Hi everyone,

Wednesday September 24, 2003 was my 1 year sober birthday! Yeh!.....for me. Being very proud of this accomplishment is the only thing that has kept me going this last year. This was the hardest thing I've ever licked in my life.

It's not over though, it's just the beginning of my new life. I still have to take this addiction very seriously , and for the rest of my life, one day at a time, I want to, need to, have to stay sober!

Starting this anxiety program seems very similiar. I already know it will be hard, emotional, scary, and a long, long road that has to continue learning, growing, and giving it my all for the rest of my life. One day at time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time if needed.

I know now that for most of my life I have been running, hiding, covering up the real me. This last year has been the scariest, but most exciting time in my life. I can't self medicate this anxiety anymore....I have to stare it straight in the eye and conquer this terrible monster, or I fear I will return to my old habits.

I know now, just like with the alcohol, I have to be willing to go to any lengths, whatever it takes, to take control of my thoughts, and all negative thinking, so I can save my own life. I know no-one can do this for me, I have to make it happen. But I also know that is what you are all here for and why God has brought me to this wonderful place to lean on. I really need this place and read here quite often just so I don't feel alone.

Even if no-one reads this that's ok too, I will use it as an outlet and to hear myself think outloud in a sense to monitor my own progress. It helps to go back and see what you've written sometimes to see if there's any growth. Or what changes need to be made in our personality. I've also started a journal...which will be more personal.

So far, I love the tapes, and am getting total support from my DH. He says whatever it takes to help me is worth it even though we can't really afford them...I will have to cut corners somewhere else. You can't put a price on your life and that is what it comes down to for me! I must have faith that God will provide a way for me to keep this program, if not then I will send it back in faith after my 30 days, that God will provide another way for me to get better.

This motivates me even more to know that every moment counts, I can't procrastinate my life any more, and there's no time like the present. I will be very busy this next month and have made a commitment to give this my all.

I will be reading and posting as often as possible when I need to and hopefully my experience will help someone. I deleted all of the "negative" subjects out of my favorites on my MSN. I am going to stop searching for physical ailments, and other obsessive web pages that were feeding this anxiety and adding to it. I have found my answers right here and in Lucinda's Program. I feel peace already knowing I have the tools to lick another "Monster" in the butt.

Thanks to everyone----love Maxine

congrats maxine on your accomplishment with alcohol i think that is so wonderful i bet that was so hard , you go girl!!!!!!
Lori (saralvsbrds)

Congratulations Maxine, happy one year anniversary! That is awesome! March, 1986 was my last time to drink and as each year passed I became more motivated to stay away from it. Cudos to you!

Hi Don and Lori,

I just wanted to thank-you for your replies and taking the time to read my post. It means a lot to me.

It was the hardest thing I have accomplished, but I did it. Congradulations Don on your accomplishment, was it difficult for you, and did you use alcohol to relieve anxiety or help sleep?
This is when severe insomnia started for me.

Of course I'm afraid to take anything to help me sleep...don't want to get dependent on something else, even emotionally.
The relaxation tape has helped me greatly,I don't even think I've heard it all the way thru yet, because Linda's voice is so soothing and relaxing. Plus I stay up so long, before I do finally sleep...I'm exhusted. The tapes make me wake up so rested though and feeling so positive.

Thanks again....would like to hear more about your experiences if you feel comfortable telling them. Maxine

Maxine,

I don't think my battle with the bottle and the can was as hard as some. I didn't grow up with it. I learned to drink in the Army when I went in after college at age 24. It didn't take long for me to become alcoholic though, about 9 or 10 years. I didn't drink everyday but did get to the point of drinking every other day and looking forward to getting "high" on those days. That's the only reason i drank was to get high in the last 2 years. I do think some of my drinking was anxiety related. I felt very scared and "trapped". I was associated with a very good Christian ministry and it was prayer and reading God's word that gave me the power to break from it. I also had a son born in 1984 and I didn't want him to be exposed to alcohol. I knew that if I did ever break free that I would not go back to it. It had that much pull on me. I felt like my very life was at stake.

There have been a couple of stressful times in the last 10 years or so when I felt the pull again, but I knew what was going on and I was not going back to it. I have attended a few AA meetings and if I had not broken from it I would have probably started going regularly. It is a good organization. Hope this weekend is a good one for you. Take good care of yourself.

Congratulations, Maxine, on finding the program and on your one year sober! I know what a tough battle it is to get alcohol out of your life, as I just went through it myself over the past year, and I've watched everyone in my family and all my friends have problems with alcohol. I started drinking when I was 13/14 years old, and that's how I learned how to function through some of the most critical years of my life. Now that I'm away from it and have been going through the program I've learned A LOT about what I was hiding, running away from, pushing away, afraid of, etc. At times it was exhilarating to have so many realizations, but it was also scary to have so many feelings that I had been neglecting for 10 years come to the surface. I was having a lot of guilt, sadness, and anxiety, and realizing that I had (or thought I had) barely any social skills unless I was drinking, or that drinking was a reward for me when I was feeling down, lonely, or lost. I thought that once I stopped drinking my lifelong depression would just go away. On the contrary, I was just peeling away layers to get to who I really am (and that realization kind of made me feel more depressed and hopeless!)

That was right around the time I heard about the program. And now, going through it, I have learned how to deal with so many of the emotions that were surfacing, and I have been able to take even more control of my life! I feel so empowered. I hope the program is a great step for you toward self-discovery and recovery, too!

Thanks StartingOver,

Congradulations on your sobriety also. It's nice to know I'm not alone down the road of new sobriety. I'm sure you know exactly how I feel. What you decribed is exactly what I felt about my drinking.
I was wondering if you have heard of WFS. It's a webite for women only overcoming any addiction.
It is based on exactly what this program is about. Changing our negative thinking, letting the past go,practicing positive thinking, and not being afraid of growing and changing.
Instead of like 12 steps of A.A. , they have their 13 statements of positive sayings. It's awsome.

Here's my favorite statement of the day:
"I AM A COMPETENT WOMAN AND HAVE MUCH TO GIVE LIFE"
THANKS AGAIN FOR YOUR REPLY--FEEL FREE TO E-MAIL ME....MAXINE

Thanks for your reply too, Maxine! I'll definitely check out the web site you mentioned--I've never heard of it, and I'm sure it will be really helpful. I feel like the more resources we have, the more we can discover about ourselves and others. Good luck w/the program, and like you said, be in touch any time!

Hey Maxine,

That is the best gift you can give to yourself particularly if alcohol was control you!

It has been 23 years (I'm 45) since alcohol has touched these lips of mine!

Keep doing whatever it is that continues to work for you!! In time, you will not even think about it.

Cheers,

Devad