Well I have been going around and around with this problem in my head for so long. I am an obsessice thinker and what I think about is heart problems and death. I have been though the program and have had ups and downs but I cannot get a grasp on why I keep going around this same mountain with the same fears. It is like I will not let the good stuff in. I have delved, analyzed, let it be...and I can't understand how not to be afraid. HELP.

I can sympathize with what you're saying---TOTALLY. That's why yesterday I decided to spend some $ to hire a private coach from midwest center ... it'll be tough to afford but I'm worth it!

I need a BREAKTHROUGH vs tickling around the edges which is what I've been doing for years.

I've spent my life wishing I could send my brain back in to the factory for re-wiring and re-programming ... but haven't seen an ad for that yet! So I'm thinking this private coaching might be the next best thing.

I've been to 2 therapists which were good ... well the 1st one anyway, the 2nd one I could tell had the underlying sense, "what are you cryin' about". I should have steered clear when she said her primary clientele was paralyzed and severely crippled people. Not her fault, everything is relative & therapists are people too (I'm sure their environment influences their mindset like the rest of us).

Anyway, I found the weekly "1 on 1" I got with Connie (the 1st therapist) was very effective @ keeping me on track + recognizing my progress along the way (which I'm sure I would have missed otherwise). The only problem was her focus was on what SHE wanted to address (my childhood) vs what I wanted to address (my adult dilemmas). And I realize her plan was for the former to alleviate the latter ... but it didn't!

Anyway, in this site's chatroom the other day something hit me. What if I could combine the effectiveness of "1 on 1" with the Midwest Center's program (which I'm convinced takes direct aim at my own issues---the more I listen to the tapes//read this forum the more I'm sure of that)!

I just haven't been able to "get up the gumption" (my grandmother's famous phrase) to change. And what good is it if you don't -ACTUALLY CHANGE- ... that's where the rubber meets the road.

I can't seem to do it on my own I keep falling back into my old patterns, exactly like you said. I'm dancing all around the pot of gold but can't get close enough to snatch any out ... I need a longer arm here! So "wheel me in" (to the operating room) yuck, yuck. Hopeful my personal coach will be better @ surgery than I've been!

A month or so ago I actually woke up thinking maybe it'll take my getting fired (from a job I think I like, down deep inside) to finally change, maybe that would be enough "pain".

Then like I something in the chat room made me think how powerful would it be combining this program (which I'm convinced works IF you can keep going) with "real time" motivation ("1 on 1" therapy seemed to provide for me).

In other words I'm tired of being in "pity party" mode ... I want to CHANGE --- DAMMIT !!!

Sorry getting a bit dramatic huh! But the more I think about this approach the more I'm thinking it might give me the breakthrough I'm looking for. I'm happy other people have found success for themselves ... but now I want some of my own---NOW!

Excuse me I think I need a cold shower ... yuck, yuck.



Rick