I find that one of my big benefits of anxiety is that it keeps me from getting close to people. Its hard for me to get close to friends, and actually be open and honest about what I think and feel. Dating is especially hard for me. I think part of it is that I didn't know how to be assertive, and I've been taken advantage of and hurt a lot by people I was more open with.
Since going through this program, I've actually told one of my friends about my past, which very few know about. I've had some really messed up experiences but way long ago. It was really freeing to tell her that, and realize that it really doesn't hurt much anymore but when I'm scared, my old messed up behaviors show up, because they're habit.
Why is it that so many people don't seem to have trouble getting married, and I'm struggling with dating? I can find a reason that a guy is not going to work out in a flash. When a guy seems attracted to me, or I'm attracted to him my anxiety levels shoots up, and I think the look on my face must say it all. Actually, they probably have no clue whats going on.
I also struggle with self image. I'm working on replacing these thoughts, but things like I'm fat, old, ugly, unattractive, plain. Its like I know in my mind, that I look like everyone else. I compare myself to other women (which bugs me) and see things about them I think is attractive, that I also have. Sometimes I look beautiful to myself, other times, ugly, and its all in my thinking. But its worse if I'm around an attractive guy.
I'm not using this as an excuse, but I want to share it. When I was in highschool, there was a guy I thought was really cute, so I smiled at him whenever he walked by. One day, and it happened to be my birthday, he walked by, and said to me 'stop staring at me you ugly f***ing b**ch. That was around ninth grade. I was shocked and numb. After that I was scared of him. He smirked at me in the halls, and I would look at the floor when I saw him. He teased me, and so did other boys. This went on until senior year, when (guess what?) he dropped out. My self esteem was so shot.

Hi Deb, I just read your post and saw so much of myself in it. We do give other people so much power over us, don`t we. I find that a lot of my anxiety is brought on by my obsessing over the fact that I don`t have the "body" I want, comparing myself to other women like you say you do. We gotta quit this! I am so tired of trying to "fix" myself into what I "think" I should be or look like. So I have tried to do without the sugar (like the program says) and cut down on the caffiene. I am alone so much of the time though, that all I want to do is eat, especailly sweets.
I also had bad experiences like you had with that boy at school, only mine usually can from teachers. I cannot believe that I still think about those comments. They were rude and unsenitive people and we should not give them anymore power over us.
I am trying to be kinder to myself, love myself the way I am and of course I pray a lot too. God always helps me through, hope he does you too.
Kaye

Thanks so much Kaye,

Sometimes I share these stories because I used to be so ashamed of them, and now they're not so 'powerful'. I've let a lot of it go. And I enjoy hearing from people like you because I really used to think I was the only person on earth who had problems. Now I know pretty much everyone does. Its pretty normal.

I do have a lot of faith in God, and thats fairly new. Its really helped me to be grateful.

Thanks again!

Deb

im afraid of dating too. i'd like too but im so nervous

Ooh can I join this dating-phobia club? Well, actually that's not so much a choice as I'm scared to date too. Dates feel more like interviews to me than actual moments of leisure or delight. And we all know how fun interviews can be.

High school was rough. I had a similar experience with a guy that I liked in junior high who once he found out that I liked him, started treating me like dirt. He would find any moment in public to make fun off my appearance or trip me going down the hallways. He was a jerk! I wouldn't want a guy who would treat girls like that anyway. Well, we got sent to the principal's office one day after he started a push-shove fight with me. The happy ending is that the principal was on my side so I got off easy. Ha! And Deb's creep-ola became a high school drop out. Happily ever after.

Here's to the nice girls! I'm stronger for it and I will move forward. Thanks so much for your replies.

Deb

sign me up for the club...I'm actually struggling with my weight right now which I believe is a way to keep myself from dating - kind of like self-sabotage. If I don't feel good about my body then I won't be out there & available to date which means I can't get hurt by someone again. So, I'm not dating which makes me sad and then I eat more. Not a good cycle.

Hey Mushu,

I do the same thing. I 'dress down' and don't feel great about how I look sometimes, and this keeps me from even looking at a nice looking guy. Its a good excuse to go shopping huh? And I can relate to the weight thing too. I eat because I get stressed out from work. Right now I am out of work so I am eating healthier portions and not snacking so much. When I'm stressed, I want to eat the house down after 6 pm. Someone once told me your self esteem will come from the inside out, but also from the outside in. I think theres some truth to that. I'll never be a covergirl, because I don't want to be. But I do want to have the supplies around, clothes etc so that if I want to look cute or sexy or sophisticated, I can.

Cheers,

Deb

You took the words out of my mouth. I overeat in the heat of anxiety and then I feel awful afterwards - physically and emotionally. It's like I am trying to fill up a hole but it doesn't work. I would really like to date but it's been so long I don't remember what it's like and I feel awkward. I don't know how else to explain it. I agree with what you said about feeling good on the inside as well as on the outside. I think they support each other. I have spent a lot of time working on the inside but the outside is equally as hard. In trying to give up negative anxious behaviors I think that, subconsciously, I don't want to also give up food. It's a comfort, albeit very temporarily. It's hard to give up things that are familiar even if they are not healthy for you.

Hey Mushu,

I think for me at least, I need to start gradually. How am I supposed to enjoy a date if I don't feel attractive myself? I just went out shopping today for some basics, and I wore something I thought was cute. I felt much better about myself. Maybe if I make more of an effort to look good I'll start feeling better about my own appearance.
As far as the eating thing, its much easier for me to be disciplined about what I eat when I'm not working. Its that stress. Can you reduce your stress? Gradually cut back on how much you eat, and reward yourself some other way? A movie, a book from the library? a call to a good friend?
Thanks for all your comments. It seems like I really get motivated by just sharing these things and finding out other women feel the same way. By the way, one friend of mine who has a perfect body and great boyfriend who I've been really envious of, shared with me that she has been really depressed because of winter here, and she really hates to be alone. I guess it happens to everyone! I thought she had the perfect life, but she's just like everyone else.

Deb

It always seems that there is someone with the "perfect" life. That's never the case, despite appearances. I think that, for me, needing to have everything under control and in order, has fostered my eating habit. It's like a reward for good behavior or something. As I have started to loosen the reigns on what I needed to control my overeating has subsided - it's wierd though. I find myself counting how many days/weeks it has been since I started to get my eating in order. Right now it has been two weeks. It reminds of me people who battle with alcoholism - I have had people tell me how long they have been sober. Eating is like an addiction in my opinion - at least for me.

Deb,

Although I am now 48 year old man what you have said in your posting brings back alot of memories. It seems as though it was only yesterday.
Going through High School in the 70's had its many challenges all of which was really not a whole lot different in some cases such as the jerk incident you mentioned above. I feel really bad for individuals like yourself that always seemed to have gotten picked on a little bit in school, we had a few as well and girls were not the only ones picked on but some of the guys were as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong in trying to be nice to someone only to have them (him) slap you down. That was uncalled for and hurtful. You have my sympathy.
If one was lucky in some cases they would have an older brother who would come to little sister rescue and clean someones clock but good. I seen that happen as well in school.
But in your case it didn't happen

What I would tell you is this:
ALL guys are not like the one you mentioned. For that matter MOST probably would not ever say something so cruel.
I will give you a secret:
If you want to find a nice guy watch how he treats his mother. If he treats them well and you like him he will treat you in the same way. And when I say that if he is good to his mother he will be good to you, or at least be close.
Guys as well should watch how girls get along with their Dad. If they have a good relationship that will usually transfer to the guy.

But as for your past I would encourage you to learn from it. Do not let it bring you to a position that makes you feel you are worthless as you are not. You are created for a purpose and you are a unique individual with your own talents and traits made by God and for God. Hold your head up high.
I am just starting to read "The purpose driven Life" and it covers individual importance.
Good book. If you can it might be worth a look

Now I am going to give all women here some advice on finding the "right" man.
I myself married a Menonnite woman who has been a very good wife for 26 years.
In Menonnite Churches Men are men. They are brought up well with good teaching and are taught to work hard, provide, raise families and be faithful. Alot of men in those churches almost never have work related poroblems as many of them are very talented often owning their own businesses.
I am not a Menonnite but was originally raised Catholic. But Menonnites seem to really have it together for the most part. The women are the same.
So what would I do if I was single? I might find the local (if there is one) Menonnite church and get to know a few of them.
Maybe?? Just Maybe?? Something could happen??

Hey, nothing wrong with looking is there?

quote:

Originally posted by Kaye:
[qb]Hi Deb, I just read your post and saw so much of myself in it. We do give other people so much power over us, don`t we. I find that a lot of my anxiety is brought on by my obsessing over the fact that I don`t have the "body" I want, comparing myself to other women like you say you do. We gotta quit this! I am so tired of trying to "fix" myself into what I "think" I should be or look like. So I have tried to do without the sugar (like the program says) and cut down on the caffiene. I am alone so much of the time though, that all I want to do is eat, especailly sweets.
I also had bad experiences like you had with that boy at school, only mine usually can from teachers. I cannot believe that I still think about those comments. They were rude and unsenitive people and we should not give them anymore power over us.
I am trying to be kinder to myself, love myself the way I am and of course I pray a lot too. God always helps me through, hope he does you too.
Kaye[/qb]

Kaye,

Sugar is such a simple thing to solve.

TWO eggs every morning along with other high protein foods and you will not even desire it a whole lot.
This is what they do for Alcoholics in many cases as they crave the sugar in alcohol.

But just the two eggs alone is super and it also helps those critical seratonin level. Lucindas course said to cut sugar but never said HOW. Plus Lucinda said to avoid eggs. NOTT!
Other than that her course is an angelic Godsend.

Again, the "The Purpose driven Life" is a good place to start. And go down to that next Menonnite dinner and look around.
They ARE good cooks. Yum.

Hey Jimp,

Thanks for the guys view of things. I really appreciate it and I'll keep what you say in mind. I do actually have A Purpose Driven Life, but haven't read it yet. I'll dig it out and see whats there.

Thanks again!

Deb