Hi everyone! I hesitate to write about this type of thing which happened this morning, because it seems to fall out of the 'norm' for thoughts that precede panic attacks. I would LOVE to believe that everything i experience fits into the theory and practice of the Midwest program, because it really is helping me so much! I am a therapist and have been in therapy over the years, and so i have learned how to talk to parts of myself in ways that are very helpful and healing. It is that sort of thing i was doing this morning. Briefly...i have come to realize and to understand that (for me) at a very 'core' place inside of myself, i have always felt very uncomfortable being alive. Now, that could sound very strange. It has to do with feeling very 'freaky' being in a body (this only happens once in a while) and this type of feeling was what accompanied my very first panic attack many,many years ago, during my pregnancy. Lots to say here, but i want to keep this simple and not too lengthy. I understand that very early on, i felt i was born into a very hostile environment, and to "be me", my authentic self, was unacceptable. (as it was for many of us) Somehow, to "be here"...alive...felt like a huge threat, and so i retreated (so to speak) and played it safe. This is very hard to put into words. It was "as if" the essence of me, the Soul, found it too distressing to be in a body. (i hope this doesn't sound off-the-wall to you, because it really isn't....many have felt this) What i'm coming to here, is that recently, in practicing these lessons, i have been experiencing a peace and calm i haven't felt for a very long time. I realized yesterday that it is because this 'soul' part is finally living in a loving, compassionate, and welcoming environment, which i am now providing. No need to run away anymore, no danger here! This felt so fantastic and i was crying with joy. And i felt the sadness, also, that my own mother couldn't give this to me....not blame, just sadness. Okay, so this morning i was sitting in a relaxation mode, and i was kinda welcoming in this soul of mine (i do know how corny this can sound to some) and reinforcing how wonderful it is to be alive, in a body, etc.. I was saying something like: when you were little, you had to look outside of yourself for love and comfort and acceptance,etc.. It wasn't there. And now, you don't have to look outside, you can receive all of this "inside", from me. And then suddenly, i felt overwhelmed with sheer terror....i felt like i was being choked, claustrophobic, stuck inside. It evoked this feeling, which DID NOT COME FROM NEGATIVE THOUGHTS. I feel it triggered some memory (because i know that can happen)and i am afraid of where that could take me. I wouldn't want to 'go there' with help from a trained person who deals with this sort of thing. I know of many people who have (purposely) gone through past experiences that have been buried, because the repression of these things have kept them ill. And i know this might be necessary for me to do, but i am scared. Anyway, i was having a complete panic attack, feeling i would never come out of it (i always have!) and was feeling that 'freaky' thing of being alive,etc... and used every single tool the program provides. I believe i did this successfully, as i kept the level of fear 'down'....brought it down, with those 6 steps. Still, this experience lingered with me all morning. Does anyone have any comments they would like to share with me on this? As i say, i really did hesitate to post this sort of thing, as i never see this mentioned and i certainly didn't want to put MORE scary thoughts into anyone's head!! Thank you so much, Linda

------------------
Linda

Hi Linda,

I can really relate.

Almost on a daily basis,I feel that "freaky being alive" feeling. I never knew how to sum up this weird feeling in words but "freaky being alive" really sums it up. It's a very vulnerable feeling.Sometimes it bothers me more than others and boy!when I really start to analyze that feeling I go into the most immense panic.I hate that feeling, especially with the spaciness, etc it makes me really think I MUST be crazy.

Anyway, I can plainly see why you panicked at that moment. Although you weren't thinking negative thoughts that would obviously induce panic, you were welcoming in your soul and speaking to the child within in a moment of spiritual healing. In effect, your emotions were left wide open and vulnerable. This is a good thing. I picture it like you were facing your panic and fears by saying "My world is safe,I'm no longer afraid and I realize that there is no danger" and like Carolyn said somewhere else in the forum, just before your panics go away for good and true healing begins, your body will make sure you really will handle whatever it throws at you.

So when you say "my world is safe, I'm no longer afraid, and I realize there is no danger" your body says "ok, prove it" Thus, the immense panic. It's so clear looking in on other people's stories, I just wish I could understand my own symptoms,etc as easily.

I went through something similar last week. I was using the techniques of floating and accepting my symptoms and I could actually see true healing just over the horizon. I felt great. Then I had a panic attack worse than any other I had ever had before and it sent me running for the Klonopin and running from the symptoms, it put me almost back at square one. Had I just realized that my body is just checking to see if I can really accept whatever it throws at me before true healing can begin, I would have better been able to continue accepting and floating.

Hope this helps!

Angela

Dear Angela, I want to thank you so much for your reply. I have never, in all these years, read about or talked with someone who has panic attacks, who experiences this 'terror of existence' state of being. Where i HAVE read about this sort of state has been in 'out of the mainstream'psychology: brilliant psychologists like Stanislov Grof, Carl Jung and others...those who understand that there is more to us than meets the eye. Transpersonal psychotherapy comprehends this sort of thing, and treats it with great respect, calling it a 'spiritual emergency'...which means that something is emerging which needs to be gone through, and also that it 'feels' like an emergency! I have had opportunity to embark on this type of journey with a fabulous therapist and have put it off. I am giving all i have to this Midwest Centre program, because if i ever decide i need to go that route (the one i just mentioned) then i want to feel much more grounded and to KNOW and FEEL that i have some control and that i will land on my feet. It was wonderful to read your term of 'spiritual healing', because that is what it is. Your comprehension of what i was talking about is so much appreciated by me. When i was telling myself (my soul) that it is welcome in and that it is now safe because i am here to love and care for it....that is when the terror happened. Because the main feeling was claustrophobia....like: "you mean it's just you and me, inside here, and nobody out there to go to??!!" That kind of thing. I can see, as i write this, why that would be frightening, when i have always gone to someone 'out there' or some place 'out there' for protection. I felt stuck in my body!! Which was the very first feeling i felt when i had the very first attack so many years ago. Only this would be for an entirely different reason. Anyway, i don't mean to go on and on. Enough said. Thank you sincerely for your kindness and empathy. I hope for the day we are completely free of this. I dealt with it quite well this morning, all things considered. Perhaps we can support one another now and again. Take good care, Linda

------------------
Linda

Hi! It's the next day now, and i'd like to say a few words about yesterday's experience. I really DID handle that very well...and i've told myself that many,many times. I realize that even IF that area is one which i need to delve into at some point, the very important thing for me, right now, is to discover that I can control what happens which is terrifying. This is essential to me. Just the practical learning and practicing of controlling the thoughts and feelings....not by sending them away, but by welcoming them in, allowing them to be there and comforting myself. The breathing helps soooo much. The thing is: I need to know that if and when these bizarre states arise, i am perfectly capable of calming myself. I want to know that i can CHOOSE when i will decide to delve deeper. I don't want this just 'happening' to me right now. (perhaps that is a negative kind of controlling, i'm not sure) But to experience that i myself can choose...is a powerful thing! ***This morning, before i went into the bath again (where this thing happened yesterday) i was afraid it could happen again. And then i remembered: It's not the bath, it's not the street out there, it's not the subway (which i have not taken for over 20 yrs.) it's ALL about your thoughts and feelings. I got into that bath, ready for anything. I decided to invoke the scary thoughts and there it was.....thought...emotions...chemical reactions. Horrible! And i made myself practice the steps right then and there. I brought on the whole thing ON PURPOSE in order to practice at home. I might keep doing this sort of thing.....as said, the body doesn't know the difference between whether you're outdoor or indoors. So, i imagined myself in the worst scenario i had years back at a subway station which was situated over a highway. (i was over-the-top with beyond full blown attack, shaking involuntarily, could not feel my body, needed to get out of this body NOW!!! i had grabbed the hand of a complete stranger, whose face i never did see and begged her to call somebody to come and get me. It was a nightmare. So, i imagined this scenario and got myself worked up and then practiced the tools, in a place i still perceive as safe, which is home. Thought i might share that with you as a possible practice. I FELT the impossibility of overcoming all of this one day....but i BELIEVE and am starting to TRUST than i can! One day i will probably be grateful for the terrifying times, like the one i had yesterday. Have a peaceful day everyone! love.....Linda


------------------
Linda

Very inspiring Linda! I'm going to try to muster up the courage to try invoking the symptoms, or at the very least, just allowing them to be there and comfort myself.

I also grew up in a very hostile environment where it was not safe to be my authentic self. My main goal each day was just to survive. I never even knew what hobbies, etc I truly enjoyed until last year when I started taking photography and painting classes. I feel that this has somewhat nurtured my spirit but I still feel that something big is still missing.

I just wanted to ask you if you have any insight about Burn's Adaptive Child/Rebellious Child,Adult, Parent egos?
I just started seeing a new psychologist today and she said that my "adaptive child" and "parent" conflict in stressful/conflict situations which causes me to have immense panic attacks sometimes. I don't understand what this means and am scared that I must have some terrible problem way beyond the bounds of anxiety. Do you have any insight?

Angela

Angela, hi! First of all, i am sorry that you became frightened by what you were told today. You shouldn't have to be spending your time trying to figure out what all that meant (what the psychologist told you). NO, you do not have some terrible problem way beyond,etc.. I, personally, believe seeing yourself in terms of these 'labels' is not helpful and presents you with some sort of stigma! Yes, inside us are different aspects...like a part that adapts, a rebellious part, an adult, a parent(the way our own parents treated us, we tend to treat ourselves, until we undo that). It is interesting to read about all of that, in order to understand about how we work inside, what caused us to become the way we are,etc.. Often understanding comes before change. BUT it sounds like being handed these 'labels' was not helpful in the least. It's much more helpful when someone working with you regards you as an individual and helps you to look at 'what's going on within you', how you talk to yourself, what your deeply held beliefs are, what emotions you are carefully protecting,etc... You mention the 'adaptive child and parent conflict' that occurs in stressful situations. Were you talking of when you are with someone that seems to be playing a parental role with you, and you react as you always have, adapting...in order to please? I know that one....i still have that with one particular individual. I'm working on that one! And it wouldn't be so strange for that to bring up panic. The thing is, you REALLY don't need to scare yourself with all this terminology, and nobody else ought to be doing that either. And if you don't feel right about it, i would hope you will tell your new therapist how it makes you feel. You have that right. Therapy is a 'service', and it's there especially for you, and you are not there to please anyone. (this may be inappropriate to say, but i'm saying it just in case it applies)Throwing these terms at you obviously caused you to feel very concerned about what's wrong with you. You are the same person you were yesterday, before you heard those words! But you become scared easily right now, so you do with that...what you might do with other things....scary thoughts,feelings,etc... So, again...i think it's really important that you tell this therapist that using these expressions only makes you nervous. She has to know this, in order to know you. She may be the greatest therapist around and was just explaining a few things to you to help you understand. Or she may not be right for you. Time will tell. Meanwhile, i promise you that this is no cause for concern. Okay, off to make a late dinner. I'll be home all night. All the best, Linda

------------------
Linda

Thanks for the reply Linda. I feel very relieved and much better. I guess I'm too caught up with labels and prognosis statistics. I guess I just need to accept that it's JUST anxiety, no matter how uncomfortable my body symptoms are.

Thanks!
Angela