I just finished listening to Session 12 and knowing that this is about change and about our "payoffs" it has made me start to think of where I am.
I finally today came to realize that I have had a feeling that I was never good enough (for what not only others, but myself) always expected of me or myself. And never feeling that I was worthy. Then after the past few years I felt that I was not what others needed out of me or what I needed out of myself as well.

I had felt that I had let so many people down and was never good enough for there love. I always felt that I had to be the best and give more than I could ever be strong or smart enough be give. Along with that I find that I have always been afraid that if I wasn't what I thought I should be to all that I would be such a failure. Never thought that I was as good at nursing as I wanted to be, never the daughter, wife, mother, and grandmother that they all deserved. I always feared that if they knew the real me that I would be not only a failure but alone. Under neath I always had such a fear of the ones I love walking away, and I would be alone.

The question is now that I know that how do I get past that? I have been asking myself today what I would tell a friend in these shoes.

AnnetteW, I would suggest that you go back and do the lesson on positive self-talk and the one on expectations again. Also, listen to the positive self-talk tape everyday. Keep it up until you can believe what you're saying. I might also suggest that you read Joyce Meyer's book, Approval Addiction. These things helped me out. I had always felt like I wasn't good enough as well. But, not anymore. Take care.

Annette, I believe the answer to your question, "Change, but how" is to learn how to change how you think. I confess that many of the thoughts you have expressed are some of mine as well. I agree with drg. Revisit tape 3 and 4 as well as tape 9.

My payoff for not trying to be who I want to be as husband, dad, wage earner, neighbor, etc. is the false sense of security of not having to face people or circumstances which are uncomfortable for me. But, in reality, by not trying, I have already failed.

All we can do is try our best. How others judge us is out of our control. We have to love and accept ourselves no matter what others think or say. If we don't we'll remain stuck and not change. If we begin to accept ourselves for who we are, not who we want to be or think we should be, and seek to live each day as we desire we'll find the ability and strength to live up to our full potential.

I would suggest that you are limiting yourself and creating conflict within yourself with the negative thinking which is going on in your mind. Such thinking can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. If we don't try then we have already failed. Therefore, what do we have to lose by trying? If we have lost the respect of family, of our mate, our children, of everyone, what do we have to lose by trying? It's certainly not respect or love if we believe we have already lost those things.

We can set our own expectations so high that we become fearful of trying, for fear of losing love and respect. That's what it appears to me that you are doing. You believe that family and you yourself have such high expectations of you that these expectations are crippling you and your self esteem. I think your expectations of yourself are way out of balance, way too high. We can only do what we are capable of doing. How about lowering the bar to a height that you believe you can reach? When you reach that height, then you can think about raising it a little, perhaps, but not until then.

annette- I've had a lot of resistance to changing and my anxiety has gotten worse over the last few weeks. I'm hoping that the saying "it gets worse before it gets better" applies here. Even though I'm on session 12, I still struggle with sessions 3 & 4. It's so hard for me to say positive things to myself and talk myself "out" of an anxious episode. All I can do is to keeping at it and practice. Eventually I'll break through!

I want to thank you both for your replies. I am really at loss on how to reply. Don you are right on the outlook.

I am the one that set my goals and was always afraid that I wouldn't measure up.....I am the only girl of 5 boys and I always felt (me setting again) that I had to measure up not to just them, but my parents always thought that I could do anything and be anything, and I was always afraid that I would fail them, not that I would lose their love but that I would fail them. They would be supportive of me no matter what I was, and I love them for that. They were wonderful parents. My Dad has passed sometime ago and my Mom is still my best friend. And if anything I am not as strong for her as I should be, and she always does nothing but encourages me. I love her for that, but one day I want to be more for her. I never wanted to be less than what they thought I was. From a young age I never wanted to tell someone "NO" or "I am not able too" and I know that I must change that and want to change that and I am slowly getting there. I have decided to put my nursing cap up and let my license be put to "inactive" and I know that has already been something that I am grateful to do. I loved nursing and never wanted to be less than the best. I again am not sure if I done that for the right reason or not, you know for me or someone else?

As far as loosing anyone, I have felt on 2 occassion, that I lost them and to be honest I didn't know how I would go on, you know that failure thing. Now I know that to really love some you have to let them go, and I found that in the most part they come back when you let them have the freedom that they need and deserve. With my grandson, his life has had things that no child deserves and I felt that I could protect him and replace the ones that left him and hurt him. Then as he grew up not knowing what he had been protected from he doesn't know what sacrafices was made, he doesn't understand the hurt carried these years or respect them. At 18 he thinks life just goes on.....I know that somehow we must turn the hurt over to our Lord, and I have but it still remains how it had taken a toal on the body.

Jubles one day we will surpass all this and won't we be better to ourselves then and for ourselves. I can say that my symptoms are not as bad as 5 years ago, but I am still waiting for the day that is "normal" whatever that might be.

Again I want to thank you so much for your reply it has defintatly gave me food for thought today. I am thankful to you both, because somehow you have gotten me to release more than I ever have to anyone and I am thankful. And I pray God will give me strength to keep on and the same for you two, but thankful for you as well

Have a blessed day.