I have been in therapy now for a few months and have been working really hard on the issues that have been holding me back which include my anxiety/panic attacks. I know for some that this may sound kind of 'hokey', but I am really starting to find out how much the frightened, lonely little girl inside of me has really been the one running my life, and not the adult person that I have become. I have numerous childhood wounds that I have never worked through and have carried these wounds with me and have been acting them out to try to change the outcome and relieve the pain that I have been feeling. I am hoping that I will finally be able to work through this pain and learn to let go of the past and quit repeating my same behaviors. Anyone else have any thoughts on this or care to share similiar experiences?

I don't have any advice. I just wanted to say that I think its wonderful that therapy is going well for you. Keep up the good job you are doing working thru this stuff. Reena

wolf67

I have thoughts on this and I first have to say that after reading your post I find that your username (wolf) is such a contradiction to me. I am trying to say that a wolf to me is fearless and never lonely so I would never have guessed that you were feeling the way you desccribed. Maybe you sub-consciously realized this about yourself and that is why you picked wolf for a name (or I could just be out of my mind and reading into something that isn't there!LOL!!) I hope nothing I just said is offensive-NOT the intention at all-just an observation. Getting to your post...

I had been in therapy a couple of different times not really to any avail though. I also have many childhood wounds (we all do) but mine are more centered on self-esteem. I was always made fun of in school (all I'll say is I am 100% Italian and all that goes with it!)though I am kind of pretty I think, I never felt comfortable in my own skin, I worried about everything, I had my heart broken by age 9 and many times after...I guess I was always looking for something from somebody to make me whole. Oh and my name alone "Silvana" just made me cringe! No one could day it correctly and I was so nervous the first day in school every year b/c of this...how dump is that? And there is so much more I just would have to write a book to get it all out. You know we will work through the pain, we have no other choice. I can't live with all this stuff shoved inside of me so I don't. I have let it out and talked about it with my sisters and we can laugh at some of the stuff now but not all of it. We weren't abused physically though mentally who really is given all they need and all the right stuff from day one of life? I don't know anyone like that! I am learning as you are that we have to take responsibility for ourselves at some point and that is fine with me. I'd rather except all the bad things and move past them as opposed not dealing with them and DEALING with the anxiety they cause for the rest of my life. Do you agree?

Sorry so long, this post just got to me-Sil.

P.S. i hope i didn't go off topic!

[This message has been edited by Silvana1 (edited 07-12-2002).]

Just wanted to respond...

Reena - thank you for being so kind to me and giving me the encouragement to go through with counseling in the first place!

Silvana - if you saw my house, you would understand the 'wolf' username. I love wolves and have always been intrigued by them. I have so much wolf 'stuff' it is not even funny. Maybe subconsciously I want to relate to a wolf and what they are known for.

For me it was not recognizing that I did indeed have these wounds that I was carrying around. I was raised to never talk about my feelings, it was a sign of weakness to cry, you were not allowed to feel angry, you just had to put on a happy face for the world to see. I too have always been teased about my looks (I am a tall skinny redhead) and was always accused of being anorexic and adopted since I do not look like any immediate family member. So for me, going through therapy (this is also my third time) has been a real wake up call. I am finally giving myself permission to feel, and for me this is scary. I also have self esteem issues and have allowed people to in essence use me and guilt me into things as this is what my parents did, so it is what I am used to. I am not stuck blaming my parents for the way I am now, I just dealt with things the best way that I knew at the time (as a child), but these reactions have been keeping me stuck and not allowing me to obtain the things that I feel I want for my life. I am learning to trust myself (when I was always told that I was not good enough) and to change the way that I think about things as they have been wrong. Sorry, I did not mean to ramble on here. In a nutshell, I am finally (after 34 years) acknowledging my feelings and learning about who I really am and not who I have always been told I was. Thank you for sharing a part of your story with me. I do agree with what you said.

wolf

Well I thank you for sharing too! I am really proud of you for facing your fears. And I so totally agree with you when you say you are finally learning who you are not who you were told you where! Light bulbs are going on over my head!! Life is a journey, can be bumpy at times and smooth other times! We have to buckle up, giddy up stand up and keep moving up!! One last thing I wanted to say is that I heard someone say once (I think it was Oprah) that even though our parents did the best they could, it may have not been enough for us. No blame-I just think that is an important acknowlegement.

Take care-Silvana

p.s. do you have like lots of wolf nick-naks and pictures? they are so beautiful but I am partial to big cats!!

[This message has been edited by Silvana1 (edited 07-12-2002).]