on ourselves, because we stand before a positive change and feel fear...it is nothing but a further indication that our negative thinking is still working to hold on, and still working to hold us back. We are not weak or hopeless because we struggle to take a step forward that loved ones (and even a part of us) know will be positive...we�re just human and recovering.

I hope not to offend POW�s by claiming that living with anxiety disorder or agoraphobia compares with their pain and/or struggles. But I think so many similarities can be drawn between the story I just read, and my own experience of fearing change, when even in my heart, I know it is a positive, healthy change...one I�ve hoped for and survived for...and then given up on...and then hoped for again. The MWC has been like a liberator...and yet, often I find myself wanting to hide from the freedom being offered...not even necessarily consciously. At times, I am afraid to let go of those routines and patterns that I�ve grown comfortable with...my quirks (my materially valueless possessions) that kept me going during my own long struggle. Things that brought me comfort in an otherwise completely uncomfortable place. I worry about my appearance after spending so much time in my home, worry about where I�ll work and what I�ll do with the added responsibility. I was shocked to see the prisoners represented as anything but completely joyous and beyond description of relief...and yet, I identified completely with the myriad of negative what-if�s that began running through their minds...instead of the seemingly common sense thoughts of, �I�m alive and I�m free!�

And then you have the real James Clavell...a remarkable man. Quoting from the same source above �...In an interview with Bart Mills for the Manchester Guardian (October 4, 1975), called Changi his �university,� �a school for survivors,� one that provided him with �a strength most people don�t have,� �an awareness of life others lack.�
In other words, Clavell�s remarks reflect the prize and life that is possible for us, on the other side of fear. Easier said than done, but possible when we show ourselves compassion and support for just trying.

Clavell and others manage to push through that initial fear of change. It makes me consider the importance of not looking to the past in order to hold on to the pain, the importance of truly understanding that we are not, our prior circumstances and that we can change as circumstances change...that we can find freedom again...that change (even the positive change of our dreams) can be frightening...that it will entail challenges and require risk...and that having hope and seeing positive possibility makes those initial steps possible. All the things we do to ourselves...the negativity, the black and white thinking, the worry and guilt and what-if thinking...all these things produce not only FEAR of those things we don�t look forward to and feel we �must� do...but also FEAR of those things we �want� to do, those things we long to do!

When the prisoners first heard the war was over, they had a new fear...the fear of reprisals by their captures. For a week, they worried and perceived that moving forward was somehow more treacherous than staying put. And then the first allied soldier arrived, and they shied away from him, thinking it was somehow a trick...that he was not to be trusted, their sudden good feeling and hope was not to be trusted. And then the gates were opened and the guards removed...and no one even considered walking outside. This depiction of the prisoners, helps clarify some of my confusion over why I still find it so hard to push forward towards goals I know are healthy...and I think it shows I am still holding on...not quite ready to accept that the gates are open and that I am free to walk through them...still not quite accepting that the tattered, reliable possessions that maintained me (my quirks, obsessive thoughts, odd comforting routines), hold no value in my future...that I won�t miss them in my new life. It makes me realize it�s okay to be initially afraid of freedom and the initial changes it requires...because it�s a change like any other.

I think, like the characters in the story, at some point during the MWC Program, I heard the news that the �war� was over...and I�ve spent some time trying to understand what that really means to me...feeling that initial new worry of reprisal from the panic and anxiety...fearing that it wouldn�t willingly let me go. And then my first allied soldier arrived, in the form of the relaxation tape and I was afraid to trust it. And now I can see the gates have been opened. I feel my hesitation to walk outside, not quite sure the reality will live up to the hope, that the positive can be trusted, that a better life is a few more courageous steps away. There are days like today, when I�ve walked up to the gate and peered outside, and then other days when I just succumb to the comfort of my miserable routines. But today I feel like I�ve walked up to that gate and actually felt an expectant grin...thinking...what-if...what-if I step outside and never look back...wouldn�t that be wonderful.

I hope this perspective on change was also encouraging to others. I see more and more the validity and importance of finding our own compassionate, supportive and positive voices...for they are the voices that lead us forward and leave the worthless negative thoughts behind.
JOP

I so needed to read this today. You expressed yourself beautifully. Thank you.
Julie

Hey jbzelliott

Feedback is always nice to receive...especially when it's positive. I was beginning to think this post wouldn't prove useful to anyone but me...so thanks for making me smile today.

JOP

JOP

How wonderfully you interpret this sensitive issue. How magical when we can see objectively through these types of experience that our human nature is a real force to be respected in all it's intricacy. We are fearfully and wonderfully made.

I think one aspect we as persons with anxiety can overlook is this deep rooted conditioning that we are all vulnerable to - but I suppose some more than others. It is good for anyone housebound to first get comfortable with themselves in the "housebound" mode. Stay home where you are comfortable and like yourself in this way first. Always thinking, striving, fighting to get out of the comfort zone makes your cozy home look like the bad guy. It is not your home's fault. So many people hate themselves for not being comfortable or even enjoy getting out. It would be like me starting to tell my 12 year old son to start thinking about being out on his own and how he should be comfortable with that and look forward to it and not be afraid of it. Emotionally, he is not ready to dream about being on his own. It would frighten him. So instead I tell him how much I love having him home knowing that some day he will be ready to leave home. We, with anxiety, are not always emotionally ready to leave home. We desperately want to leave because it would symbolize to us and the world that we are indeed independent, alive, well adjusted, and adventurous. Big deal. More of a big deal is appreciating yourself in your home environment. Respecting that you have survived despite neglect and negative conditioning. Stop striving and fighting and pushing to get out. Learn to like yourself at home and the rest will come easier. I'm not saying stop working on going out, but stop only liking yourself when you are out and hating yourself when you are home. We all need security. Even if that is in a prison. It is our right to feel secure. My son knows I love having him home with me. I don't talk (like I've heard some parents talk) about that glorious day when he will be on his own and out of my hair. I like him in my hair. He's 12. As he gains independence naturally through self respect and love, he will want to explore the outside world. I will be happy for him and I hope he comes home to visit. But his desire will be to expand and learn and grow his faith by going out into the unknown world. He will be a warrior because he knows how to love himself and knows that he is loved by me and his family and God. He will not need to prove his self worth with independent living, but will hopefully desire independence to deepen his understanding of what his purpose and calling will be.

I will just add, that when I was fearful of going out, I kept myself in a state of anxiety hoping my self criticism ("you weakling, get outside and go to the store or something. Stop hiding at home")would be my catalyst to freedom. It was not. It only made me guilty and miserable at home and more uncomfortable when I went out. There is no shame in being comfortable in the prision camp. We did not ask to be prisioners. We were captured. Some of us at a young age. But, as your article so beautifully illustrates, the benefits of being free are to be focused on and trusted in despite not feeling ready or able. It is preferable to have a reward to gravitate toward rather than a punishment to run away from. You can make freedom look very attrictive and desired or you can make lack of freedom a living hell. I can paint a picture of independent living for my son that makes it look attrictive, or I can make living at home so punishing that he will want to leave. He will leave one way. Which one would be less confusing for him? I say growing his self confidence and desire for freedom.

I got off on a little rant there, but I have a passion about learning to love yourself just where you are.

JOP, I can apply your posting to my life today. Some struggles I have struggled with for a while now. I relate. The door is open and there I sit. Why wouldn't I want to be free? Doesn't everyone want to be free? It is so validating to know that we can only pressure ourselves so much. Then if we cannot walk through that open door, we must accept that we are not ready - emotionally, physically, mentally... whatever. Instead of sinking into despair, how about we pat ourselves on the back for whatever we can accomplish WITHIN our comfort zone with an eye and and a goal on the open door.

I know when my son grows up and leaves home I will be proud of him and happy for his freedom. But I too want freedom. I want to walk through my own open door as well as help him through his.
Your story made me very emotional about the prisioners and how their confidence and self esteem was beaten down by the enemy. No matter how beaten down or conditioned you may have gotten because of life's circumstances... there is hope. If there is a spark of life, there is hope and possiblities. Sparks can turn into flames. Nurture that spark wherever you are. Start small and do what you can do today to build your inner dialog and self esteem. Even if you just got up to brush your teeth in the morning - praise that spark! Love that spark. Protect that little spark. It is full of possibilities and dreams.

I hope this perspective on change was also encouraging to others. I see more and more the validity and importance of finding our own compassionate, supportive and positive voices...for they are the voices that lead us forward and leave the worthless negative thoughts behind.

You have encouraged me! Thank you for taking time to relay that story and some interpretation. (I love when others give me the highlights and insights of a book -altho I feel a bit guilty for not having to read it myself) There is so much here to learn from. Like you said, let us move forward.

Thank you,
Tammy

Bakedpears...you spoke to many things in your �rant� LOL, that for me are, closer to home than you could�ve ever planned. I started to try and sum it up, but just isn�t possible...so suffice it to say...your response and thoughts brought out a lot of strong emotion and memories. My short version would just sound sad and it�d take more words than even my normal posts...to explain how meaningful and encouraging your words are and how much I agree with them.

I felt very positive about the insight I gained from the story and I also felt so much emotion for those men. And I feel very positive about all you had to say on the subject...thanks! I�ve tried again, for an hour now, to semi-briefly relay how much I got from what you added...I just can�t seem to do it without sounding a bummer, weird...just too much background needed to show my point I guess. So, Mr. normally long-winded (that�s me), chooses to be brief...to keep the thread as positive as I feel, and you�ll just have to take my word that I got a lot of value from your response.

LOL...how many different ways can I say the same thing! Hope you are taking good care of your sparks as well and thanks for the message. My wife also enjoys hearing the highlights when she knows she won�t be able to actually read the book, but unless you fell asleep during my second paragraph...you and she differ slightly. Don�t think I�ll be sharing this post with her...hehe.

Best wishes
JOP

Thanks Justin ,It brought tears to my eyes,
I'm going to keep on trying.

JOP
Thanks for caring about my sparks.

Sincerely,
Tammy

Dear JOP and Tammy,
I cannot thank you enough for your posts. I've been having a difficult time with leaving the "comforts" of anxiety I feel that there is a more peaceful way to live but I can't seem to let the fear of change behind and just walk through the open gates. But your posts have given me new insights. I had been doing the course fairly well and just stopped at lesson 11 (i'm fine, I don't need this anymore; listening to the CDs just means I'm still "sick") Resistance can manifest in funny ways. I also am grateful for your posts because I feel that I'm not alone in thinking that it is easy to just let every underlying belief go and be anxiety-free.
And yes, if there's life, there's hope. I'll keep fueling sparky.
--Janet

stephen-canada: Thanks for reading and responding. And I'm going to keep trying right along with you. My best to you.

Bakedpears : You're very welcome...wish I could claim it was selfless...but I've benefited from some of those sparks.

Janet04 : Thank you. The responses have helped to let me know I'm also not alone. You're so right about resistance and how it manifests...and some days I just know, that it's actually more difficult to uncover these resistance's than it is to change them. Or maybe...they both take the same amount of persistance and patience and it just depends on the day. My best to you and hoping you find time to finish thoses cd's.

Thanks everyone
JOP

quote:

Originally posted by Janet04:
[qb]Dear JOP and Tammy,
I cannot thank you enough for your posts. I've been having a difficult time with leaving the "comforts" of anxiety I feel that there is a more peaceful way to live but I can't seem to let the fear of change behind and just walk through the open gates. But your posts have given me new insights. I had been doing the course fairly well and just stopped at lesson 11 (i'm fine, I don't need this anymore; listening to the CDs just means I'm still "sick") Resistance can manifest in funny ways. I also am grateful for your posts because I feel that I'm not alone in thinking that it is easy to just let every underlying belief go and be anxiety-free.
And yes, if there's life, there's hope. I'll keep fueling sparky.
--Janet[/qb]

"Resistance can manifest in funny ways."You are so right, Janet. It's so important to recognize this. Checking our dialog is a good way to tell if resistance is doing the talking. Using your example above, would you say to your child or friend: "You're fine, You don't need that [program] anymore; listening to the CDs just means you're still 'sick'.

The way to decrease the resistence is to increase the compassion.

Thanks for posting,
Say 'hi' to Sparky!
Tammy

Justin:

Your message was a revelation! And you certainly have the gift of being a very skilled writer. Relating the story about the prisoners really hit home with me and got me thinking in a whole new direction. It was like a light went on and it made so much sense. I have been so reluctant to give up my "safe" things because they have been with me for so many years and they have allowed me to "survive" with this condition. To give this up would mean I would be left helpless without all my safety nets. I knew I had to change, and I knew I would feel uncomfortable, but I never really knew the true reason why I could only change up to a certain point and then I became afraid. It was my survival mechanism holding me back. It reminds me of my husband trying to quit smoking. Cigarettes have been with him for years, sort of like a friend, being there when life got too stressful. I can't tell you how many times he has tried to quit but when he does try, he gets very uncomfortable and even gets spasms and his eyes twitch and he gets crazy. He knows it is bad for his health, but he is afraid that he will not stop thinking about it and it becomes too hard and he always goes back. Then he feels relaxed and comfortable again. It is so ironic that he has become so dependent on the thing that has been so bad for him. If he lets it go, it's like losing a friend. Anyway, this subject has really got me thinking and I thank you for the insight.
Noel

Noel
Thank you very much...I really enjoyed your response and your own very insightful comments. You said �It is so ironic that he has become so dependent on the thing that has been so bad for him.� I�m willing to bet, if he doesn�t understand the effort it�s taking to replace your anxiety...he�ll understand much better when you explain it to him this way. And while you�re at it, you can explain another skill vital to us here...the importance of praising ourselves for the effort and not the results...verses, beating ourselves up over the apparent failure to succeed. He�ll be much more likely...as will we...to keep at it, to keep moving forward, and to keep building confidence in all things. Thanks again Noel, for taking the time to respond.

JOP

Grateful
I appreciated the thoughts on using your �safe person,� and the blessing that �they� are. I do still question the �time� it�s taking me, and the amount of my reliance...and your words were comforting. On the positive side, the move towards questioning and away from beating myself into the ground...is something I myself have found reassuring. I�ll think further into my perspective of leaning on others...very interesting on Moses. I�m certainly more okay with it than I was, since finally asking for help by way of ordering this program...and really moving in so many ways forward, for the first time in my life. Thanks Grateful, you are among a group of people here, who very consistently inspire me to continue rethinking how to make the best use of the skills I�m learning...as well as encouraging the application of those skills already learned and understood. And between you and me...I might just start calling you StrongwilledGrateful...LOL
JOP

thanks Justin O. Pinyon That was just what I needed .I all so am now thinking that in my thoughts I expect to be thinking so possitively that it gives me some anxiety .So I think that I will just expect less from my thoughts I don`t have to go to the moon just to the next step. Alot less pressure there and a lot less anxiety. I can change just have to not think that it`s going to be this way or that way .I can step out and look.Looking is free.Yahoo !!!

Hello,

I am in a new relationship. This man is a great guy but I'm not sure about the attraction part. Sometimes I think I feel attracted and other times I'm not sure. I am 39 and have never had a serious committed relationship. This man doesn't meet all the physical attributes I've always dreamed of. We get along, but I don't have that wow I've always held out for. I feel so bad for all the time I've wasted in the past. I look back on all the lost opportunities from the past. How can I stop analyzing this to death and be happy and just accept what is? Why do I keep focusing on what he isn't instead of what he is?

Help?