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Stress Center Community Forums "Attacking Anxiety & Depression" Program Session 10 - How to Address Obsessive, Scary Thoughts Worry that my mate will die & leave me helpless! How about you?|
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My father ( years ago) died suddenly of a heart attack when he was 57 years old. I drove him 97 miles an hour to the hospital at first thinking it to be the flue -- then he started the attack in the car! When I got to the ER the doctors did not take me seriously as I didn't get immediate help & he died minutes latter.
My husband just turned 55 and I suddenly,out of no where, sart fearing he will suddenly die of a heart attack. I need him because he is my soul mate and helps me with some of my deep fears. Loosing him would be worse for me due to health related fears of mine over myself. What I am getting at is: Do any of you have a fear that your mate or someone you have a relationship with will suddenly die on you? Or just up and leave -- which could produce a somewhat similar feeling? Thank you. Victoria ------------------ Victoria |
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Oh Victoria this is so me.
Not only do I worry about my partner dying but also my child. What I did was write this fear down on my journal and turn it into something funny, as suggested by Lucinda in her book "Panic to Power." Doing this was very difficult because there isn't anything funny about being alone without one's soul mate. In the end I did manage to scrbble something. Now I need to read this as much as possible everyday. I did this with my fear of money (never enough) and it did seem to work. Remind me to let you know how it goes... |
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Dear Cutufa,
Interesting that I too have a fear of spending money because it is limited. When I started this program I redirected my thinking whereby I was able to spend money easier without second guessing my decission to do so. I just looked at myself as being thrifty and therefore did not consider myself as having a fear or problem. However, with stress down the road and having completed the program a couple of months ago I started having the problem again. Now I have a big gathering of 25 to 30 people coming to my home. It's bring a dish. However, I still have a lot to buy for food and home. So, what I am doing is buy certain foods slowly each time I shop until the week of the party when I buy the perishables. I will not give in to my problem because my gathering is my problem solving for another fear. Since we are to give suggestions on this subject (death)I am thankful for for yours about our loved one dying. So, for a positive one this is mine: If I prepare healthy meals, and am a happier more positive (less coplaining problem solver) then I put less stress on my husband. This will lesson his chance of a heart attack. As for my children, I do what I can problem solving and not shoulding them (their young adults) yet by example am there for them. A happy child is less prone to do things self destructive. Well, after what I just wrote I can see that I got up on the right side of the bed today! Ha ha. Have a great day and thanks again for your reply. I will add that I have a positive hope for the future if a loved one would die (resurrection to life on earth). My problem is working not not feeling a loss now. But at least I have a future positive hope. If you want me to share it you (or anyone) can write to my private e-mail and I would be glad to.  Sincerely, Victoria ------------------ Victoria [This message has been edited by Victoria (edited 06-25-2001).] |
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Hi Victoria:
I too can relate to your story. I am constantly worrying about my patner and baby (i am pregnant).Not only do i worry about losing them but, I often ask myself, What type of a mother will i be having this disorder? I am lucky to share my life with a great man that really cares for me, but What if he gets tired of my anxiety and leaves me? As you can see our anxiety disorder drive's us to a very similar way of thinking. In order to overcome this scary feelings i share them with my partner. He is a very logical thinker so he tries to put me into a different perspective.For example, we recently got a new car with every single safety feature that there is. I still was feeling very anxious every time we got in the car. So he explained me the use of every safety feature and how they will protect me in the event of an accident. Now i know that we have taken every precaution posible and that an accident can happen to anyone. There is no point in anticipating one.As a matter of fact my idea of an accident is probably 10 times worse than the real thing. Try to find someone who is very logical and is willing to work with you. Like Cutufa said write your thoughts in a notebook, then if you can not change does thoughts for funny ones, use statistics for example if you are afraid of them dying in a car accident, then you can say to yourself, only 1 out of a thousand dies in an accident.In other words then chances are very slim. i hope that this helps because i know that this thoughts can be very debilitating. Good luck! |
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Dear Kathie,
Thank you for your kind and thoughtful reply. Like Cutufa, you have a very wise and practical suggestion. I don't know if you got to read my above reply to Cutufa on one way I handle this? However, the suggestion of writing it down is good. I congratulate you on your coming bundle of joy. The man in your life sounds like a very helpfully, understanding, loving and practical person. You sound as if you both are young and being that he is saftly consious means he must be healthwise also. The chances of his or the babies dying are very slim. It's just that you really love them and they are your world and will be so for a long time. There are a lot of things we can fortunatley have some control of. Sincerely, Victoria ------------------ Victoria [This message has been edited by Victoria (edited 06-25-2001).] |
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I have the same fears. However, they are much better since working through Attacking Anxiety. I have Borderline Personality Disorder and have a fear abandonment. Many people with BPD have secondary diagnoses of Aniexty, Depression or PTSD.
If you want to look into this check out www.laurapaxton.com and www.biologicalunhappiness.com and do a search on Google about BPD.. I also hang out at www.mhsanctuary.com in the BPD chat room. You need a dr. to diagnose it. However, if you feel you may have it see a p-doc for dx. Dawn Moreno
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Dear Dawn, Thanks you for sharing this information with me and others. My concern, I know for a fact is not the condition you mention. It is a concern because my mate understands and helps me with a medical problem I have and I have an outstanding marriage. However, it isn't something that I think about all the time to that extend. I think that under my personal circumstances in is an understandable thought with a genuine concern. I have a couple of things that I thinking about more than I ought to however. But I will look up those sites, thanks, they sound interesting. I sincerely wish you the best and thank you for kindly trying to help with this concern. I will agree, the thought of loosing a loved one we are close to is not a pleasant thought, is it? Sincerely, Victoria ------------------ Victoria |
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Funny, I posted but forgot to type my comment. Sheesh.
I understand Victoria. Not everyone that has anxiety is Borderline. However, many BPD's have anxiety. In my own case, I have Borderline Personality Disorder, Dependent Personality disorder, Generalized Anxiety disorder and Depression. No drugs or therapy has EVERY helped until Attacking Anxiety. After working through the program twice I am much better with the anxiety and depression issues. It's been a Godsend to me. I even now feel motivated to seek out self-help for my other issues of BPD. Thus, the resource I mentioned in my previous post. For some reason, I can never find therapists that are well versed in dealing with Anxiety or BPD. So many are misinformed about it. I wish Lucinda would make a BPD audio program. I know she is NOT Borderline but I bet she would do a superb job at understanding the plight we BPD's have. Anyway, I wish you luck and happiness in your life and throughout this program. It was the BEST money I've ever spent on getting well. I try to lower my expectations and live in the moment. Just this fourth it rained. Finally, me and hubby get a holiday off together and plan to go to the beach, have a picnic, etc... I started getting so upset but remembered how my expectations for the perfect day were unreasonable.. I readjusted and we went to see the movie AI and out to eat. then took a nap and went out for pizza and a ride late at night. It was fun. I still had a nice time. I do worry about him dying and me being alone. I wonder how I would get along. I do try to re-focus my thoughts though. I have a worry/ solution list too that helps. I write out the worry and the solutions. For example, it helps me to know what I would do and how I could handle it if I did find myself alone. Then I try to re-focus my thoughts. I still pop in Attacking Anxiety tapes from time to time as needed. They are just wonderful. Lucinda deserves to be well noted in the field of Anxiety for her work on this program. It's the best. Dawn Moreno
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Dear Dawn,
Thanks again for your reply. I just read those interesting sites you shared. I'm fortunate I do not have that condition. I share my empathy with you. I purchased the Midwest course because of real things happening in my life. I have studied for years the things that were taught in the program. Therefore, I knew/know much of it. However, I really enjoyed the way it was put together well and this served me with positive reminders. My anxiety is over real problems and not the every day ones. Unlike what you had me read I can cover up my sadness,anxiety and panic the majority of the time. I am just more open in front of my husband because I know he won't leave me or love me any less. I will still dress up make and all. I will laugh and ad lip jokes. I don't take meds and never really have. I guess I am fortunate. So, I can't really relate when a lot of the friends speak of it on the forum. I always was on a healthy diet so I rarely feed my anxiety by those anxiety causing foods. So, basicly it was my thinking and still is at times that I need to work on. And I believe my problem is enviromental. Dawn, I wish you the best with what you are going thru. It is a pleasure meeting you. ------------------ Victoria |
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Dear Victoria,
Yes, I have had the scary thoughts of my husband dying on me and leaving me and what will I do fear/scare. However I have had a couple incidents happen to balance this fear out I guess one might say. First was: I had moved 2000 kms away when I was younger and had such a fear that a parent would die, and the guilt I had about that I moved back to the same city. Well, as this turned out...7 years went by and my dad died (true I was in the same city) however I was still an hour away. It turned out in that episode that I wasn't "there" when he died anyways, he died in the wee hours of the a.m. of an anerism and went very fast. I had been able to spend the previous weekend with my parents so I was fortunate there. So none of my "controlling" could have prevented anything else from happening. Bottom Line: I wasn't there - my worst fear about not being "there" did happen but not the way I thought. I did get "there" but at the hospital when it was too late. 2nd story: My husband I married 3 years ago had prostate cancer when I married him. He is one of the lucky ones .... it is in remission. these 2 stories are very scary to me...but seeing thru life how these things went and turned out...We just can't control anything, we can't worry enough, protect enough. etc...it's not in our hands...we have to let these worries go. This is what I learned. |
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I am sorry for your bad experiences. But it is good that you understand how and the need to deal with it. I have done likewise. We learn to enjoy our loved ones now. For me, I have a scriptural hope of an earthly resurrection. Others, have their belliefs. Sincerely, ------------------ Victoria |
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Stress Center Community Forums "Attacking Anxiety & Depression" Program Session 10 - How to Address Obsessive, Scary Thoughts Worry that my mate will die & leave me helpless! How about you?
