Working on lesson 12. Having a very difficult time can not evan get past the homework. My problem is I am in sales and I travel to several large cities and find myself not calling on most of my customers, rather go shoping or the movies. I can not figure my secondary gains by doing that. I love talking to people but I can not get myself to see my customers.Any ideas? If I can figure out what my secondary gains are, I probebly can get an idea what lesson 12 is all about.

[This message has been edited by Karl H. (edited 04-08-2001).]

Hi Karl H,
There must be something there for the reason you do not call on your customers. It may be fear of failure, it could be taking on all that responsibility. Whatever it is the bottom line according to the tape, it is easier not too. I think it also is not having to put us through the anxiety we feel or the anticapatory. This tape is a good one, it really makes us take a good look at ourself. I am going to do this one for at least one more week. I know for me I started with all this stuff when life became to hard,and I felt like I no longer could do it. I didn't want the responsibility of taking care of everybody anymore. I felt subconsciously if I fell apart then everyone would finally have to take care of me.
I am in topic 3 under fear of driving. I feel so far that tape 3 and this tape seem to be the keys. We need to change our attitude, self talk, and I think recognize what we are doing to help us stay stuck.It is obviously easier said than done.
I am glad that I am not the only one having a hard time with this tape. It blew my mind the first time I heard it. I thought who in their right mind would choose to feel this way. Actually it made me mad, kinda.I guess we need to really look at it if is effecting us that bad, then it means there is some truth in it.
Well I just wanted to share some insight with you!! Bye for now God Bless, Backcomb

This lesson is difficult. Very hard to conceptualize. I don't feel that i'm getting anything out of my condition but heartache. The only secondary gain i feel i am getting is an excuse not to do something that scares me. Something as simple as calling a friend, or going into a sandwich shop. For me, calling friends is a big deal. Why, though? They are my friends. They should be happy to hear from me. I believe it is my low self-esteem. My what if thoughts just get the best of me. Even when i am doing something simple, like calling a friend, or even answering the phone when they call. Sometimes i'd rather be alone and depressed. Besides, who wants to be around someone who feels that way? What am i gaining from that? I don't know. Comfort? Being myself, all by myself? I have come to discover that isolating myself causes me to fall deeper into depression. What's a girl to do? Ay Ay Ay....... So, if my secondary gain is just a comfort zone and safe place where i won't have to make decisions or talk to anybody, how do i get out of it? Do i just go out and practice? I have done that. It does make me feel better to socialize with friends and family. It takes work. This program is working for me, but sometimes i feel like i'm taking one step forward and two steps back. One day i'm on top of the world and in control of my thoughts. The next day i feel like my old ways of thinking are creeping back and i get so frustrated. I hate it when that happens. I too will spend more than one week on this lesson. I will make an effort to think about my secondary gains. I will try to make an improvment. Take care y'all
Maddy