Can someone help me with Chapter 12?

I am having a very difficult time identifying my secondary gains. How do I go about figuring them out?

Hi,

I have seen a counsellor 5 times, and this last time he suggested something to me. He called it a shadow belief. I had seen a show on Oprah with Debbie Ford about this topic. The jist of it is, If you find yourseld stuck somewhere in life, and on a particular thing that means you are right over a shadow belief. This is some negative, self-defeating belief that holds you back from obtaining your goals. Listen to your inner voice (your critical voice) what is it saying to you?, what tone is it in? It helps you to identify where this voice comes from. Is it a parent? A spouse? An authoritive figure? You heard something somewhere! and you are carrying it with you today. If you can uncover this, it may help you with what could be holding you back and keeping you from fully changing. Just a thought.

Chantal

quote:

Originally posted by ghada1:
Can someone help me with Chapter 12? I am having a very difficult time identifying my secondary gains. How do I go about figuring them out?

Hi ghada1,

I think Lesson 12, Resisting Change, is one of the most awesome lessons and key to the entire program.

It's an aspect of recovering that is more easily overlooked or skipped entirely, even by professional anxiety specialists, because it does take some real effort, as you've indicated, to arrive at some insight.

As I see it, the amount of success with any program is connected to attitudes, desires, etc., about the perceived benefits and risks of changing vs. staying nearly the same.

Secondary gains may be thought of as the benefits of staying the same, while changing may be thought of as anticipated risks or fears of improving and recovering.

It may help to consider the following questions:

Getting Attention - Do you get comfort from others now and fear that may all disappear if you change towards a more independent person?

Avoiding Responsibility - Do you feel uncomfortable just thinking about changing and instead feel somewhat comforted one day at a time staying in bad relationships, jobs, circumstances? Do you fear expectations of you may rise beyond your control if you show any sign of improving even just a little? For example: If you improve, you may feel expectations and pressures to move on to other things you'd really dislike doing, such as a new job assignment, etc.

Justifying Dissatisfaction - Do you find yourself using the same tire old excuses again, again, and again instead of making some simple changes in exercise, diet, socializing, traveling, fun?

Blame - Do you tend to think everything and everyone else is really a large part of why you're the way you are instead of courageously taking control? Do you think others are sabotaging your progress, yet you don�t assertively address their concerns and fears?

Avoidances - Do you feel overwhelmed by changing things "too" fast, and wish someone else would come along and take care of it all?

Fear of Failure - Are you worried what you or others may think if you fall short of meeting some arbitrary, perfect standard for any changes you may wish to undertake?

What are you're "Problems" doing for you? - Painful as they may be, are your "problems" providing a certain sense of stability without risking some safety that comes with your daily habits?

If it�s confusing to see how those questions relate to your success in improving and recovering, or you�d like to explore the answers that come up, how about taking advantage of The Midwest Center Support Line?

According to The Midwest Center:

The Midwest Center Support Line at 1-800-515-1133
is available weekdays, excluding holidays, 9 a.m. - 5 p.m. USA Eastern Standard Time.

When calling, you'll hear a brief explanation of the service, an operator will ask for your name, number, and then schedule a call back. A support person will call back as soon as possible.

The charge for their time and expertise is $1.50 per minute on credit card, or $1.99 if invoiced.

The average call is about 12 minutes when you prepare written notes before the call back about goals for the call, specific questions, feedback expected, and a have clock in position to stay in charge of the time together.

The Midwest Center clearly states that their phone support services are not meant to represent FORMAL THERAPY. It's not meant to take the place of your relationship with your doctor or licensed therapist. Qualified, trained mentors are there to help focus on course work, a challenge, or a pep talk and reassurance.

The Midwest Center Affiliate Coordinator at 419-898-4357
may know of a professional anxiety specialist near you. Try giving them a call
weekdays, excluding holidays, 9 a.m. - 5 p.m. USA Eastern Standard Time.

Again, I think Lesson 12, Resisting Change, is one of the most awesome lessons and key to the entire program, and therefore may well be worth extra time and efforts.

Sincerely Russell

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I was born Gay-American and I am a divine gift of God to you today. There are safe ways to educate yourself and others about how such cultural differences manifest as anxiety and depression. The following videos are most highly recommended:
While online click here: Amazon.com video info: Growing Up Gay and Lesbian
While online click here: Amazon.com video info: Homophobia in the Workplace

Hi Ghada1,
In trying to "spy" on my subconscoius thoughts; i find it helpful to watch my reactions to things (before my mind begins to think)then i observe the first mental responses that begin to surface following the initial respons.

This takes practice;
Try having someone suggest candidly to you an issue that is known to cause you discomfort, try to catch your first response, then observe the inital thoughts or associations that follow.

Sincerely,
Sundee

Ghada1...Do not feel bad friend...I had been through the at home program now for months, I started it a year ago the end of this month. Guess what????? I JUST NOW GOT IT..HAHAHA..I believe it was Carol that said, for those that don't get it..go back in a week. a month...Ghadal...you will get it. What ever it is...it will come to you light a light bulb moment ;o)
Like I said, it's been almost a year since I started the program and yesterday 2-1-01, I got finally got it!! My secondary gains were not having to be responsible for alot of things.Or making sure everything went as planned..etc..
I have always been the take charge get it done person...until I was completely overwelmed by a lengthy child custody/divorce in the early 90's. I had put everything I had in this and within a month after it was all settled, when I could finally relax, panic hit hard...I figure it was my minds way of saying..no more Kim...enough is enough and with that I took it completely up and overboard. And so the story goes...I no longer HAD TO do anything, I HAD PANIC.
Hope this helps ;o)
Oh, by the way...this is a classic example of my avoidance behavior.(by me not getting it and admitting to it)
Lots of love~~Kim