Hello everyone,
I hate to admit it sometimes, but I REALLY need help with some thoughts.

Along with the program, I have been doing EMDR with a therapist to let go of some emotion from past experiences. But, now I am noticing almost extreme desperation - and I don't know why. Let me tell you what's going on.
I have a stressful job and I know it. But I like it - it's interesting and frustrating at the same time. Well, this week my thoughts have taken over me and they scare the &^$# out of me. I will give you an example.
Last night, I went home and went to paying my bills which everyone has to do. I have fallen down on the job lately about it so I had to get back in the game. Out of nowhere this thought pops in my mind that goes something like "Well, I could just kill myself."
WHAT!!!???
THAT IS NOT ME!! WHY ON EARTH DID THAT POP IN MY MIND.
Today it is ruminating as Lucinda says. I just don't understand it. I love my life so much. I cannot tell you how truly blessed I am. But why did I feel like or have that thought? It scares me.
It did it again this morning when I couldn't get something to go right.
I really put my expectations in check on week 4 and I have let go of a lot.
Can someone please tell me why on earth I had those thoughts. Is this just an off-shoot of anxiety? Is this something to be concerned about? I know I would never ever do that, EVER. I love life and it is worth living. I just want to live it again and love it again - without these thoughts!
Please, I know there is someone out there that has these same thoughts and don't know why.
HELP????

I am totally like that. Along with my panic mood swings. I want to feel safe, I feel better when its just me and my husband and my 2 dogs home and I am comfortable. I don't like going to work, or college. I hate it, I hate going places by myself. I hate being alone. I feel like I am always alone even sometimes when I am with my husband or my 'safe' person. Because thats what he is. I am sooooo needy of him to be around that I hate when he is gone or I hate it when he is home and not with me all the time. I'm so tired of living like this. I want to change! I am determined to change! I'm tired of being a pleaser and ignoring myself. But always in the back of my mind feeling like I am selfish because I am worrying about me constantly. Whats going to happen next. Am I going to do a bad haircut, is my manager going to get pissed at me again? What are Chris and I going to fight about next? Am I going to have enough money this month? STOP THIS-(you do it too) and Live NOW.

I hate myself almost all of the time because I am fat, and big and I cut off all my hair because of a stupid marital fight. I made stupid decision based on mood swings. These repeatative thoughts are soooo frustrating. They won't leave me alone, and I tell those scary, dark thoughts to go away! go away! but they keep returning. It annoys me most of all. BAD UGLY OVERWELMING, DEATH COMPELLING, BLOODY THOUGHTS. Not just I want to die thoughts. oh no. nightmares are back, too.

I suffer from depression, bad depression. For the past 2 or more years, I have been fighting sucidal thoughts and attempts. My relationship with Jesus has grown stronger but I still find myself falling back in to the habit of wanting to cut myself, or letting the darkness over take my mind, because I just dont care, or I am so overwelmed at life that I don't want to be here anymore.

I would say to help you would be:

1.) Pray and I mean get the journal out and write.
2.) Surrender your mind and pain to Jesus. Ask him to take it away forever.
3.) Believe
4.) Want to be positive. Your thoughts control you. Its time for you to control those thoughts.
5.) Listen to positive stuff, read positive inspiration quotes, Romans is good.
6.) DO NOT! I REPEAT DO NOT! FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL RIGHT NOW.
7.) Change is ok.
8.) Its ok to be scared of these thoughts, but they don't control your actions! YOU DO!
9.) Refocus on the moment, refocus your attention on what you are doing at the second. The devil's evil is around and the easiest place starts with you mind. Tell him to go away! You have to the power inside you. You are so strong!
10.) If you feel overwelmed- Stop and count to 10. Take a breathier, its ok to inhance your calm. NO ONE IS going to sit there in the back of your head and laugh because you had to relax. NO ONE IS judging you, but you. You are in Control. This is Your life!
11.) Commit again and again to the program. If you work the system the system works! Believe it and believe in you, you can change! Right now you are helping me, too. I am going through this just like you are. I am strong and I am passionate about changing! I know I can! YOU CAN TOO! I believe in you!


I have really committed to making this program work. I'm done being miserable and unhappy all the time, its time for some change. New eating habits, new sleeping habits, new me. I CAN AND YOU CAN TOO.

H.I.P,
As you know, when we have chronic anxiety problems, the thoughts in the mind can run so crazy at times. Its like the mind is running twice as fast as we are. Because the fight ar flight is activated, our bodies physiology is going a 1000rpm,s but were still sitting there doing our bills or driving our cars,etc; Fears of killing one's self are quite common among anxiety sufferers, along with fears of hurting others, driving cars off the road into other cars, giving up and just going crazy, not being able to tkae of family because of anxiety, sexual stuff, and it goes on and on and on,...until it all fills up in the head.NOW, I GATHER THAT YOU DONT LIKE THE FEELING OF THESE THOUGHTS AND THAT IS THE IMPORTANT PART. if it sounds good then you should seek help soon. But, sometimes anxiety makesyou wonder if it sounded good to you and that leads to obsessing, "did i really like the idea of killing myself?" or, "wow, this guy in the news killed himself, could I really be capable of that?" Anxiety seems to spur these crazy thoughts over and over. If you look on this sight or search on it, youll probably find it as a pretty common FEAR and OBSESSION, among some sufferers. Have you had any OCD problems? this is a great sight for help as you probably know, it takes time to work with these thoughts.
A.

Hi and thanks for the feedback. I don't have OCD, just the thoughts. None of those thoughts sound good to me. I have begun the program and I was actually doing really really well with it. This week is when it all started with those particular thoughts.
No, those thoughts don't sound good to me. Not at all. I am slowly learning to let them drift in and out w/o reaction. I must admit, that the ones from yesterday and today really bother me.
I will go searching on the site about the thoughts. I need to let them go. I don't want them to come back. They don't sound good and I want my life back!

You are not going crazy.
I honestly don't think I am so much of a panicky person as I am a worrier, but I do understand a thing or two about wanting to leave. I want to run away all the time, from relationships from my marriage, from my parents, my work, my responsiblities, yes even from myself.
There are times when I feel like I am going crazy-- when every thing I "have" to do bogs me down completely. Its like I dont even have time to breathe, but somehow, someway I make it through the day, and honestly I don't know how somedays.
In my life, the past 5 years, have been ummm really bad. From fights, moving, marriage, flunking college courses, new financial ventures, building a career, trying to make marriage work, and just recently there was a shooting by my my house and then the car decides to break. I am just bombarded with stuff all the time.
Plus I am a hairstylist, so you gotta make those clients happy no matter what, and I care alot, too. Sometimes I get so busy doing other things that that I put off myself and by doing this I put off my emotional stability and health. I try so hard to make everyone else happy that I am constantly miserable myself.
I hate it and then I feel guilty when I do want to spend time with me or making me feel better because I could be doing a thousand other things. It's like I am living a double edged sword and I hate it. So I eat ALOT, I sleep ALOT, and I usually HATE my life ALOT. Sometimes I want to cut on myself and die. I have bloody horrible, ugly thoughts that repeat and won't go away, and now my nightmares are returning because thats my body's way of sitting my warning signs that I am toooooooo stressed out!! And well guess what? yup, my life was continuing on to be horrible.
UNTIL...
I have finally decided to change.
I am sick of this. I am sick of being dependent on my husband. I hate being alone, because I feel like even when people are around me-- I'm still alone.
When it's a bad day at work, I don't see it has helping people feel better about themselves, no-I just get used and then they pay me-- don't tip and walk out the door with no thank you or anything. It's rough.
Plus on top of all that-- I am thinned skinned and I wear my heart on my sleeve. I hope some of this is hitting home with you. I understand, its tough. Life is hard. Especially when you don't feel like you have any control over your thoughts and your emotions.
I cry alot, I yell alot, I have panic attacks sometimes, and racing pulse. I hurt the only person and family members that are sticking with me through all of the crap. And I feel very very guilty, but guess what? I choose to say these things, I choose do act this way, and I chose usually to think these thoughts.
NOW random thoughts I have to. OH and they get on my nerves big time. I just have to tell myself that its the devil and he's trying to control my life and I tell those thoughts to go away!!
Then my relationship with Jesus gets stronger and I start to depend on Jesus rather than myself or my husband. Because I know he loves me. I know he blesses me and whats the best for me because I am one of his children.
I pray unceasingly almost all the time. He is on my mind, so other things, small insignificant things, won't ruin my day. I am getting better and you can too. I know you can.