I've been noticing something here lately and I wonder if others experience similar problems. Carolyn talks on Tape 12 about stepping through that darn door (i.e. stepping away from the old panicky me and into a new confident, panic free life). I understand what she is talking about. I can see myself on that other side of that door, yet I just can't seem to stay. I was thinking tonight of how I would be different if I stepped through the door and really "walked away" from my panic disorder. I came to the conclusion that I would be more outgoing, would take more risks with my music, would be very carefree and spontaneous -- all kinds of things! I can experience this rush of excitement when I think about it but I don't seem to do a very good job of sustaining that feeling by staying on the other side of the door. I also feel very strongly that the reasons for my difficulty go back to the perfection/fear of failure issue.

What I'm wondering is this -- is staying on the other side and being panic free a gradual process or a leap of faith? Maybe this seems like too much of a black and white analysis but it is how I'm feeling right now. My constant jumping back and forth over the threshold (going from old behavior/thoughts to new and then back to old again)has me wondering if I just need to have more patience with my recovery or if there is something that I am missing that will help me make the break from panic/anxiety attacks. Anyone have any input?

[This message has been edited by mountaingirl (edited 02-03-2001).]

Hi Mountaingirl
This is backcomb. Thankyou for responding to me about tape 4. I just read your topic on the barn door. It sounds to me you are really being hard on yourself. You sound just like me, it sounds as though you are not looking at how far you've come but how far you have to go. This is not an easy thing to get over, I think we have to get to the point where we don't even think about it. In some of the areas I used to struggle in now I look back and think how could that ever made me nervous. I really think the key is what we tell ourselves. In fact I know it is. I'm like you though, one day Iam on a real high, and the next it's like what happened. My main struggle is not to dwell on any kind of setback. That is so hard for me , because Iam so hard on myself. I need to be a lot more compassionate to myself. I went to a program years ago much like this called Terrap in Orange County and it helped me alot. It was a 22 week program where your spouses or family member or whatever went too. That was really good because it taught them how to understand. My main struggle is driving, I drive but very territorial. I was pretty much over the problem somewhat I was driving within about a 30 mile radius and I had gone a whole year without any attacks. I was driving freeway too. Then one day wow what an attack, Looking back now it was because at the time I didn't know I had low blood sugar. It can give you similiar feelings like a panic attack, when you have an insulin reaction. Believe it or not that took me right back to square one. I can't believe I let that one day do that to me. So I definitely know what you mean by the barn door. Whatever you do do't ever let any kind of setback do that to you. Just get right back in the saddle as soon as possible. Iam excited aboput this program, not a whole lot about knowing what I have to go through to get to the other side though.
I would love to hear from you again if you have any suggestions about driving let me know.Well I must go for now.
Backcomb

I can relate to the revolving door, Dena. That's exactly what it feels like. I get over to the side I want to be on but I feel like I keep going right on past it and back to the other side again. Boy it can be frustrating. I decided today that I needed to make a few changes to possibly help me get over this hurdle. I came home today from work and went walking. I haven't been getting a lot of exercise in and I think it has been somewhat detrimental to my recovery process. I've also decided to "act as if." I think it has been so long since I was actually "panic free" that I'm not sure what it feels like and it is a little scary. I will act as if I am panic free and see if it helps me to ease into the new me. Does this make sense? I consciously reminded myself several times today that I was calm, comfortable, and in control. I could be at ease, positive, and happy with life. Just reminding myself of that made a big change.

I think this addresses your comment Backcomb. What we tell ourselves is really at the crux of the issue. I can relate to your "back to square one" feeling. I thought that I was going to go back to square one this past summer but found that I really had learned a lot through the tapes and the work I had done with my therapist. I don't think I will ever go back to square one.

Hi Mountaingirl,

You can NEVER go back to square one because you can't "unlearn". We KNOW too much to ever go back. You may "slip" now and again, but I like to think of this as a journey. A winding path, and sometimes the path curves so sharp it looks and feels like you are going backward, but don't be fooled! We are still on our path, moving forward, and we will still arrive at our destination.

Chantal

Hi Chantal! I was thinking of your words today while I was at work. I had two lengthy face-to-face meetings with supervisors and those situations usually cause me some difficulty. As I headed upstairs for the first meeting, I found myself drifting toward that old pattern of behavior. I thought to myself, "you know how to lessen this anxiety. Just don't go there. See this meeting as fun, positive, productive, etc." A year ago I don't think I would have been able to even say those things to myself, much less believe them. The learning is there -- it is what we choose to do with it that makes all the difference. The skills are there -- it takes that "gradual leap of faith" to trust in myself and the skills I have learned. It seems that we retreat back to the anxiety behavior because we at least now how to deal with it. I dealt with it for at least 14 years. I've become good at it! I have to trust that practicing the new behavior for 14 years will have just as great an effect on me!

Mountaingirl,

How did your meetings go? Great I hope! My biggest stuggle with this whole anxiety thing is learning to trust myself. It's the only thing holding me back. I ordered the program 3 years ago and did enough of it to "get me by" I listened to all the tapes and used my relaxation tape every night, but I never really changed my thinking habits, so this summer my stress level went through the roof (3boys ages 5-3-1) moved 2 times in 3 months, trying to build a new home, bookeeper quit the same weekend we moved, and I took over running a huge company, not really knowing what I was doing, and problems with our bank.etc. the list goes on. Needless to say I got alittle stressed out! Now when I think back to it, I could have handled it alot better if my skills were there. I basically had to get to a really low point in my life to get SERIOUS with the anxiety problem. I am doing better now, but still feel unsure of myself. I am on week 3 only of the program, but I am really trying to put an effort in this time. I had a real aha! moment the other day...I thought "Chantal, you have to ATTACK this anxiety and depression, not just sneak over, give it alittle poke, and run away"! lol Anyways, so I have been really trying to change the way I think about things and use my spiral notebook. I have no limitations, so it is hard to CHALLENGE the fear, other than challenge the negative thoughts, which has really helped my depression. I just decided one day ENOUGH, I have to stop running in circles and watching MY life pass by. Sorry to ramble, but I just needed to talk, I think your are doing great, I follow your posts and everyone on this board has been a real help. It feels neat to read a new member's post and smile, because you remember when you were there, but now your not. Did that make sense?!? I smile because I can totally relate and I just shake my head sometimes at how one thought could be SUCH a BIG deal for me at one time, and now it doesn't even cross my mind anymore. Yes, I can definitely say I have made some progress, and that is a blessing. Take Care, and I wish you much success and happiness!

Chantal

Thanks for your feedback Chantal. I know what you mean about the feeling associated with other people's posts. The things I really like about this bulletin board are 1) I can relate to how other people are feeling and remember the times when so many things scared me and I really can see the progress I've made. And 2) it is so nice to be able to offer support for others who are struggling to get through the early part of the program and are second-guessing their ability to get over their problems with anxiety. I remember thinking some of the same things that they are thinking. Hopefully by helping someone else, I can continue to help myself with my recovery.

As for my meetings yesterday -- they both went well. Thanks for asking. Its funny how the mind works, though. The trust thing really is a big issue. When I am meeting with someone, I know what I am talking about, I can articulate my desires, needs, etc. very well, and can be progressing through the conversation without any difficulty at all. Then all of a sudden, one little thought such as "what if I panicked right now and couldn't finish what I'm saying" can knock me back a little and send the dreaded adrenalin rush coursing through my body! Thank God I know how do deal with it now. I just wish I didn't bring the thought into my head to begin with! I just need to believe that I won't panic in that situation and I will be just fine. I've only had one situation in 14 years of suffering from panic disorder where I left a situation because of the anxious feeling. And then I returned after getting a drink of water and continued lecturing to my class. One time in 14 years! Yet I've feared it thousands of times over the same time period. Silly! I just have to remind myself of this so that those situations will no longer bother me.

I like your idea of challenging the negative thoughts. I have begun taking that approach as well. Life is too short and too precious to spend it crippled by anxiety. Here's to a great weekend!