Hi. I just now experienced something which upset me very, very much. I was in a pretty good state of mind, and concentrating this morning on self-talk that will help with quitting smoking. I want to quit because i hate what it's doing to me. The more i am filling myself with loving,encouraging self-talk, the closer i get to really wanting to stop injecting this poison into myself. I dread quitting, have been smoking since i am 13, and have been seeing myself welcoming this event, feeling great, having an easy time of it....all the positive self-talk from Helmstetter book. Anyway, later on i am standing at the mirror in my bathroom, combing hair, putting on makeup,etc.. and suddenly i notice that my right arm is numb. I hit it, slap it...to get circulation going. Then i think of my friend, Sonny, who had a stroke when he was 46 and had to get to a hospital immediately, have all the tests,etc. I then realized i was looking at something which is very possible.....not some scary thought which is not based on reality! This thought could easily be based on reality. I smoke, for most of my life, i am at an age when a female is more prone to strokes, heart attacks,etc.. and smoking is a definate risk at this time of my life and that's why i've been concentrating on quitting. So,my thought was "what if this really WAS a stroke! It COULD be, and it wouldn't be your usual fears which are based on 'nothing'". I immediately saw myself being rushed off in an ambulance (this could happen) being in a hospital, waiting for a doctor, having to have tests,etc.. It didn't feel like this was something which i should just let go of...i was looking at something quite realistic. What if this really happens, or is happening now!How would i handle this. I have had agoraphobia and panic attacks for half my life and am improving slowly now. I saw myself in that hospital, unable to use the steps i've been using in the lesson for panic attacks....none of this self-talk would be appropriate. I couldn't seriously tell myself: You're fine, you can feel this way and still carry on, it's just a thought, don't fight it, etc.. I stood there, in the bathroom, practicing....recognizing the fear, accepting it, breathing, letting it pass. Next step is to distract myself with Life, and carry on. Well, this just can't apply in this kind of situation!! I saw myself in the kind of hellish situations i used to be in, when i was crippled with terror years ago..and HAD to be in hospital and do other equally impossible things. I tried to find some self-talk that would make sense, based on 'reality'. What could i tell myself? And i burst into tears and cried for a long time, saying aloud "I don't WANT to be afraid of my own vulnerability! I don't WANT to be afraid of ANYTHING...EVER...ANYMORE!!! I have been sick with fear for so long and am so happy to be overcoming it, slowly but surely. Over and over, i said "I HATE fear, this is how i REALLY feel! I hate it, i hate it, i hate it, i hate feeling it, i hate what it does to me, i hate being afraid of being out of control". I found myself saying this over and over, from the deepest part of me. The kind of situation (stroke, or whatever) WOULD be something where i really WOULD be out of control. That's a fact of life. I want, so much, to NOT be afraid....of even this!! When i have had extreme fear which is more like terror, i have always kind of 'left' reality, gone into another place. Dissociated from myself. I could not see how i wouldn't do that, in the ultimate situation, where i am truly out of control, and truly vulnerable. I couldn't make "choices" as to what will happen! (like when i gave birth, at 2l yrs.old, i couldn't say "i'd much rather do this tomorrow! it was happening NOW) Even in a situation such as i am describing (stroke,hospital,etc.) i want so much to remain 'in my body', aware, accepting, strong and unafraid. Tall order, huh? I have been reading certain literature for a while, on and off, to help me to embrace and accept the fact of death, as i do life! In my mind, i can do this to some extent, whereas i couldn't before. I consider it important for me to prepare myself in a way, so that i am not shocked and terrified. I learn this way of thinking through Eastern thought and practice. And yet, when faced with the idea of it actually happening (earlier on today)...i am nothing but terror. I tried to think of loving self-talk to help me to 'stay present' and to accept....i couldn't. I realize this is a big one, and i truly hope it doesn't upset anyone. If you can offer anything that might help, i'd appreciate this so much. Thank you for taking the time to read this. God bless, Lindi

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Linda

Linda--

I don't know if this will help, but when I find myself getting very worried about a health problem and wondering if it's an "emergency," I give myself 5 minutes. I say, "Nothing critical is going to happen in the next five minutes, so I'm going to do deep breathing and think positive, calm thoughts for five minutes. If I feel worse, then I'll reconsider." I have never, ever felt worse after giving myself five minutes. If that seems like too much, just give yourself two minutes--even two minutes of deep breathing and positive thinking should relax you enough to be able to tell if what you are feeling is anxiety or physical. And, keep in mind that, even if it were a real emergency, getting anxious wouldn't help any anyway.

That's all I can offer you. I know that I tend to think "EMERGENCY!" whenever anything feels the tiniest bit off in my body. But, if I tell myself that I can wait it out a bit to find out what's really going on, I usually feel better.

Lori

Lindi, Hi, I am really sorry to hear about what you experienced today. I can see why you are so upset. Here's what I think. I'm a smoker also. preparing to quit next month. I am also very excited about quitting. I am also looking forward to it and preparing for it with the positive self talk. However, we have had this habit for a long time. We both know what will occur as our brain gets used to not having the nicotine it has been used to and depending on for very many years. No matter how much we look forward to the quit, we also realize it's going to be painful. It's going to be depressing and we are going to FEEL out of control. that fact is in our subconscious. We are thinking about this whether we realize it or not. That can produce a lot of anxiety. that can produce a lot of body symptoms. they will pass. but they will come back also. I can't tell you what the future holds when we do quit because I have never tried quitting before. all I can do is wait and see. The same goes for you. this week was really difficult for me. I had a couple of days of feeling really spacey and it almost made me cry. I felt so sad about that because I have come so far with this program and didn't expect or want any setbacks at all! It made me angry to experience a set back like that. I began to wonder if maybe I'd have to start the program all over again and do a better job focusing. I'm okay now. Some of this was PMS (didn't know that till yesterday). Some of this was that I'm getting ready to quit smoking. the day will come. It's almost here. I'm scared and excited at the same time. this week I really did my best to take care of myself. I'm much better. Actually today was wonderful. I had a fantasic time with my kids and really appreciated all that I have 100%. I had a couple of "waves" of dizziness but shook it off right away. Lindi, I don't think you are going to end up in the hospital from a stroke. It's a real concern and yes it could happen. but please try and remember, it could happen to anyone. People in the twenties who don't smoke die from strokes. Young, strong athletes die from heart attacks. We can't control when we're going to die and personally, I downright refuse to even think about that. I hate it so much, just like you. However, I'm not going to utilize any of my time preparing for it. Not now anyway. I'm using all of my strength and energy toward what's happening right now, today. Finally, If I do experience a body symptom like yours and it did not go away after some time and some relaxation I'd go to the doctor and have it checked out. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I hope you are doing better now or tomorrow. Let us know. I Really hope to hear how you are doing in over the next couple of days. I bet you'll feel better soon !!

Hi Lori and Noelle, thank you so much for taking the time to comment...i appreciate your suggestions very much! I never reached a full-blown panic this morning, i breathed right through my feelings. Really, i was more upset than panic-stricken. Upset that i felt i wouldn't be able to help myself in such a situation as i talked about. I think i didn't articulate very well what i meant when i talked about 'preparing' for the fact of death. I really didn't mean that i think about this every day of my life....i truly don't. What i meant is that i once was terrified of the idea that we are all 'mortal' (that was what instigated my very first panic attack, way back when)...i became acutely aware of my own vulnerability. I have been one of those people who didn't want to 'say' the word....death, read the word, hear of it,etc.. Like a big denial. We live in a culture where it's the big taboo, something to dread. So, this last half a year, for a very 'healthy' reason (i promise you!) i decided i needed to come to terms with this avoidance and fear...in a good way. My father almost died last year and i was beside myself. Most everyone i know has lost people dear to them....i myself have hardly any experience with this! I spoke with my dad as he was going through an experience that for him, was terrifying and hearing him so frightened upset me SO much. I wanted to know 'how' to be there for him in the way i believe is the best way. And yet, emotionally, i wasn't ready. So, for many realistic reasons, i had made a decision, no matter how scary it felt, to begin to learn how to accept this fact of life. A book that has helped me very much with this concept is called 'Still Here', by Ram Dass, who has been one of my greatest teachers for living...for about 15 years. And i finally grasped, recently, the idea that....When we are able to accept death, we are finally able to embrace Life! So, i hope you guys can see that my intention here is a healthy one. Truly not an obsession or morbid thinking or anything of the sort. So that today, when i felt i was nowhere near any absence of fear regarding this....i was very upset. Of course, this is a huge expectation of myself, i realize this. Perhaps only some very evolved people, who have grown FAR MORE in the spiritual realm than i have, are where i'd like to be! Can you relate to any of this? Still, i appreciate your feedback, and will use ALL of it. Smoking.....oh yes! Noelle, i wish you all the good fortune in the world with your attempt next month. When i feel ready to do the same, i'll use all the self-talk i know about (already am, as you are) plus the 12 step program, which i used many years ago for an eating disorder. It worked wonders!! Thank's again both of you and have a great weekend. love......Linda

Thank you for taking the time, ANDREW. What Lucinda's minister said, "If it 'can' kill you, it still can't hurt you"....THIS is what was upsetting me that morning - that i want so much to find myself unafraid of even death! I believe what her minister told her, i know that the body is a temporary vehicle for the mind, spirit, soul,etc.. i was feeling such despair because it was evident that i am nowhere near this 'state of being' where my own vulnerability is not a threat. I KNOW (or at least my sense tells me) that the 'body being dropped' (so to speak) is SAFE! As Ram Dass has said (having heard this from someone who knew!!)..."it's like taking off a tight shoe". I realized after i posted this topic, that it was not appropriate for this Forum. At the time i was feeling so bereft and i just did it. After a little while, that morning, I really didn't think i was having a stroke or that anything sinister was happening. I didn't even think of seeing my doctor....i have had numb feelings before. I was much more upset with finding i would be as terrified as i used to be. Again, i realize that what i am wanting here is a very tall order, and that people practice YEARS AND YEARS in order to arrive at the 'state' i'd love to find myeslf in....regarding the Ultimate 'letting go'. Thank you Andrew, for writing to me....you are special. God bless, Linda

Hi Lindi,

I used to clean houses when I was young and my arm went numb like you said. I think it was a pinched nerve in my neck. I went to the Chiroprator for a couple of years and haven't had it since.

Also I hold my anxiety in my neck and chest area.

It's funny how you've wanted to quit and this scared you today and brought all of the fears you've probably put into the back of your mind. This could be a blessing. I know smoking is a hard one to quit.

I quit smoking over a period of time---maybe a couple of months. I marked my cigs and only smoking them to a halfway point, and one less everyday, etc. That worked for me.

The other thing that is helpful is to start walking and getting outside more. It is hard to walk briskly and smoke.



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Always Hopeful, Betsy H.
Marietta, GA (East Cobb)

Hi Betsy and Andrew, Thank you both. Betsy, I actually do have a pinched nerve in my neck, which acts up here and there, and i also hold tension in my neck. It was severe several years back and nothing that really bothers me too much anymore. I hadn't thought of going the route you did re: smoking. I'd imagined i would go 'cold turkey', like i did about 10 years ago...that lasted 3 months. When i feel 'ready', i just might try it the way you did...sounds alot more palpable! Good for you!! Thank you so much for your feedback. Especially tonite....not a great night. God bless, Lindi / ANDREW: Hi again, You are right...i think i AM too hard on myself!! My expectation is probably bizarre...just because i believe in or understand a 'concept', doesn't mean i should have 'arrived' there by now! Thank you for taking the time. God bless, Lindi FOR BOTH OF YOU: half the time i sign Lindi, and half...Linda. My REAL name is Linda...but maybe too confusing to have two Linda's on the same forum, hence: Lindi Bye bye