OK....I listened to this tape just last week as a refresher.

One thing Lucinda said was "what keeps you holding on? What keeps you from totally letting go from your anxiety?"

After thinking about anxiety for SO long, it occured to me that my thoughts were a HABIT! YES, even of the everyday thoughts about anxiety and the very topic of discussion. It also occured to me that I didn't want to think about it EVERYDAY anymore.

I wanted my thoughts to be caught up into what I was doing that particular day. I wanted to live in the PRESENT MOMENT...how could I do this while constantly thinking about "anxiety"?

So I asked myself..."What keeps me holding on to anxiety?".....

The answer was "NOTHING"!!!!

From that point on, I made the decision to "LET GO OF MY ANXIETY". I made the decision to DENY that it rob anymore of my thought life.

I changed my attitude to an attitude of RESISTANCE.

Knowing that I know the skills of this program and knowing that I can use them ANYTIME I need them now, knowing deep down that some days will be better than others, but now.... I have these incredible skills that I had all along but noone ever told me before; I can totally LET GO of my anxiety!

I can choose NOT to think about my symptoms, how I am feeling, how I am thinking, or how I may feel when I go into a particular situation.

I can just "BE" and experience every minute of it for what it truly is.

I don't have to live in the past or the future but I can LIVE FOR TODAY! And all the while, I can resist thoughts about anxiety.

I also remembered back on another tape ( not sure which one it was) where Carolyn said "they are only memories" , "that's the way we USED to do things".

I have found comfort in knowing that I can tell myself this EVERYDAY when I find myself wanting to focus on my "lightheadedness" or my annoying obsessive thoughts...I "STOP" myself and say
"NO THIS IS HOW I USED TO DO THINGS....I AM NOT GOING TO DO THEM LIKE THAT ANYMORE"....

Today was incredible day for me!!

Not because I did something that I thought I couldn't do....but because " I FELT INCREDIBLY GOOD inside and I WAS living in the precious present moment". I totally let go of my anxiety and trusted everything to God. I ignored my "OLD" habit of focusing on "what-if's" and "how am I feeling" bit and I totally "LET GO".

I played baseball with the kids today. ( I had 4 of them ( one of them not my own)... We played for hours. I then took them all to the store and bought them ice cream. We came home and I did some gardening, cooked an excellent dinner and then had enough time to sit down and watch a movie with my kids tonight.

One thing I noticed about myself and how I used to do things is..... I didn't LOSE one thing by changing my routine.

I USED TO rush around. I barely could find time to sit with my kids. By the end of the day, I felt so focused on getting them in the bath and then bed so that I could sit down and relax in peace. But inside I felt guilty because I wanted so much more time with them.

I noticed that now, with making the choice to sit down early with them and even staying up late to watch a movie, I LOST NOTHING!

I somehow, was able to get more done by not rushing around. Especially spending time with my kids. (?) Cool.

I guess, more is sometimes LESS. If ya know what I mean....

I am at a point in my recovery where I am learning how much control I truly have over my thoughts and how I don't have to spend my time being a loather when it comes to the topic of anxiety and everything with it.

I have learned that LESS IS MORE...and that if I keep going in the direction I am going, I will be completely FREE of this life-sucking problem called anxiety.

So what keeps you holding on to YOUR anxiety?
Do you still think about it EVERYDAY? Do you keep that MEMORY in the back of your mind as you go about your daily routine?

Share a little about your experience.

Sunset
On the main menu it only shows this part of your title: What keeps you holding on to....
and I was expecting it to read... RECOVERY! So as I was gaining access to the post I thought about that. I guess it's not much of a different question than "what keeps you holding on to your anxiety?"

The freedom to be in the moment with my family is big for me too. I enjoyed reading about your day playing ball with the kids and going for ice cream and then watching a movie on top of an already fun day. WOW. Lucky kids to have a mom like you. You are adding so much to their lives and yours. These precious fleeting days. Seems I cannot get enough of backyard cookouts, beautiful sunsets, backrubs from my hubby, and hearing my kids laugh. Wish I could bottle it up. All these things ARE my recovery. Living in the moment is my sanctuary.

Keep holding on to recovery! Wishing you and your family many more sunny days together.

Tammy

PS thnx for your thoughtfulness

Hi Tammy,
Thanks for the kind words! I listed to the tape again today and realized just how much work I need in order to get to where I want to be in life.

It's very easy to look too far ahead and become discouraged but I am trusting the Lord to guide me day by day.

The more I step out and walk through my anxiety, the more I am finding freedom.

I have my days that's for sure. Good and bad.

I wish your family more sunny days together as well. The kids grow so fast. Just when you get used to things being a certain way and become comfortable, THEY CHANGE!

The tape is right. Things are always changing!
I don't like change very much. Learning to change this part of myself is difficult but a day to day, step by step process.

Ecclessiastes 3:1-15 is a good reminder that "CHANGE" is part of life and we should expect it.

"There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

What does the worker gain from his toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on men. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil-this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him."

I think part of me holds onto my anxiety because then I don't have to face my fears of failure or people having too much expectations of me.

During my life as a child, much was expected of me. I was the oldest of 6 siblings and there is a 7 year difference between me and the second child. You can imagine the responsibilities that I was given at a very early age.

When I lived in Florida, I made the decision to become a home daycare provider. I simply told myself, "if I don't do well, then at least I tried". I gave myself permission to fail if perhaps it was going to happen. It never did of course but I found out that by giving myself permission to "not succeed", I let the pressure off of myself to be "perfect".

Somehow it seemed easier to challenge my fears in Florida. Perhaps it was all that sunshine!!
My seratonin was probably at a great level and the stress level there was alot smaller. I did things to relieve stress such as walking the beach and seeing the sunsets at night.

Thanks for letting me ramble. I guess I am thinking alot lately about what is really wrong and why I choose anxiety at times. I want to become really aware of myself and what I gain from my anxiety.

Thanks for your input and your kind words. They warm the soul.

Sometimes I think hanging onto anxiety is easier than looking at your life and saying, "Wow, I really screwed up. I really made some bad choices." Or perhaps we are still making bad choices. For me, working on forgiving myself is crucial. Not being perfect is all I need to work on. The past few days I have been really working on letting go of guilt. Guilt for past decisions and mistakes, and guilt for present day living. For me, learning to accept grace and compassion for just being me is what I need. I'm even learning to not let my kids control me with guilt. Thats a hard one. I have always wanted to be the perfect parent. My 16 yr old daughter tells me that I literally have a reputation with her friends at the local high school of being like the coolest dad around! She said that some guy she barely knows at school asked her about me.
Thats one of the greatest compliments you could ever give me, but theres a flip side to that. I have often let my kids control me, and lately I'm just letting em have it! They know all the buttons. So does my wife. So what if they dont like the new me....lol.
I often see my life as I would like it to be, and I think that scares me sometimes. Perhaps I use anxiety to keep me from all those changes. For example, I'm a 44 yr old truck driver. I would love to go back to school and become a therapist, or an attorney, or something where I could utilize this great brain of mine.....but school? Years of school??? What will othes think of me? What if I fail? Yikes!

What keeps me holding on to my anxiety?

Well, my mother is a great person, but shes definately got a lot of problems. I love her so much, but yet I find myself blaming her for anxiety and depression. I don't want to end up like her, always depressed, and yet in the back of my mind there is this voice that is telling me it's too late I'm already like her and this is just how life is.

Since finishing the program I have realized that no one controls my feelings except me! I have realized this is a fear therefore as long as I am not afraid of this fear I can continue to focus ahead instead of holding on to the guilt from my past. Blaming things on other people may numb my feelings but it doesn't help matters at all! Once I found that I could do anything I wanted to,with a positive attitude I am now learning to under react to my mothers problems, because this deep down is affecting me. Just this past weekend she told me I was self-centered, and had no sympathy for her problems. The old me would have put myself down and and continue to let her problems get me down. Now, I am able to stand up for myself, however, it is very hard at first to stand your ground with people that you care for very much, but I feel so much relief and never realized how much this negative habbit set me back.
Keep up the positive attitudes!

Angelkeys~

Angelkeys,
reading your post reminded me of when I was younger and living at home. My father was always sad and depressed. He tried to hide it, but I could see it. As his only son, I tried so hard to make him happy. I started to feel what he was feeling. Dont let that happen to you. Separate yourself from your mothers problems. Let her take care of herself and be responsible for herself. You can be completely different, and maybe she'll learn from you someday. Dont take on her pain, it's not worth it.

Thiefonthecross,
Thanks for the advice! I moved out of my moms house when I was 16 and lived with my dad for the first time and never saw how positive life could be! I learned so much in the four years that I lived with him and realized how I wanted to live my life. Now I am living with my mother again to help her and I'm also attending college.But there is only so much you can do, ya know?!? How did you finally begin to separate yourself from your fathers depression?
Angelkeys~

Angelkeys,
My father passed away in 1986. My sisters and I on occasion have said that in a sense, his death allowed us to finally grow.
I have my own battles with depression, whether I picked it up from him or not, I do not know. But it will help to stand up to a parent who is making you feel guilty or otherwise unworthy.