Hi everyone

Well it's been an interesting holiday season. I got a cold, but I bounced back pretty good. I didn't let my mind go to that dark place. You know the depressing place that you go to when you feel sick and tired. So that's good.

One thing that I did on New Year's Eve was confront my sister. I didn't even plan on doing this. What happened was I went to my mom's house to drop off a gift basket on New Year's Eve. I was in a rush since I had dinner reservations out of town with friends. My sister was the only one home. My grandmother was also home (she lives alone in the in-law apartment attached to the house). So I saw my sister and explained that I was running late and couldn't stay. She kept on insisting that I visit Grandma for 5-10 minutes. I said I couldn't tonite, but I would another day. My sister just kept shaking her head at me in disapproval. Normally I would ignore this behavior from her, but now I just can't do it. So I told her that I didn't need her to judge me all the time. I got so mad and just vented all of my feelings to her. This was so frightening to me. My legs were shaking so bad.

Anyway, I confronted my sister for the first time. She has put me down for so many years now. It felt good to speak my mind, but at the same time very stressful. I've been so tired for days after this incident. I still worry about what my family thinks of me. I'm trying to change. Confrontations have always been very hard for me.
I feel like this confrontation knocked me down on my path to recovery. Yet, I know that I have to get over this fear of confrontations to get better. Oh, change is so hard. I still feel guilty sometimes for speaking my mind and sticking up for myself. I guess it's because I don't want my family to think badly of me.

Does anyone else get really stressed when it comes to confrontations?

It gets easier with practice. Plus we learn how to be assertive without all the emotional upheaval. And to keep our responses short and sweet, so to speak. Did ya pat yourself on the back yet? Go ahead. It took courage. Doesnt matter what the family thinks. It matters what you think.
Reena

Amen to Reena's reply. It seems to me that the biggest part of learning to be assertive is realizing that your thoughts, feelings, opinions, etc. are important. I used to hate confrontations, and still dislike them, but have learned that I have to take up for myself. You stated that you had other plans and didn't have time to visit your grandma. No other explanation was needed. If your sister disapproved, then it was her problem. You can go to visit your grandmother another day and you probably will. Your visit between your grandmother and you only involve the two of you.

Hang in there. As Reena said, confrontations do get easier with practice. And remember to learn to let go. Once you have confronted your sister (or anyone else for that matter!) move on. Don't allow yourself to revisit the entire episode. In my experience that just leads to a guilt cycle.

Take care!

I get nervous...but I am getting better. I am taking VERY tiny steps with this, but this is on my list of goals to work on this year. I NEED to be more assertive for me. I love me! Anyway, I don't do well at it, but I have felt better about confronting my dad, especially, about things.
Cindy

I don't have much problem with confrontations but I do, however, have much problem with the afterward effect of it.

I am the one that revisits what was said and who said what...then I start to question myself to see If I was hurtful to the other person, or to wonder if they will still like me, or better yet, what they will say about me to others.

I am also slowly learning that "letting go" part. It's not easy but I believe it gets easier with practice. That doesn't mean I am hoping for more practice opportunities!!!

Anyways, you did what you should have done! I know you felt sick inside and had those wobbling knees but this is the first step in learning how to control your anger while speaking the truth in a way that is respectful for everyone.

Not everyone will like what you have to say. But what matters is that you are TRUE TO YOURSELF!!

Smear
thats really it in a nut shell isn't it. BE TRUE TO YOURSELF. T think the biggest problem for people is finding who their true self is. Once they do, there's really no stopping them is there?
Sander

Thanks for all your replies. It's hard to stand up for yourself when you're so used to not doing it. Now that I've finished the course, I've been reflected on past confrontations etc. I realized that I've never stood up for myself. I was always the one who said nothing or let insulting remarks fly right over my head. Now, I'm actually consciously catching those remarks and realizing that I don't have to take them anymore. I'm just starting to speak up for myself. It's definitely stressful, but your right. I must be true to myself and respect my own opinions. I guess I'm just a work in progress.

quote:

"Bloom where you're planted." Joyce Meyers

Thanks for this Tricia!! It's so short and sweet but it sticks in my mind now and is a reminder to be content with where I am and trust that I can "bloom" right where I am. I don't have to wait until the right time or place because the time is "now" and the place is "here".