I am interested in hearing about what other people found were their secondary gains for anxiety. I could relate to all of the "common resistance behaviors" in Lesson 12, but I feel as though I'm missing something. It's as if I went through this lesson the first time too detached - like I didn't experience it in my heart, but thought it to death in my head. I'd appreciate hearing what others learned from this lesson.
Thanks!
Patti

Patti

I took along time with that lesson also. I think my secondary gain was if I avoided doing things with friends or family and meeting new people I wouldn't experience any hurt from them. I just put up this wall and not let anyone in, that way I didn't get hurt. But now I see that it gets pretty lonely and life doesn't mean as much without relationships.

The tough part is getting back in to things because I created this little world for so long. But I'm going to keep practicing.

I also feel I have better skills at picking out the people I want to be with, less negative, more positive!

My secondary gains were tied directly to my lack of assertiveness. Because I found it difficult to say no (in fact, this is one I have to work on regularly), my body would do it for me. I'd get anxiety/panic attacks and feel just awful so I wouldn't have to go somewhere or do something. Where as, if I would've just been honest with both myself and the person asking me, I wouldn't have put my body through all that.

Great post, Patti!
Zair

Hey!! Zair, until now, I was couldn't come up with one secondary gain, but now I think yours is the same as yours! Thanks!!

Hey Lala,
did you read what you wrote? Just checking. Do I detect that you 'rushed' thru it?

I am STILL trying to figure that one out. I really am having a hard time with it.

Reena

Hi
Thanks for your replies!

Serene, I'm glad to know I wasn't the only one who spent awhile on lesson 12! I could really relate to what you wrote. I've been sensing for some time that I try to make myself "different" than everyone else in an effort to keep walls between us. But it never occurred to me that it would take me a while to feel comfortable with re-engaging in my relationships again. I also really appreciate your reminder to choose the people I want to be closer to carefully.

Zair,
Thanks. It's finally dawned on me that I need insight on these lessons from all you wonderful people! And I appreciate your response. I, too struggle with saying no - especially without feeling guilty. In retrospect, I think a lot of my anxiety and panic is because I've forced myself to do something I didn't want to do, but I didn't have the courage to say 'no'. Selling myself out like that only lowers my self esteem and I stop trusting myself.

Serene and Zair, thanks so much for sharing. You both affirmed what I'd been learning already, but I was doubting the answers I got from working lesson 12 because none of them were great "ah-hah" moments for me. It was more like a reminder of things I already knew, so I wondered if I was missing something in the lesson. Thanks to you two, I know I'm on track.

Thanks again - you were both very helpful.
Patti

LOL, Reena. You are cracking me up.

LeslieAnne,
Yep. I know what you mean. I had a heck of a time with this one. Took me a while to come up with a secondary gain, but when I realized it was tied to my assertiveness, I could really come up with a good attack plan for moving forward.

I STILL catch myself faltering with my assertiveness, but when I notice it, even if I've already committed to something I don't really want to do, I know that I can change my mind.

Patti,
Yep. That's why I so enjoy this forum. It truly helps to get that extra perspective from other people who've been/are going through it. This forum is such a valuable tool. Thank you for such a great posting!

Have a wonderful day all!
Zair

I'm not sure if anyone can relate to this but for me I found that my obsessive thoughts served as an effective distraction from any real problems or concerns I was having in my life so my payoff was that I did not have to experience the pains and frustrations of life in my mind. These thoughts were like a wall that I had built to shield myself from my real concerns. I guess this ties in with lesson 10. For example, a few months back I was experiencing some major family problems and some very cruel things were said so I would use my obsessive thoughts and dwell on them to avoid feeling the hurt and pain from these remarks.

mk1223,
Thank you! I can so relate to using obsessive thoughts to avoid experiencing my feelings. I thought I mainly used them to keep myself scared, but I didn't realize I was obsessing to avoid feeling. Yikes. I'm so grateful for your post! I get excited when I learn something new because I know more growth and healing are waiting for me!

I think the next time I'm obsessing, I'll say "stop" and check in with my body to see how I'm feeling. Maybe acknowledging the feelings will help stop the obsessing.

I'm sorry to hear about your family problems. I hope they have been resolved or at least improved. Peace and thanks for helping my recovery.
Patti

Hello Patti,

Thank you for asking about my family. Yes, things have improved tremendously. And it really makes me glad to know that I am helping someone else on the road to recovery. Lord knows I thought I would never come out of this myself much less help someone else come out of it. Don't get me wrong...I still have my moments but now I recognize what I am doing and know that this thought is a distraction from something else that is really bugging me or something that I subconsciously do not want to face.
On lesson 10 one of the things that really caught my attention was when this man named Mike and Lucinda were talking and they said that if you cannot figure out what you are distracting yourself from, just let it go. The important thing is to realize that you most likely are distracting yourself and try to replace it with something positive, truthful, and soothing. All it really comes down to is that you and I and so many other people have a really bad habit of dwelling and obsessing but it can eventually be broken. You know...I often wonder to myself how much more miserable I would have been had I not started this program. I honestly cannot imagine it.
God bless you on your journey and remember that you are NOT alone. We as humans need people to point things out to us in times of need and show us a new perspective. Take care.

mk1223,
I remember that part of lesson 10, too, but had forgotten about it. Thanks for the reminder! It's so true - I want to know "why" for everything and I hold up my own growth until I do know 'why'. But that's not a solution either. I don't always get to know 'why'.

I'm so glad to hear your family situation has improved. Do you find you feel less stressed?

Thanks for your insight. I can tell you have experienced much healing - feels good doesn't it?
God bless you on your journey too!
Patti

Patti,

Thank you for your compliments. I guess you could say that I have had a bit of healing in these last few weeks. There was something else that came to my mind today that I wanted to bring up about obsessive thinking because that still tends to be a problem for me. I'm not sure what your spiritual faith is but I decided to really start praying over this condition and today the thought came to my mind that I need to stop trying to prove that my obsessive thoughts are wrong. It's funny because I am a law student and we are taught to debate everything to death but with an obsessive thought that is the worst thing to do because it only intensifies the thought. Instead, I decided that I need to give these thoughts to God and let God take care of it. That reminds me of something I read in a poem a long time ago ... this person was praying to God to take away their pain and God responded that it was not for Him to take away the pain, but for that person to give that pain up. So in my mind I connected it with these thoughts. It is not for me to hold on to them and try to disprove or refute them and ask God to take them away but instead for me to let them go. These thoughts are lies and garbage and there really is no need to "prove" that they are wrong. It's almost like I have to tell these thoughts "I will not entertain you. I will not fight you. You can stay there all you want but I know the truth." Of course it is not always that easy but after a while it begins to stick. I know I am rambling but I just had this insight today and I wanted to share it.
The one other thing is something I remember Joyce Meyers say in one of her seminars a few months ago (she is a pastor and one of my favorites) where she said "I'm not where I need to be but thank God I'm not where I used to be." For some reason that helps put this condition in perspective. I need all the encouragement and insight that I can get.
Well, I hope this was not too long-winded and that you and all the other forum users will continue to progress in this crazy journey. God bless.

mk1223,

Your post was not too long! I got so much out of it! Wow, fantastic insight! I really like how you talk to yourself when you're thinking obsessively. "You can stay there all you want, but I know the truth". You're realization is what the aa & d program stresses - let go, float and it will pass. What a great example of not fighting the obsessive thinking.

I've worked for lawyers for 20 years, and the debating thing never occurred to me. Interesting. I wonder how much of that rubs off on me.

Amen - I wonder how often God has sat there waiting for me to give up obsessive thoughts or pain or hurts, etc. I've started thinking of Lent as a time to ponder what I'll let go of instead of what I'm "giving up".

I do consider myself a spiritual person and sometimes afraid to speak that way on the forum because I don't want to offend anyone.

I have Joyce Meyers' book, "Enjoying Where You Are On The Way To Where You Are Going". Did you get to see her in person? That would be cool!

I'm going to have to save your post. It's just what I needed to hear! Here's to our successes and growth!
Peace
Patti

Hi Patti,

Unfortunately I have not yet seen Joyce Meyers in person but I thought that once I was close to being done with school I would go to one of her conferences. She is an incredible person. Talk about overcoming obstacles! In fact I read that even she used to have trouble with anxiety. She said in one of her magazine articles that she would be getting ready to minister and this feeling would come over her that the day was going to be awful for no reason at all. It just amazes me how many people have this condition. At least we are not alone. I was telling someone on another section of this forum that when I purchased this program I was so certain that I was worse than anyone else and that no one could possibly have the same thoughts as I did or have as much anxiety as I had. When I listened to the tapes I almost fainted because people were talking about almost the exact same thoughts and symptoms as me! That was healing in and of itself. Just to know that other people are in the same boat. Thank goodness humans were not made to live by themselves on an island. This world may be smaller than I thought. I pray that you will continue receiving more and more insight and I am sure that you will (if you are not already) be an insight to others too. Take care.