I am, I have realized, Queen of the Land of Secondary Gains. I just wanted to share my experience to see if anyone could offer any suggestions, or relate.

I think that most of the reasons why my secondary gains are so ingrained is because I began to have panic attacks when I was very young. When I was 15 I was diagnosed with mitral valve prolapse, and, several months later, with panic disorder. As terrible as I felt, I kind of "learned" during that time that being "sick" was something I could use to get out of doing things I didn't want to do: go to school, do chores around the house, etc. While I never really *hated* school, and I always had friends, I always found school rather boring, and, with my panic attacks, I didn't have to deal with the boredom. I could beg my mom to let me stay home in the morning, or leave class and go to the school nurse and beg my mom to pick me up. And, that was it; I pretty much learned that there was nothing begging and tears and screaming and enough drama couldn't get me out of. I could hang out at home and read and sleep and see my friends when I was feeling "better."

Since I was a good student, nothing negative came out of it, except for my mother getting upset that I was bothering her so much. But, in truth, it always hurt my feelings that she wouldn't let me stay home *willingly*, and wouldn't pick me up from school *willingly*, and I think that my assertions that "No! I have to come home now!" were part of my fear that, if I didn't beg or cry or yell, no one would ever help me. I still feel like that, to this day, and I know that that is very trying for my husband. If we're in a restaurant, for example, and I want to leave, he resists. I know it's for the best, and I know nothing will happen. But, I'm then overcome by the fear that no one cares about me, and so I end up making a big fuss until I get my way.

Anyway, things have continued this way to this day. In college, I had a good time, but I had a built-in excuse for missed classes, late papers, etc.: I had a panic disorder. And, I'm sad to say, I used that excuse to the fullest. By then, my secondary gains were so ingrained that any small annoyance--a room that was too hot, a really boring teacher, a line that was too long--sent me into a panic, I think often because I knew that the anxiety was my "easy out." I could blame it on my panic disorder and not have to deal with the situation.

And, today, having graduated, I see myself doing the same thing. Usually, I'm GREAT at doing the fun things: going shopping for clothes, going out to eat, going for fun drives, going to the library, picking out videos. But, the *chores*, the things that I HAVE to do, I just can't: going to the bank, food shopping, getting gas for the car, returning library books and videos, doing the laundry, all of these things make me extremely anxious. And, I think it's because I still know that my anxiety keeps me from having to do them. I can get away with not taking on adult responsibilities--work, chores, etc.--because I have a "disorder."

The problem is, I don't do any of this consciously. I wish it were that easy. But, it is all very, very subconscious. I get anxious thinking about going to do laundry, and I'm not thinking, "Good. If I'm anxious, I don't have to do this dreary chore." I'm thinking, "I can't go. I might pass out. Or get sick. Or die. And I'd be all alone. No one would help me." But, in truth, I think that the first thought is a very big part of why the second comes, and why they are so hard to make go away.

I'm noticing this more now because, even as I have more of a handle on the panic, I'll use any body sensation as an "excuse" to not do things. No, I can't get a job just yet, I'm still a little "off." No, I don't think I should do the shopping while you're at work, I've been a bit "spacy." There is a part of me that knows that I have to push on past the body sensations, but, really, it's hard when you're only pushing past them to do something you don't really *want* to be doing anyway.

Of course, I realize the payoffs of recovery. Because, now, along with not having to do the things I don't want to do, there's a whole lot I want to do that I can't do. And, I can't have one without the other. But, after eight years of being able to get out of anything unpleasant or annoying or irritating or bothersome or yucky or even just not fun because of my anxiety, it's hard to change.

And, I'd like to say I'm working hard at it, but I'm not. I'm scared to face my limitations. Part of me is afraid of all the old anxiety worries, the bad "what-ifs". But, another part of me, I think, is holding on to this because I know that, when I do recover, I have to face the big grown up world I've been avoiding, and get my butt out of the house: get a job, do the laundry, return the videos on time, buy the groceries. Part of me wants that, but part of me also feels as if I'm not ready or able to deal with the "real" world, and so staying "sick" is more comfortable.

Hi Lori,

Do you think you could start out a little at a time? Once you get going you are gonna feel so good about it! I am still a little afraid of losing my job or being alone but I 'll tell ya I get a kick out of it when my boss tells me what a good job I am doing. Before I got the program, I was so afraid of being afraid I almost quit. Then I received the program. Man I am glad I did. Since, I have been promoted to Assistant store manager and got a pretty nice raise. I went back to get my Ged and my teacher told me after the pretest I was ready to take the test! She only taught me essay skills! I was so proud of myself. I was a little anxious when I started class.. and yes I thought "what if". Then I said to myself "hey you can do this!" I used the breathing excerises from the program and worked my way through the anxious episode. A few minutes later I was fine.

What I am trying to say is, what is the worst that can happen. Don't you want to feel free again? You know like we did when we were younger? It's not as hard as you think. I still have a long way to go. (Well not that long at least now I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.) I still have my bad days but man do I feel better! And it's because I am going for it!
Scared as hell sometimes but I always get through it and each time it gets easier and easier. Start out small and work your way up. You can do it! I know its tough, I've been there and still go there sometimes but not nearly as often as I used to.

Good luck!
God bless you!
Pam