Just a question for those who have gone through the program, have gotten a lot better, and have then had to deal with situations where your only memories are of panic attacks. I'm finishing a PhD and am at the point of preparing for my dissertation defense. (I REALLY dislike public speaking! I need to work on this!) Everything in my life is different from when I was attending classes in graduate school. It has been three years since I've been on that campus and now I have to return and defend the dissertation in a seminar room that was the "scene" of so many panic attacks. I'm finding it truly amazing how powerful memories can be! Needless to say, the MWC tapes are coming out of storage to remind me of some skills to get through this with an acceptable level of nervousness. Has anyone had this experience? I mustered up the "courage to change" and now I feel like I'm being thrown back in time. Weird! I don't want to relive the panic but the memories sure are powerful. Any suggestions?

mountaingirl,

You may experience an anxiety/panic attack during your speech but you must remind yourself that it's OK, that it's expected, and that your symptoms will rise and then fall again.

I had this feeling when I had to introduce myself to a group of women and tell a little bit about myself and why I was choosing the profession that I was choosing. I felt completely normal UNTIL this point. My heart raced and when the thought came to mind "LEAVE NOW"....I told myself "NO I CAN DO THIS" somehow, someway...I was able to say everything I needed to say ( although I don't remember much of it- LOL) and when I was finished, my symptoms went away and I was left with more confidence in myself and my abilities.

Pulling out your tapes is a good idea. Reminding yourself of the skills will prepare you again to master them in an uncomfortable situation.

Whatever you do, don't fight your anxiety and/or panic. Accept it, float through it, take deep comforting breaths.

Many people without anxiety disorders still struggle with public speaking problems. You are normal!!

My doctor told me that in medical school they took Propranolol Hydrochloride (Inderal) one hour before a speech. They had to make MANY speeches! LOL

If you are interested in reading more about this and the use for public speaking....
click here http://www.damicon.fi/sd/sd-propranolol-hydrochloride.html

Whatever you choose to do and whatever the outcome is.... you will be OK. Just do your best to prepare for your challange and be good to yourself even when you don't live up to your expectations.

Life is FULL of adventures and we are given many opportunies to face our fears!

Take good care of yourself!

Dear Mountain Girl,

Congratulations! Look how far you've come. I have been looking at the word "allowing" lately. What would you "allow" your best friend to FEEL?
Could you not give yourself the same?

Where is the majority of anxiety coming from? Dissertation? Campus? Material you need to prove? Memories? What can you do to minimize in each area?

Focus on, "I know what I know. I'm glad to be here. I'm glad you are here. Let me share with you. I know what I know." Add to this- subtract, make it personal and comforting to you. Repeat it over and over with breathing. Don't complicate. don't analyze.

Let us know how you feel AFter yoru presentation. Best of everything to you, Carolyn

Hi Sunset. Thanks for your reply. It made me think of a couple of things. Mentally I "know" I will make it through the presentation/defense and I'll be just fine. Now I just have to do it! I've just been amazed, though, at the negative thoughts and images that have coming flooding in within the last couple of weeks. Breathing correctly is so important. I become a very shallow breather when I get anxious.

I haven't heard about the Inderal but I was given a beta blocker (Atenolol) by a doctor when I first sought help for the panic attacks. It actually helps in really stressful situations. I haven't taken it in a while but I remember taking it before I had to teach my classes and it helped. The negative thoughts were still there but it was as if my body could care less! And that was good considering how fearful we all can become of those body symptoms.

I just received notice that my defense has been moved back to somewhere around Thanksgiving and I am amazed at how much more relaxed I am this afternoon. Hmmmmm . . . sounds like I've really been feeding the anticipatory anxiety! Still more work to be done.

Thanks again!
Pam

Thanks for your reply, Carolyn! Yes -- I have come a long way and I am really excited about how different I am from three or four years ago. It is truly amazing.

Your question regarding where my anxiety was coming from is one that I have been throwing around in my own head for the past couple of days. I was expressing my frustration with the rising anxiety level to someone and said something about how I have nothing but memories of panic attacks associated with the room where I'll be defending my dissertation. That led into an interesting discussion about association and memory and what was causing the anxiety. I don't want to go back into that environment and I don't want to put myself through the anxiety. But I guess I'm looking at it the wrong way. It IS just another practice opportunity!

I also told someone last week that I wanted to do this defense "honestly." What I meant by that was I want to "feel" the anxiety, recognize it for what it is, accept that feeling nervous and anxious is normal, do the defense without any drugs, and not allow myself to come up with some lie to cover for the anxiety. In other words, be honest with myself. I'm anxious -- its normal. I've struggled with panic attacks -- but I'm much better now. I can do this. I just have to minimize the anticipatory anxiety and the negative thoughts and believe in myself. I am a different person and I will do the best that I can do. I don't need to ask any more of myself.

Mountaingirl,
You are right about memories raising the level of anxiety. This happens to me as well. I think that I was 'traumatized' by my panic attacks and some of the bodily symptoms associated with them. It's like an 'imprint' of everything around me at the time and all my feelings, how afraid I felt, etc...
Why these memories alone have an effect on the present is a good question. I believe the memory awakens the 'basic survival instinct'. I don't know how you reduce the impact of the memories, maybe just with time. Claire Weekes attributes the significance of the memory to that like a person who witnessed a murder. Pretty traumatic and for sure not easy to just forget.
Don't focus on the memory or try and analyze it, acknowledge it and just let it 'be'.
You might want to go and visit the room a few times, sort of an 'exposure therapy' approach.
Good luck on your dissertation.

Hi Soccermom! Thanks for your reply. Yeah, the memories are pretty potent. I like your idea about going to visit the room. It just so happens that I'm planning to go on vacation next week and will be visiting Lubbock on Saturday(I live in San Antonio but am getting my PhD from Texas Tech). I think I'll run by the campus and stop by the room for a few minutes. It will be interesting to see how it "feels."

Pam