i need help! Ive been stuck on chapter 12 for four months now. i just can't see what my secondary gains are. i know i have them lurking in the back of my mind and i know that ultimatly that is whats holding me back from full recovery. but i can't get a grasp of them. somedays i think to myself is it a responsibility issue? an attention issue? an intimacy issue or what? maybe its a little bit of all? i'm in denial, i can feel it but i don't know what im denying and avoiding.

The only thing I can do to help you get the gist of secondary gains is tell you what some of mine were.

For one, I found that when I finally couldn't deal with all the daily responsibilities in life (taking care of kid, work, husband, house, parents, finances) I'd "crash" emotionally. Then, my parents and husband would see it and back off.

Well, I decided I didn't need to crash anymore. I needed to tell them in a nice way that I was close to overload and delegate! (I love that word - delegate.)

There are other secondary gains I could mention, but I want to be brief and I'm running out of time!

Helen

Ghada1:

Maybe it's as easy as saying to yourself, "The secondary gain I got from having panic attacks was a break. It wasn't something I consciencely did to myself, but indeed I did do this to myself. I did it to myself by lack of sleep, my diet, by overbooking my time, and now I know how to get better. I don't need that secondary gain any more."

This is a hard one for most of us. I still don't get it.

MOVE FORWARD.
I don't remember the program telling us to stay in one step until we get it.

If I never get it - - - will that mean I will never get over panic attacks?
HEAVEN'S NO!

Move forward and do the program over if it still haunts you.

I never much cared for that question in any type of counseling: "What's the secondary gain?"

The question makes us feel like we did this to ourselves on purpose to get out of something. Maybe we didn't do it to ourselves on purpose, but we did do it to oursleves. We did it to oursleves to stop the motion. We didn't have the skills to take control of our lives so "Mother Nature" did. She said, "Stop and take a break!" Unfortunately, we didn't know how to get back into control of our lives until NOW.

GOOD LUCK!

Betsy

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Always Hopeful, Betsy H.
Marietta, GA (East Cobb)

[This message has been edited by EastCobbGABetsyH (edited 03-23-2001).]

Hi Ghadal
I just started tape 12 tonight. Wow I sat there after I finished it and really thought about what it said. I thought it was really heavy. I feel for me I figured out this..., My dad died when I was 10 and my brother was 7 years older so he was never home. My mom could not deal with the loss of my dad so she went out every night of the week and left me alone til about 3 or 4:00 o'clock n the morning. I became the mother and she was now the child. My husband and I got married fairly young and his dad and 2 of his brothers were alcoholics and I tried to fix everyone cus I thought if everyone else was okay that would make me better. In the end I got so tired when I relized I couldn't help anyone, that I fell apart so I think someone could take care of me from now on. I no longer wanted the responsibility of taking care of everyone including myself. This is a scary time for me trying to get back all the responsibility and to feel like I am my own safe place. I have never felt that in my life. Although for years I was the one who did it all. I think I'm afraid if I get well I don't know what will be in store for me to handle this time. I hope I am making some sense. Like the other girl said to you I think we allow ouself to get like this without even realizing it for whatever reason. This topic was really tough for me. It makes you have to look at yourself square in the face and say What in the heck are you doing anyway? I'm just trying to figure out how to go foward and take those risks we all need to take for change and freedom. Do you have any idea just how you plan to go about it???? I know the only way through it is to do it. I pretty much know the reason I got this it's just hard for me to figure how to go about getting to the other end of the tunnel where there is light.
After you read this whatever imput you have would be much appreciated. I guess we have to just keep practicing and practicing on whatever or limitations are.
Well it is getting late so I better go, I will be looking foward to hearing from you, Bye Backcomb