I posted something earlier about the Courage to Change and I've found that change truly is sometimes difficult. I'm hoping that someone can relate to this or has been through this point in recovery to offer some suggestions. Lately I have had a very strong realization that recovery from panic disorder requires a real change in behavior. I've also realized that there really is comfort in anxiety. Although it can be miserable, it is also familiar. Over the past week, I've felt a real need to move on and let go but am having difficulty with the steps necessary to get past the anxiety.

I have tried to remind myself that I need to be patient but I'm also fighting to take what feels like a big step in my recovery. I don't know if this makes any sense to anyone but I'm looking for some feedback from others who have gone through the program and have any suggestions to offer as to the best way to move forward when you feel like you are stuck. I feel like I'm looking at the me that I can be without anxiety yet having difficulty stepping through the door for good. Is it a matter of letting go? Trust? Faith? Patience? All of the above?

That's what I figured! I wonder why it is so hard to get past this point? I'm happy with the progress I've made, I know I can move beyond this, it just seems so hard to push through this barrier. Its almost as if I'm missing something but I don't know what that something is! Oh well -- I'll just keep on working toward my goal. Thanks Dena.

There are times in our lives when we feel that life has to be much more than this. All of us have dreams and ambitions. It is those times when you feel that there is something you want to do with your life, something enriching to your soul, something fulfilling BUT.......can you with all the baggage you are carrying. Isnt it time we lighten our load?

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There may be times when you feel sick of being sick. When you realise that you are the only one holding you back.

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You are suddenly given opportunities. Who says life always hand us lemons by the truckload. Sometimes good things do happen to us too. What then? We let it pass us by?

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All we want is some peace of mind, a quiet life somewhere. But we need to be happy with ourselves first before we can be at peace with ourselves.

Sometimes it is in those times when we finally choose to move forward. Ie we need changes too. It is like cleaning an old closet and throwing away clothes that don't fit anymore cos something has changed inside of us. We cannot go back to the past anymore cos we dont really fit in anymore. In other words it is time to move on........

Hi Mountaingirl, I know exactly how you feel.I did the program twice once alone and once with a coach. I just finished a week ago and I can say that I have learned alot however I am not recovered yet and that saddens me because I said 12 weeks ago this is it for me, the coaching program has to do it or me or else....... Now here I am not quite sure what to do next. Through both programs I did follow rules except I didn't do the exercising or the relaxation tapes. I could never sit comfortable enough to do the relaxation tape. Now I have to start back at the beginning and do the exercise, and relaxation with it I quess I don't know what else to do.. I can see the door and I can see myself through it I just can't seem to get there. This has indeed been the biggest challenge and struggle I have ever had to endure I want recovery so bad. Every time I go one step forward then bam another attack right out of the blue, and it still scares me, what am I doing wrong? Any answers would be appreciated. And Mountaingirl keep the faith and don't lose trust in yourself, you've done a good job, you will get there. Thanks for listening Nancy

Hi Nancy! Its nice to know that someone can relate to what I'm going through. This week has been one of learning for me and I think that I may have gained a new perspective on this. Please bear with me if I seem a little long winded. I can understand your desire to be over this condition. But you know what? I really believe that we have the power to recover and, through the tapes, we have the skills to recover whenever we are ready to do so.

I've spent some time this week trying to examine why I am stuck. The best conclusion I could come up with was that I was not ready to allow myself to be recovered. This goes back to the secondary gains issue. When we are truly ready to be recovered, we have to be ready to accept whatever comes with that - imperfection, responsibility, willingness to admit fear and failure. That is pretty hard for me, the "perfect child." Yet many times this week I've been able to see and understand that all of that is part of being human. What if I speak up and anger someone else? What if I make a decision about my job that turns out to be the wrong decision? What if someone who respects the work that I do sees me at an "imperfect," i.e., panicky, moment? In other words-- what if I allow myself to be human? The alternative, though, is really unacceptable. What if I remain panicky and anxious for the rest of my life? What if I allow my quest for perfection to dictate my life -- a life that is less than satisfying and fulfilling?

It feels as if I'm stepping into uncharted waters yet step I must. I must remain in the present moment in order to truly live. I agree with you -- this is the biggest challenge I have ever had to endure. But can't it also be the biggest adventure we've ever experienced? If you really stop to think about it, this is a perfect opportunity to learn to experience life as we have never experienced it before. We need to trust that we are strong enough to handle whatever comes our way. Certainly we should have some idea of how strong we are. After all, we've survived our own self-made "hell" for years. If we can handle that, we can handle anything!

Hang in there Nancy. Trust in yourself and who you are. It sounds like we are both equally committed to recovery. Maybe now its time to fly!

Hi Mountaingirl, thank you so much for your perspective and your encouraging words. It all makes too much sense. I will keep the letter and read it often. Thank you, Nancy

Hi Nancy -- glad to hear that my "ramblings" made sense. I tried to put things into action today and it went pretty well. I was faced with two situations that cause me difficulty -- sitting in a meeting and leading a discussion in a meeting. I was still a little nervous but I kept reminding myself to see it as fun and as an adventure. I think it helped. Letting go of the self-induced expectations is hard but as we both know, it is worth it. Good luck to you!